The Ridiculous 6 Page #5

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Wow...

must've been nice to have a dad.

Oh, yeah, someone to wrestle with

and teach you how

to cut up your panny-cakes.

Someone to give you advice

when you screwed up real, real bad.

Well, we do got a dad.

And we're gonna see him real soon.

Yeah... I can't wait.

Yeah.

? When I meet Dad

I must insist?

? On making up

for all the time we missed?

? We'll talk and drink?

? And he'll bounce me on his knee?

? Then we'll search hand in hand

for the taco tree?

? When I meet Dad

I'm gonna ask him why?

? Did he pork my mother

then say goodbye?

? We're gonna be just like

birds of a feather?

? Playing piano with our d*cks together?

? When I meet Dad?

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? He'll take away my sad?

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? When I see Pa?

? I'm gonna scream, "Gall dang!"?

? You're the handsomest man

and you're really, really good?

? I love you, Pa

And I'm glad you're my pa?

? Why do I have three nipples??

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? When we meet Dad?

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? Why does he have three nipples??

Hit it, Herm!

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? It's fun to have brothers?

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? All from different mothers?

? Well, I had a dad

And now I have two?

? But one thing I never had

was a mother like you?

? She lost her life 'cause of me

and I miss her every day?

? Why, oh, why did that evil man?

? Take my mama away??

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? I think I'm gonna cry?

? Yippie-yo-yo-yea?

? Quick, Herm, do the headless guy?

What the...

Okay, boys.

I'm gonna check this out.

The ball is in your hand,

twist the leg, then you let it go!

Now, let me see.

Ready, men?

No, no, no!

You're not listening to me, Hung Shin!

You have to be very precise.

Precise...

I say!

You there!

I have a proposition.

How would you men like to participate

in the birth of something extraordinary?

Well, we ain't got time for that,

but you can have your brown thing back.

What's so damnably important

that you need to miss

your rendezvous with history?

We gotta save our daddy,

Frank Stockburn.

Frank Stockburn, the outlaw?

- You know our dad?

- Without a doubt.

One of the best poker players

I've ever played against.

I played him in Ezekiel Grant's

annual Valentine's Day game down in Yuma.

Thousands of dollars on the table,

but Stockburn doesn't bat an eyelash.

He happen to mention anything

about what his biggest score was?

Over in Utah?

A guy named Smiley Harris?

I'll make you a deal.

Help me out a bit

and I'll tell you all I know.

Deal. Tommy Dunson.

Abner Doubleday.

Let's play ball.

Welcome, my friends, to the first ever

playing of a new sport.

A sport of my own devising.

On this field, two ten-person teams

will engage in a battle of...

Yes, Qi?

Only 18 people here.

Two nine-person teams will engage in

a battle of strength, speed, and strategy.

One team will go out onto

the field to play defense

while the other team

will take turns hitting this ball...

with a stickie.

What are you gonna call this game?

What else?

Stickie McSchnickens.

Now your goal, ball thrower,

is to get the ball past me two times

without my hitting it.

Fire when ready.

I didn't know you were going

to toss it quite so hard, ball thrower.

All right.

Okay, that's two past ya.

So you're done, right?

No, no, I said three times.

No, you said two.

I said three!

Three strikes and I'm out.

I know what I said, shortstop.

That's your new name.

Short Stop, that's right.

Now and forever.

Forever and ever!

Short Stop.

Short Stop, Short Stop.

Short Stop.

Yes, all right.

Strike three!

You're out!

No, no, the ball was... too low.

In order for it to count as a strike,

it has to pass through the...

strike zone.

- Strike zone?

- That's right.

And if you don't get the ball past me,

between my knees and my titties,

it's not a strike.

It's a non-strike.

And if you throw me four non-strikes,

I get an express ticket to first base

without my even hitting it.

Oh.

All right, are we ready?

That also gets me to first base...

as well.

Where you going?

Nobody hit it.

I stole the base.

You weren't looking, so I stole it.

You said you could only advance

after you hit the ball!

Not when you're stealing.

That's bullshit.

Okay, Short Stop.

He's moving!

Safe!

Gall dang, I don't know.

- That was a tie.

- Yes, and tie goes to the runner!

Why's that?

Because those are the rules

of Stickie McSchnickens, that's why.

All right, it's all mine,

I've got it!

No! No, you can't run.

You cannot run.

Infield fly rule... in full effect.

You're out.

- Here we go, Herm.

- Okay, Herm!

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, I'm not getting that.

Yeah, bueno!

You can just run all the way home.

A home runner.

I need a cold drink.

Let's take a five-minute stretch

and then start the second half.

Mr. Doubleday, we're done.

But we've only played nine innings.

Nine innings is enough.

Tell us about Dad's biggest score.

Fine.

Your father and his gang knocked off

an entire cavalry regiment, 120 men,

five trunks filled with Yankee money.

Where'd that happen?

Up at Sweet Hog Rock...

100 miles due north.

You'll know it when you see it.

Well, fellas,

looks like we're going to Sweet Hog Rock

to find ourselves a singing windmill.

But we still need another 10,000 bucks.

I reckon we'll make a quick stop, then.

Before you go...

do you wanna line up and shake hands

and say "good game" to each other?

No.

Them boys were nice fellers.

Paid in cash.

Kept the profanity to a minimum.

And the Mexican brother knocked

this hard-ass' head off with a shovel?

Dang thing flew nearly 40 feet!

And still a-smilin'.

Oh! Man!

And hasn't stopped yet.

Oh, hell, no!

My man gluing on heads and sh*t!

Wish he'd glue the head back on my pecker.

What happened to your pecker?

I was part of another gang

before I joined up with y'all.

Texas Stubbies.

Okay,

never mind all that. Okay?

Now, Doc, you know which way

them there Ridiculous 6 rode off to?

We're traveling

with a friend of theirs who, uh...

will be real excited to see them.

Well, they headed up north

to the Turquoise Trail.

I can show you on the map over here.

Looking forward to seeing

your man beg for his life?

'Cause that's what's gonna happen,

Smoking Fox.

Chicken pox!

We're gaining on his

Injun-loving ass every day.

He messed with the Left-Eye Gang!

He's gonna be like,

"Wait, how did you find me, and where...

How did you get my girl?"

And then old Dumb Knife's gonna realize

that he's in way over his head.

See, when George Washington

invented America...

Excuse me, Sheriff.

Is there a church in this town?

This is Rattler's Gulch, you halfwit.

The meanest, crookedest,

most hellacious town in the West.

We don't need no preacher telling us

what we can and cannot do.

So it's all right

if I do this to your wife?

I can't wait to see all you nice people

when I'm dangling!

You sick bastard.

Get this over with.

You're in for a real treat today.

This is gonna be so much fun.

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