The Producers Page #8

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL A VIOLINIST IN GYPSY ATTIRE

CLOSING IN ON THE TABLE. THE LITTLE OLD LADY IS DELIGHTED

BY THE VIOLINIST AND UNFORTUNATELY FOR BIALYSTOCK STOPS THE

PASSAGE OF THE CHECK AS HER ATTENTION IS DIVERTED.

BIALYSTOCK CAUTIOUSLY REACHES OUT TO SNATCH THE CHECK BUT

EACH TIME THAT HE DOES, A TURN IN THE MUSIC MAKES THE LITTLE

OLD LADY CLUTCH HER HEART. BIALYSTOCK IS VERY UNHAPPY. HE

QUIETLY BRINGS HIS FOOT FROM BENEATH THE TABLE AND PLACES IT

DIRECTLY OVER THE FOOT OF THE VIOLINIST.

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF BIALYSTOCK'S FOOT POISED OVER VIOLINIST'S

FOOT. BIALYSTOCK PROCEEDS TO CRUSH VIOLINIST'S FOOT.

CUT TO VIOLINIST'S FACE. SOMEHOW IT CONVEYS TO US ALL THE

MISERY AND PAIN OF THE HUMAN CONDITION. WITH EYES CROSSED

BY GRIEF, HE LIMPS TO ANOTHER TABLE. BIALYSTOCK QUICKLY

REACHES OUT AND SNATCHES THE CHECK.

SWISH PAN CUT TO HANSOM CAB THREADING ITS WAY THROUGH

CENTRAL PARK. NIGHT.

CUT TO INTERIOR OF CAB. BIALYSTOCK IS COZILY ENSCONCED WITH

LITTLE OLD LADY #4.

BIALYSTOCK:

(taking check from

old lady)

Thank you, my dear.

LITTLE OLD LADY #4

Oh, Bialy, Bialy, tell me again.

Tell me again.

BIALYSTOCK:

Edna, I swear on my life, you don't

look a day over sixty-five.

SWISH PAN CUT TO CITY TRAFFIC. DAY. A TAXI FILLS THE

SCREEN. AS IT MOVES OUT OF FRAME, WE DISCOVER BIALYSTOCK

AND LITTLE OLD LADY #5 ASTRIDE A RED AND WHITE HONDA MOTOR

SCOOTER. AS THEY ROAR PAST THE CAMERA, BIALYSTOCK SHOUTS.

46.

BIALYSTOCK:

Clear the road! Clear the road!

LITTLE OLD LADY #5

(clutching Bialystock fiercely)

Go, Bialy, baby, go!

SWISH PAN CUT TO POSH PARK AVENUE APARTMENT. NIGHT. A

PRIVATE CONCERN IS IN PROGRESS. A THIN, CONSUMPTIVE-LOOKING

YOUNG MAN FINGERS HIS WAY THROUGH A CHOPIN NOCTURNE.

CAMERA SLOWLY PANS THE ROOM. SEATED IN A SEMI-CIRCLE AROUND

THE PIANO ON VARIOUS PIECES OF DELICATE EMPIRE FURNITURE IS

AN AUSTERE GROUP OF ELDERLY DIGNIFIED PATRONS OF THE ARTS.

SUDDENLY AN OLD LADY'S SHRIEK RENDS THE AIR. EVERYONE'S

HEAD TURNS.

LITTLE OLD LADY #6

(slightly flustered)

Go on with the concert! Go on with

the concert! It's nothing. Nothing.

BIALYSTOCK STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD.

LITTLE OLD LADY #6

(to Bialystock, smiling)

You dirty man.

SWISH PAN CUT TO NEW YORK STREET. OLD FASHIONED LIMOUSINE

PULLS INTO VIEW. THE WINDOW SHADES ARE DRAWN. AS IT

PASSES, WE DETECT STRANGE SOUNDS EMANATING FROM THE INTERIOR.

LITTLE OLD LADY #7

(off camera)

Tee hee, ha ha ha, ho ho, ooo, ooo,

teehee hee.

BIALYSTOCK:

(off camera, simultaneously)

Heh, heh, heh. Hah, hah, hah.

THE CAR DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.

SWISH PAN CUT TO SCULPTOR'S ATELIER. DAY. AN ANCIENT

LITTLE OLD LADY WEARING A SCULPTOR'S SMOCK IS FEEBLY CHIPPING

AWAY WITH CHISEL AND HAMMER AT A HUGE SQUARE BLOCK OF MARBLE.

SHE MAKES NOT A SCRATCH ON IT.

CAMERA DOLLIES BACK TO REVEAL BIALYSTOCK, HER SUBJECT,

STANDING NUDE, EXCEPT FOR LOIN CLOTH, HOLDING UP AN ENORMOUS

GLOBE. HE IS OBVIOUSLY ATLAS.

47.

LITTLE OLD LADY #8

(stepping back to

admire her work)

Well, Bialy, how's it coming?

BIALYSTOCK:

It's beautiful, Alma, beautiful.

(to the heavens)

Oi.

SWISH PAN CUT TO LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. BIALYSTOCK, DRESSED

AS A TURKISH SLAVE, IS ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. THE ROOM HAS

BEEN DONE IN A BYZANTINE DECOR. THE STRAINS OF SCHEHERAZADE

SOFTLY FILL THE ROOM. SUDDENLY A WHIP COMES FLASHING INTO

THE FRAME AND WHACKS AGAINST THE TORSO OF THE SLEEPING

BIALYSTOCK.

