The Ridiculous 6 Page #8

---

Well, killer, your luck just ran out.

Your hand touch that knife, boy,

it'll be the last thing you ever touch.

Oh, I ain't using these knives.

No.

Not for my mama.

I saved a special one just for you.

Now you die, Injun-lover.

He dies, you die.

Fourteen of us, six of you.

Doesn't seem quite fair, does it?

Make that twelve of us.

Twelve of us!

I ain't sign up for this sh*t.

You seeing this?

- It's not working.

- What are you doing?

Don't look like a tumbleweed at all, Herm.

Herm, come back!

Come back, Herm.

All right, all right.

Now, everybody just calm down.

A man's entitled...

to kill his mother's killer.

Plus... that's one less guy

you've got to split the money with!

Good thinking, Frank.

Let's ride!

Yeah!

Yeah, get on out of here!

Good job, son.

I'm really proud of you.

And getting your friends to come

all the way out here with you, brilliant.

Well, sir...

they ain't just my friends, they, uh...

They're my brothers.

Five?

You had fun, didn't you, sir?

Well, I'm gonna introduce myself.

I think they'd like that.

Frank Stockburn, your dad.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Father.

- Son.

This is my burro.

Proud to know you, Burro.

He's proud.

You must be, uh,

Saint Louis, right?

Chico.

Boy, you got your mom's muscles.

You a prizefighter?

No, actually, I'm a...

piano player.

Oh, well, I'll be!

You know, I've been known

to tickle the ivories myself.

Now and then, you know.

We should play together sometime.

I'd like that, Dad.

I'd like that a lot.

Yeah, son, we'll do that.

You must be Delilah's boy.

Boy, she made some fine,

fine whiskey.

Ooh, yeah.

She must've been really hitting it hard

when she was pregnant with you.

Atta boy, atta boy.

Da-da.

And, uh... you are?

I'm Lil Pete. I'm your son!

I love you so much, Dad!

- I have three nipples.

- Yeah, well...

It's always good to have a spare.

- Gall dang, you have one, too?

- Yeah.

Do you like to play with the extra one?

Oh, you betcha.

Oh, Pa, I have a question for you.

Yeah.

Where do babies come from?

Well, son, the mom just poops 'em out.

I knewed it!

I knewed it, Dad!

Well, look at this handsome devil.

Sir, I'm Danny.

It's awful nice to finally meet ya.

Could you help me with a problem?

I did a real stupid thing

that inadvertently led to the death

of a United States President,

and I'm feeling pretty lousy about it.

Well, son...

look in my eyes.

Sh*t happens.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Thanks. Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

So, where to now, huh?

Well, sir, Smoking Fox and me

are getting married in a few days,

and Screaming Eagle's

walking her down the aisle,

and I was hoping...

you could be there, next to me.

Oh, you mean your best man?

Yes, sir.

Oh, Tommy...

You know, that's...

that's quite an honor.

- It would be my honor, sir.

- Yeah. Well, uh...

But unfortunately, I...

I got some business up north

that I gotta attend to.

I gotta collect some gambling debts and...

You know,

just to pay the doctors and such.

Say, Dad. You don't ever gotta worry

about money ever again.

We had to conjure up 50 grand twice!

So we ended up with 100!

- A hundred?

- Yes, sir.

There's another 50 grand?

Yes, sir.

Right here,

in the burro's saddlebag.

So that business can wait up north,

can't it... best man?

Well, now that you mention it,

maybe I should change my plans.

- Bueno. Bueno.

- Yeah.

Hey! What are they doing back?

What is this?

I guess it's time you kids

learned the truth

about your dear old dad, huh?

I'm just too famous.

I can't walk into any town

west of the Rockies

without someone calling the law.

So, I came up with a way

we could make 50 grand

without lifting a finger.

And you rascals brought us double!

Are these my kids or what?

Son of a b*tch!

If our two gangs joined forces,

there's not a lawman in the West

that would stand up against us.

What makes you think we'd turn

to a life of crime?

'Cause it's in your blood.

Answer me something.

Were you ever great at anything

in your life besides stealing?

No. No.

You apples didn't fall far from this tree.

Don't deny who you are.

If you knew who we really were,

you'd be very scared right now.

Don't overplay your hand, son.

I'm still holding an ace.

I found her. I...

I told you I'd find her.

This little beauty stumbled into our camp

a few days ago.

She actually tried to rescue me.

I'm guessing this means you don't want

me to be your best man no more, huh?

Well, I'm gonna make this

real simple for you.

Hand over the other 50 grand...

in that stupid ass' saddlebag,

or I put a bullet

in her pretty Apache head.

That ain't gonna happen.

Oh, it ain't?

No, sir.

Why's that?

Mmm... kind of a secret.

Well, you can tell your old man,

can't ya?

You know that bag...

- your boy's holding?

- Uh-huh.

It was meant for Cicero.

So there's something special in there.

- Plan B.

- Plan B?

Plan B.

Give me that bag.

Oh, sh*t!

Where is she?

Smoking Fox.

Nighty-night, son.

Danny, are you all right?

You done good, Daniel.

You saved me.

It's my duty, Mr. President.

Mrs. Lincoln.

Come on! Come on!

Come here.

Get in.

I got one!

Clem, you almost shot me!

Come on,

get the horses!

My ass! My ass!

Hey!

Is this here still valid,

or is it too burnt up?

Let me take a look here.

Uh, that looks good to me.

I mean, this looks good.

What in the hell?

You didn't scoop yours out,

did you?

What was the question again?

What?

Did any of you really do it?

Well, then whose eyes are in that jar?

Uh...

Well, Babyface found some rocks,

and, uh, painted them.

Surprise?

Hey, Tom,

you wanna play a game

to make up for all the father-son time

we missed?

Peek-a-boo.

Hey, come over here!

No, come over there!

You could have had everything, son.

But you had to do the right thing.

Let me leave you

with a bit of fatherly advice.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight.

One day,

there will be too many, my love.

But not today.

That was some mystical sh*t.

Tommy.

You knew Cicero killed my mother.

No!

No, I didn't know that.

No more lies!

Yeah, I knew. I knew.

Your mother insisted on telling.

She was going to rat the whole gang out,

and I tried to convince her...

Tommy, look, I'm your father,

for God's sake.

You don't kill your father, Tommy.

His name is White Knife.

I ain't gonna kill you.

'Cause my true father taught me otherwise.

You can't leave me like this!

Tommy!

You can't leave me here alone!

Dear Mama, so much has changed

since my last letter.

I scarcely know where to begin.

First off, it turns out our daddy

is a bad, bad man,

and he got thrown in jail.

But it's okay, 'cause Screaming Eagle,

the Indian chief who raised Tommy,

said he'd be all our dads, too.

I really like it here in this village.

Our new brothers and sisters

love to have fun

and have been so nice to all of us.

These white guys cannot dance.

Danny don't drink

whiskey no more.

- No.

- Yee-haw!

And Ramon and Herm

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote