The Producers Page #9

BIALYSTOCK:

(to Bloom, opening up

a box on his desk)

Hey, Blum, have a cigar.

BLOOM:

No thanks.

BIALYSTOCK TAKES AN ENORMOUS BLACK CIGAR.

BLOOM:

Max, maybe...

BIALYSTOCK REACHES UNDER HIS DESK. PRESSES BUZZER. WE HEAR

BUZZING SOUND IN ANTE-ROOM.

BLOOM:

What's that?

BIALYSTOCK:

Nothing. Nothing. Go on.

ULLA ENTERS. GOES TO DESK, PICKS UP CIGARETTE LIGHTER,

LIGHTS BIALYSTOCK'S CIGAR, KISSES HIM.

51.

ULLA:

(pinching Bialystock's

cheek)

Min Bialystock.

ULLA LEAVES.

BIALYSTOCK:

Nice girl.

BLOOM:

Max, as I was saying, maybe we

should go easy on the spending. I

mean these offices and everything.

BIALYSTOCK:

Why? Take it when you can get it!

Flaunt it, baby, flaunt it!

BLOOM:

But if something should... God

forbid... go wrong, at least we

could give them some of their money

back. It would look better in court.

BIALYSTOCK:

Stop talking like that, you white

mouse! Nothing's going to go wrong.

As a matter of fact, today I have

taken steps to insure total disaster.

At two o'clock we have an

appointment with none other than

Roger De Bris.

BLOOM:

(searching)

Roger De Bris. Roger De Bris. Oh

yes, the director. Is he good... I

mean bad?

BIALYSTOCK:

Roger De Bris is the worst director

that ever lived.

BLOOM:

Do you think he'll take the job?

BIALYSTOCK:

Only if we ask him.

BIALYSTOCK CONSULTS HIS WATCH.

52.

BIALYSTOCK:

Come on. We'd better hurry. We're

late.

BIALYSTOCK BUZZES. ULLA ENTERS.

BIALYSTOCK:

Call chauffeur. Get car.

ULLA:

(smiling)

Good. Good. We go Motel.

BIALYSTOCK:

No. We go.

(he indicates Bloom

and himself)

ULLA:

You, Blum go Motel.

BIALYSTOCK:

No. No Motel. Get car. Get car.

ULLA:

(as she leaves)

Get car. Get car.

BIALYSTOCK:

Very nice girl.

DISSOLVE TO STREET IN FRONT OF CHIC TOWNHOUSE UPPER SIXTIES.

DAY. A WHITE ROLLS ROYCE LIMO PULLS UP. A LIVERIED

CHAUFFEUR WITH SMALL LATIN-TYPE MUSTACHE GETS OUT AND OPENS

DOOR FOR PASSENGERS. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM GET OUT.

BIALYSTOCK:

(to chauffeur)

Thank you, Rudolfo.

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM CLIMB THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR.

BIALYSTOCK PUSHES THE DOORBELL. WE HEAR CHIMES.

BIALYSTOCK:

(whispering)

Now don't let anything he does or

says upset you. He's a little

peculiar.

BLOOM:

What do you mean?

53.

THE DOOR OPENS. FRAMED IN THE DOORWAY IS A THIN, STRANGE

LOOKING MAN IN A BLACK TURTLENECK SWEATER. (CARMEN GIYA)

HE CONTEMPLATES THEM COLDLY.

CARMEN:

Yesssssss?

BIALYSTOCK:

I am Max Bialystock. This is my

associate, Mr. Bloom. We have an

appointment with Mr. De Bris.

CARMEN:

Ah, yes, you're expected. Please

come in.

THEY ENTER THE VESTIBULE. CARMEN CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.

CARMEN:

How do you do. I'm Carmen Giya, Mr.

De Bris' private secretary. Would

you be so kind as to remove your

shoes.

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEWILDERED.

CARMEN:

White, white, white is the color of

our carpets.

BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM REMOVE THEIR SHOES.

CARMEN:

(to Bloom indicating

a rack of slippers)

Now, let's see, you're wearing grey.

I would suggest the crimson.

They're a little vivid, but your

suit is so quiet.

(to Bialystock,

studying his mish

mash attire)

Why don't you... Oh, take anything.

Please follow me.

CARMEN LEADS THE WAY. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM SCUFF AFTER HIM.

WE FOLLOW THEM DOWN A NARROW CORRIDOR LINED WITH EXAMPLES OF

CLASSIC GREEK SCULPTURE -- EACH ONE DEPICTING NUDE MALES IN

VARIOUS POSES.

INT:
ELEVATOR.

CUT TO ROGER DE BRIS' BOUDOIR SITTING ROOM. IT IS ELEGANTLY

FEMININE.

54.