SHOT WIDENS TO REVEAL 'HOLD ME, TOUCH ME' WIELDING THE WHIP.

SHE IS DRESSED IN AN 'ARABIAN NIGHTS' COSTUME.

HOLD ME, TOUCH ME

Dance! Dance, slave!

BIALYSTOCK IS UP IN A FLASH AND INTO A QUICK TURKISH TIME

STEP SO AS TO AVOID THE DEADLY LASH.

BIALYSTOCK:

How's this?

HOLD ME, TOUCH ME

Faster, faster, you dog. Excite

me, delight me. Hold me, touch me.

CUT TO CLOSE-UP OF BIALYSTOCK'S FACE AS HE DANCES.

BIALYSTOCK:

(murmuring to himself)

Money is honey, money is honey.

DISSOLVE TO BIALYSTOCK'S OFFICE. NIGHT. BIALYSTOCK IS

SEATED AT THE DESK. ON ONE SIDE OF HIM IS A LARGE STACK OF

SIGNED INVESTOR CONTRACTS. ON THE OTHER AN EQUALLY LARGE

PILE OF UNSIGNED ONES. BIALYSTOCK SIGNS FURIOUSLY, AS BLOOM

FEEDS THE CONTRACTS TO HIM.

BLOOM:

(handing Bialystock contract)

Mrs. Sarah Catheart. She owns 50%

of the profits.

BIALYSTOCK DUTIFULLY SIGNS. BLOOM TAKES ANOTHER AND PLACES

IT BEFORE BIALYSTOCK.

48.

BLOOM:

Mrs. Eleanor Biddlecombe. She also

owns 50% of the profits.

BIALYSTOCK SIGNS. BLOOM PUTS THE NEXT ONE DOWN.

BLOOM:

Mrs. Virginia Resnick. She also

owns 50% of the profits.

BIALYSTOCK SIGNS. BLOOM TAKES ANOTHER.

BLOOM:

Mrs. Alma Wentworth. She owns 100%

of the profits.

BIALYSTOCK SIGNS. THEN LOOKS UP AT BLOOM.

BIALYSTOCK:

Leo, what if this play is a hit?

BLOOM:

Then the Department of Justice owns

100% of Bialystock and Bloom.

BIALYSTOCK:

(Bloom's thought

makes him unhappy)

OI. I'm depressed. Leo, do me a

favor. Open the safe. I want to

see the money.

LEO, HUMORING HIM, SPINS THE COMBINATION DIAL ON SAFE AND

OPENS IT.

CUT TO INSIDE OF SAFE. IT IS JAMMED FULL OF NEATLY STACKED

PILES OF MONEY.

CUT TO BIALYSTOCK ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES IN FRONT OF SAFE.

BIALYSTOCK:

(to himself. Inhales deeply)

That's better.

BIALYSTOCK TAKES OUT A STACK OF NEATLY FOLDED BILLS. HE

SMELLS IT, KISSES IT AND PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.

BLOOM:

What are you doing?

BIALYSTOCK:

I'm going to buy a toy. I worked

very, very hard and I think I

deserve a toy.

49.

BLOOM:

(quizzically)

A toy?

DISSOLVE TO CLOSE-UP, FACE OF A GORGEOUS BLONDE, ULLA.

DOLLY BACK TO REVEAL THE REST OF HER. SHE IS INCREDIBLY

WELL-ENDOWED.

CUT TO BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM. THEIR EYES GLUED TO HER FORM.

BLOOM:

That's a toy?

BIALYSTOCK:

Yes. She's an adult, educational

toy made in Sweden for children

over fifty.

BLOOM STARES AT HIM.

BIALYSTOCK:

Stop looking at me like that.

She's not an indulgence. She

happens to be our new receptionist.

She goes with our new surroundings.

QUICKLY PAN POSH NEW WALL-PAPER, FURNISHINGS, ETC.

BIALYSTOCK:

Ulla, I'd like you to meet my

partner and associate, Mr. Leo Bloom.

ULLA:

Got dag pa dig.

BLOOM:

How do you do.

(to Bialystock)

Have you gone mad? A receptionist

that can't speak English. What

will people say?

BIALYSTOCK:

They'll say, "Oooh, wah, wah, wah,

ooh, ooh."

BLOOM:

What is she gonna do here?

BIALYSTOCK:

I'll show you. Ulla, go to work.

ULLA:

Ya, sur.

50.

ULLA GOES TO PHONOGRAPH AND PLACES NEEDLE ON RECORD. THE

DRIVING SOUND OF A TWIST FILLS THE ROOM. ULLA SENSUOUSLY

TWISTS, VIBRATES, FRUGS, WATUSIS AND ROCKS HER BODY IN TIME

WITH MUSIC.

BIALYSTOCK:

See, it helps the day go by. Ulla,

okay. Okay.

ULLA STOPS, GOES TO PHONOGRAPH AND TAKES NEEDLE OFF.

BIALYSTOCK:

Go to desk. Answer telephone.

HE PICKS UP PHONE TO SHOW HER.

BIALYSTOCK:

Bialystock and Bloom. Bialystock

and Bloom.

ULLA:

(repeating to herself

as she leaves)

Bialystock and Blum. Bialystock

and Blum. Bialystock and Blum.

Got dag pa dig. Bialystock and Blum.

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