The Ridiculous 6 Page #6

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I'm just messing with y'all.

I'm fine!

I call this one Fish Out of Water.

? He flies through the air

with the greatest of ease?

? That daring young man

on the flying trapeze?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Herm, put the hookers back.

Come on!

Yeah, you can't catch me!

He ain't dying, Billy!

He's making a fool of you!

Whoo-hoo!

All right, that's it!

We'll shoot the son of a b*tch!

On my command!

Ready...

Aim...

Fire!

Wind took him, Tommy.

Came damn close.

I'm okay!

Come on, Billy!

Get him!

We did it!

I told ya

I got a strong neck!

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? Won't be so sad?

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? We're gonna save Dad?

We still gotta get to Sweet Hog Rock

before they do.

Gotta find that singing windmill,

so it ain't over yet.

We got the money!

- The Ridiculous 6 got all the money!

- Yeah!

Yeah!

Tommy! Tommy! What's Dad like?

Is he funny?

Yeah, is he a good listener?

Is he strong?

All great questions.

I'll tell you this.

I think you guys are gonna love him.

But I'm sure he's gonna love you guys.

So sorry to interrupt

such a tender moment.

Looks like we stumbled

on bath day, boys!

I heard you picked up some brothers

along the way, tough guy.

But I don't see no resemblance.

I do, they all look like my butthole.

So guess what time it is, boys?

Payback time!

Any last words,

No Knife?

I told ya I could hold my breath good.

Yeah, Danny boy!

What are you doing, man?

We gotta go!

- Oh, jackpot, boys!

- No!

- That's ours!

- Hyah!

Rusty!

Rusty, no, come back!

No.

How are we gonna save him?

We're startin' all over.

Is there any more good places

we can rob?

You know like a burro-grooming place

or a shoe store for burros?

Half the lawmen in the West

are already looking for us.

So what?

Look, we can't stop.

They're going to kill him!

Ain't no difference.

He's dying anyways.

Dad's sick.

I'm sorry I didn't tell y'all.

There's a good chance

he's dead already.

But there's a chance he's not.

You got to meet him, Tommy.

The rest of us...

Even if it was just for five minutes,

it'd be worth it.

If I don't talk to Dad, I'll die with this

dirty secret burnin' a hole in my guts.

Danito, whatever it is you did,

you have to forgive yourself, man.

You wouldn't say that if you know

what I done.

- Everybody's got secrets, Danny.

- Yeah.

You guys are the first people

I told I was black.

You know how good that made me feel?

We're your brothers.

You can tell us anything.

I, uh...

I used to work

for the President of the United States.

I was his personal bodyguard.

One of the best.

Till one night...

Mr. President, say, I'm gonna go

hit the little boys' room.

Are you shitting me?

Come on!

You'll be fine, superstar.

Can I get ya something on the way back?

Agua? Brewski?

No!

Mrs. Lincoln, how about one of them

big pretzels or a little pillow?

I hear this play's kind of a long one.

All right, fair enough.

I'll be back in two.

Where's the president's box?

- John Wilkes Booth, the actor?

- Yeah.

No way, man! Big fan!

- You wanna say hi to the president?

- Yeah.

He'd get a real kick out of that.

Last door on the left.

- Thank you.

- Really cool.

Wow! Love that guy!

-

Abe!

How can you go on living your life

knowing you harmed so many people?

That's what I wanna ask Dad.

Hey, you ain't the one

who pulled that trigger.

But if Dad's gotta be

the one who tells you that...

then let's go get that money.

I just wish I knew how.

Herm's got an idea.

He just can't express it.

I just wish somebody here

could speak Herm.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

That's when Ezekiel Grant has his annual

high-stakes poker game.

There'll be oodles of money there.

Oodles, I say.

Ooh.

- I don't know. That sounds risky.

- What's risky?

He's suggesting we...

knock off Ezekiel Grant's poker game.

It's in Yuma tomorrow night.

Yuma's less than a day's walk from here.

That poker game, there's practically

gonna be an army protectin' it.

If Tommy says we can beat 'em,

I'll believe him.

We all will.

We can beat 'em...

for Dad.

For Dad!

I hope you like the gift I'm giving you

for Valentine's Day, Ezekiel.

I'll give you a hint.

One-hour massage, no charge.

Oh, Susannah.

You know what gift I'd really love?

If you would just shut up!

Nothing ruins a good poker game more...

than a lady jabbering on and on...

How romantic.

- Hello!

- Hello!

Well, General Custer!

Yes, at your service.

Mr. Mark Twain.

- Word up!

- Gentlemen, do come in.

Yo, Zeke, big boy, I was just going off

to the General here about my new book.

- It's a sequel to Tom Sawyer.

- Ooh.

It's about Sawyer's home slice,

Huckleberry Finn.

White boy goes raftin' with a brother.

People gonna lose their sh*t!

And, General Custer, I see you've let

your dashing blond hair grow out.

Well, yes, the barber down at

the regiment is just awful,

so I had two choices,

either let it grow or get scalped.

And I ain't gonna let that happen.

Now, will our old friend

from Tombstone be joining us?

Late as usual.

But we have a new player,

a wealthy Mexican coffee bean rancher.

Am I tardy-o?

Oh. Sneaky little Mexican.

May I present Don Don Diego.

We run a gentleman's game here, Mr. Diego.

Your, uh, two bodyguards

are completely unnecessary.

Bodyguards?

You're mistaken, General.

This is, um...

Chimichanga... my loyal manservant.

God bless you.

And, um...

Blanco Beardio.

He'll be providing the entertainment

for this afternoon's festivities.

Well, drop me a beat.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go now.

Gentlemen, the buy-in is $15,000.

Fifteen large?

Are you sure General Custard

can swing that?

It's Custer, not "Custard. "

There is no "D." I'm not a dessert.

Boom, I just dropped some satire

on your ass, General!

You got me!

Hey! Now, when Ramon gives

the signal that the time is right,

that's when we move in.

You remember the signal, right?

- Gentlemen.

- You know where to go, Marshal.

Oh, hell, no!

That's Wyatt Earp!

The fastest gun in the West?

All right, all right, all right!

- Oh, Wyatt Earp, as I live and breathe!

- Wyatt Earp.

You're here!

Wyatt Earp.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

But apparently, there's some new gang

out there robbing everybody blind.

Oh, they call themselves

the Ridiculous 6.

I swear, a man can't ride

five miles in this territory

without running into outlaws,

rattlesnakes, Injuns and...

Hey! Why don't you let me

worry about the Injuns?

Will do, General.

What's shakin', Twain?

Hey, I'm good on anything.

Just like gravy, baby.

- Good to see you, my man.

- You too, man.

Hey! I finally read Prince and the Pauper.

Oh, is that right?

Didn't get it.

For reals?

Satire! Boom! I got ya!

- I'm just pulling your leg.

- Oh, man.

I can't read.

Good one with the... satire.

Funny.

Who's this idiot?

Um... I am Don...

Don Don Diego.

Well, Don, I'm Wyatt...

Wyatt Wyatt Earp.

Got him.

Now let's play

some cards!

? Say, say Tom Sawyer?

? Tom Sawyer?

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