CHAISE LOUNGE, ANTIQUE MIRRORS, LOUIS XVI ARMOIRE AND

DRESSING TABLE. FROM BEHIND AN ORNATE DRESSING SCREEN, WE

HEAR MUFFLED SOUNDS OF DISCONTENT.

DE BRIS:

(from behind screen)

I'll never get into this damned

thing.

CUT TO BOUDOIR ENTRANCE. CARMEN, BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM ENTER.

CARMEN:

(to De Bris)

We're not alone.

DE BRIS' HEAD POPS OVER THE SCREEN. HE IS A ONCE HANDSOME,

NOW DISSIPATED MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES.

DE BRIS:

Ah, Messers Bialystock and Bloom, I

presume. Ha, ha, ha, forgive the

pun.

BLOOM:

(to Bialystock)

What pun?

BIALYSTOCK:

(a curt whisper)

Shut up. He thinks he's witty.

(to De Bris)

It's good to see you again, Roger.

Did you get a chance to read

"Springtime For Hitler?"

DE BRIS EMERGES FROM BEHIND THE SCREEN. HE IS WEARING A

"LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN" STYLE DRESS.

DE BRIS:

Remarkable. Remarkable. A stunning

piece of work.

BLOOM:

(shocked, whispers)

Max! He's wearing a dress.

(his mouth remains open)

BIALYSTOCK:

Shhhhhh.

55.

DE BRIS:

(continuing)

I think it's a very important play.

I, for one, never realized that the

Third Reich meant Germany. I mean

it's drenched with historical

goodies like that.

DE BRIS IS SUDDENLY AWARE OF BLOOM'S EXPRESSION. (BLOOM'S

MOUTH IS STILL AGAPE.)

DE BRIS:

Oh, dear, you're staring at my

dress. I should explain. I'm

going to the Choreographer's Ball

tonight. There's a prize for the

best costume.

CARMEN:

(smugly)

We always win.

DE BRIS:

(looking in the mirror)

I'm not so sure about tonight. I'm

supposed to be the Grand Duchess --

I think I look more like Tugboat

Annie. What do you think?

HE PARADES BACK AND FORTH, EXECUTING SHARP TURNS LIKE A

MODEL AT A FASHION SHOW.

DE BRIS:

No be cruel. Be brutal. Be brutal.

Because heaven knows they will.

Well, what do you think, Mr. Bloom?

BLOOM:

(very embarrassed)

Well, it's... uh... it's nice and

long... I mean, it's... uh... uh...

where do you keep your wallet?

BIALYSTOCK:

(jumping in)

It's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

You couldn't have picked a better

color. It brings out your eyes.

Let's face it, Roger, that dress is

you.

56.

DE BRIS:

(his eyes flashing flirtatiously)

Do you really think it brings out

my eyes?

CARMEN:

(irritated)

We can't tell a thing without your

wig. As far as I'm concerned,

you're only half-dressed.

DE BRIS:

Ummmm. Well, if you're so worried

about the wig, get it, o' wicked

witch of the west.

CARMEN TURNS IN A HUFF AND LEAVES TO GET THE WIG. DE BRIS

REACHES INTO CUT CRYSTAL CIGARETTE BOX, TAKES CIGARETTE,

TAPS IT, AND HOLDS IT FOR A LIGHT.

BIALYSTOCK:

(in a whisper to Bloom)

Quick, light his cigarette. He

likes you.

BLOOM NERVOUSLY REACHES FOR A BOOK OF MATCHES, RIPS ONE OUT

AND STRIKES IT. IT DOESN'T LIGHT. HE TRIES ANOTHER AND

ANOTHER. ONE FINALLY CATCHES FIRE. HE TRIES TO HOLD IT

STEADY, BUT HE IS TOO NERVOUS. DE BRIS FIRMLY PLACES HIS

HAND OVER BLOOM'S TO STEADY THE FLAME.

DE BRIS:

Didn't I meet you on a summer cruise?

HE LIGHTS THE CIGARETTE BUT CONTINUES TO HOLD BLOOM'S HAND.

BLOOM:

I've... I've... never been on a

cruise.

DE BRIS:

Oh, quel dommage.

CARMEN ENTERS CARRYING WIG. HE SEES DE BRIS HOLDING BLOOM'S

HAND.

CARMEN:

(snidely)

Oh, I see we're getting acquainted.

DE BRIS DROPS BLOOM'S HAND AND TURNS ON CARMEN.

57.

DE BRIS:

How would you like to go back to

teasing hair, big mouth?

BIALYSTOCK:

Roger, do you mind if we talk a

little business?

DE BRIS:

Please, please, that's what we're

here for.

(to Carmen, who is

adjusting the wig)

Be careful, that hurt.

BIALYSTOCK:

I think this would be a marvelous

opportunity for you, Roger. Up to

now, you've always been associated

with musicals, and...

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