The Ridiculous 6 Page #7

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? Say Tom Sawyer?

? Tom Sawyer?

? Say the blacks and the whites

are getting along?

? The blacks and the whites

are getting along?

? I can't read?

? I can't read?

Please calm yourself!

Let's get inside before this Wyatt Earp

ruins our plan.

But there's no way for you to sneak

past them guys, Tommy.

There's no rocks, no trees,

no nothing to hide behind.

No need to hide, brother,

when you are friends with the wind.

I'm telling you, down there,

they don't call it "Mexico. "

It's "Mehico. " The "X" is an "H."

I'm presuming Texas is "Tehas. "

Now, what's this?

Just a tumbleweed,

you jumpy bastard.

That is some mystical sh*t.

I wish to move the dresser

in my bedroom closer to the window,

but I haven't the strength

to do it myself.

I'd love to help, ma'am, but I really

should keep playing the piano.

No one will even know you're gone.

- Gentlemen, cough up your buy-ins.

- All right!

Make it rain like Twain.

Take that and that.

Yeah!

Sure is some good hooch there, Zeke.

Where'd you find that?

Oh, I got that from a case

about, uh, 20 years ago.

In fact, uh, you know that shack

up by Jawbone Falls?

- Yeah.

- There was a lady living there.

It was one of Frank Stockburn's

many paramours.

Now this was one of the ugliest ladies

I've ever seen in my life.

Sounds like a real bucket of turds.

But she was a very talented

distiller of alcohol.

So, while she...

While she's loading up my coach,

her young boy comes out,

this big shambling oaf,

mute, filthy as a hog,

and he starts doing

this horrible little tap dance

whilst singing "The Star-Spangled Banner. "

Well, not singing it, really,

but grunting it, like a caveman!

? Oh, say can you see?

You know,

he wants me to throw him some pennies,

so I fished a coin out of my pocket

and I guess I don't know my own strength.

I tossed it, hit him in the mouth,

and knocked his tooth out!

What an a**hole!

Mama.

In any event, I still have

one bottle left from that case.

I'll go fetch it and we can drink a toast

to that awful woman and her hideous son.

Oh, she was ugly!

You wouldn't even sleep with her.

Say, Don Don Diego...

where's your buy-in?

I thought it was 15 grand a man.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Uh...

Let's see. Ah!

It's you!

Uh-huh.

What?

What "what"?

What are you so surprised about?

Just so surprised at all the...

the fun that we're having here,

with the card and the money

and the booze and...

You know, I make that same face when

I put my cologne on in the morning,

especially when I'm home alone.

You know what I think?

I think Don Don Diego isn't really

a coffee bean rancher at all.

And his true purpose here is to rob us.

Don't make me kill you, Mr. Earp.

Hands up high.

Oh, snap!

You got the drop on Wyatt Earp?

It's mi hermano.

He's one bad hombre.

No disrespect, fellas.

We're gonna have to tie you up,

and we'll have to borrow your horses.

Ooh, what'd I miss?

Sweet Hog Rock,

here we come!

Giddy up, Burro.

Come on, Ramon!

Right behind you, Tommy!

Hurry up, Burro!

Move your ass!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, I think we found it.

That is one sweet hog right there.

That is a sweet, majestic hog.

Yeah, that's a sweet one for sure.

It's all right.

I'm confused.

I don't see a hog or a pig anywhere.

All I see is the big old rock

that looks like a weenie pee-pee.

- Oh, you guys call a pee-pee a "hog. "

- Yeah.

- That's weird. I like it, though.

- Yeah. Okay.

Problem is, I don't see

no singing windmill anywhere.

Wait...

I hear it.

Yeah, it's coming from over there.

Ah! Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy!

Huh?

Whoa...

We're saved! We're saved!

Oh, it's just these a**holes.

What the hell happened to you guys?

We was headed west to Frisco

after we absconded with your loot.

But we ran into these real bad characters.

It was Cicero something

and his crazy-ass gang.

Cicero was here?

Then he left?

He left us in the dirt for fun.

Ow! Ow, ow!

Who does that?

Sicko!

If this is where the singing windmill is,

then why would they just up and leave?

Maybe that Stickie McSchnickens guy

was just pulling our leg.

They went north...

about two hours ago.

Oh, yeah! Tommy can track 'em.

Let's saddle up.

We're burning daylight.

Wait!

You can't just leave us here,

you gotta get us out!

You don't need to... Hey, hey, hey!

We still got the money!

Yeah, I hid it in my pants.

We'll give it back to ya!

We don't need no more.

Let's go!

Hey! Can you at least

help me pick these ants

out of my beard before you head out?

Please?

Tell you what,

we'll dig you up on one condition.

You say it, we'll do it!

That you give up your lives of crime

and take this second chance to start

doing good by people.

- I'd rather die!

- Hell, no! I ain't doing that!

No way! Dumb Indian half!

That was a joke!

That was a joke!

I'll be a good boy!

I'll be a good boy, Daddy!

Now what?

East or west?

Whoa.

Late in the day.

Lot of traffic been going through here.

It's going to take a minute.

Well, we must be getting mighty close.

They'd better be treating Dad well,

or they're gonna have to answer to us.

There he is.

There's the man himself.

- Look at that handsome hombre.

- Yeah.

That's where we get our good looks.

Let me see ol' Pop.

Does he still

look like that, Tommy?

Tommy?

Yeah, he does.

Let's set up camp tonight.

Right out there.

But we can't waste any time.

Chico... I can't figure it out right now.

I gotta...

Just give me till sunrise.

Let me think.

Dear brothers,

by the time you read this,

I will have caught up with Dad.

And I'm sure you're sore at me

for sneaking out on you.

But this fellow, Cicero, who took Pa,

also took my mother's life,

and I mean to make him pay for that.

Things might get messy.

I can live

with all the bad stuff we've done,

the hold-ups, the burglaries,

the accidental decapitation,

but I couldn't live with myself

if something happened to one of you.

So stay put and I'll be back with Dad

as soon as I can.

And if I don't come back,

know that I love you boys

with all my heart.

Your brother, Tommy.

Whoa.

Down at Silver Canyon...

Meeting Betty Dunson...

was the luckiest thing

that ever happened to me.

Mom was his biggest score.

Hyah.

Here we are.

We'd better not have come

all this way for nothing.

- I want the money, Frank.

- I know what you want.

There's your money.

Count it.

Tommy!

Oh, look who showed up.

I didn't know if somebody

dug up what you buried, Pa,

so I wanted to make sure

you were covered either way.

Thank you, son.

Well, ain't that a good boy.

That's my boy.

Well, it's been a pleasure, Frank.

But, uh...

we'll be on our way.

Not so fast.

You and me got some unfinished business.

No, our business is done.

Pa... you remember how I told you Ma died?

Yeah.

Well, the son of a b*tch who shot her...

had a tattoo on his hand...

just like Cicero here.

What, you mean...

my little horseshoe?

That's always brought me luck.

Especially when I was shooting somebody.

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