The Ridiculous 6 Page #4

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still does a good business.

Open day and night since they built it.

Ain't even a lock on the front door.

It never closes.

They got a big ol' golden nugget

hanging above the fireplace.

Folks come from all over

just to take a look.

They say it's worth about $20,000, easy.

All right.

I'm surprised no one's ever tried

to stolen that nugget.

Oh, folks have tried.

If you go in there, you see their thumbs

hanging above the bar.

Smiley Harris, the owner,

bit them clean off.

So nobody messes with Smiley.

That sort of tickled.

What we got going over here, friend?

Just open your robe, please.

Ooh...

I have never seen that big of a rash...

or infection

or whatever this green bubble is.

Hmm.

All right.

Yeah.

Now, son, I would simply recommend

that you stop doing

whatever it is you've been doing,

with whoever...

or whatever you've been doing it with.

Yep, now they call him Smiley,

'cause even when committing

the most unspeakable atrocities,

a cheerful grin never leaves his face.

All right, just lift your tail

for me, please.

Now, he's why that nugget

has never been stolen.

And never will be stolen.

This'll prevent infection.

It tastes good, too.

This Smiley fella, sounds more like

a hooligan than a barkeep.

You're not far off.

Rumor has it that back in the old days

he used to run

with the Frank Stockburn Gang.

Lip balm?

I reckon I'm good.

? For breakfast

My baby bakes my biscuits?

? At lunchtime

She puts honey in my tea?

Come on, champ!

? For supper

She butters up my corn cob?

? And for dessert

She gives that pudding to me?

? My baby knows my eggs are over easy?

? She lets me cut her coffee

with my cream?

? I've got a hankering

for some cherry pie?

? My baby always licks the ladle clean?

That Smiley fellow,

he don't joke around.

Oh... I joke around...

but never when it comes to my business.

Welcome to the Gold Nugget, gentlemen.

Mr. Harris,

it's quite a nice spread you got here.

So what brings you gentlemen to town?

Actually, we wanted to ask you

about something, Mr. Harris.

Excuse me.

I am conversing with these gentlemen, sir.

I shall be with you in a moment.

I need to talk to you about

Frank Stockburn.

I haven't heard that name in many a year.

You know him.

Mr. Stockburn and I

were business partners.

I got a photograph.

You see, that there's him...

and that's you.

You rode in his gang.

To be precise...

it was our gang.

He went on to a criminal career

of some renown,

while I achieved great success

in the legitimate business world.

Please help me.

Sir, you are becoming a nuisance.

I just need to tell him what I've done.

I think he's had enough, boss.

Yes.

My apologies, gentlemen.

Not my favorite subject.

A round on the house.

And, Chico, if you ever

grab my arm like that again,

I'll put six bullets in your head.

That's quite a beating.

Hope you and your drink are okay.

Why do you want to meet

this Frank Stockburn so badly, huh?

Frank Stockburn's my father.

If Frank Stockburn is your father,

raise your hand.

Gall dang!

Chico's right.

Getting late, starting to thin out.

Can I tell you guys something?

Because I don't wanna have

no secrets between us.

Of course.

- Yeah, we're brothers.

- Yeah.

Now, I know Dad is a white man,

but my mother...

was actually black.

So that, technically,

makes me half-black.

Is that right?

Well, I didn't wanna hide that from you

in case you guys slipped up

and made some racial slurs

- not knowing I wasn't 100% white.

- Hmm.

I mean, I knew she must've

been really muscular,

but I had no idea she was black.

Yeah, I mean, I guess,

now that you mention it,

I see it a little bit.

My mother's Swedish.

I don't think so.

I reckon she's Mexican.

Lying b*tch!

So do you new brothers

have any special skills

that could help us out here tonight?

Like what?

Like, you know,

Tommy's good with knives.

Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple.

I got a burro.

Herm is good at strangling.

- Huh?

- I can hold my breath for six minutes.

Well, I can play the piano with my dick.

Well, we're unstoppable then.

Anyways, any of you handsome brothers

ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?

- I'm ready.

- I'm hungry.

- I'm drunk.

- And I'm Lil Pete.

Let's get that nugget then.

Oh...

You've got some pair of huevos

coming into my place, son.

I sure am sorry

about what happened, Mr. Harris.

In fact, I'd like to buy you a drink...

of the good stuff,

if that's okay?

Barkeep, you got any scotch,

real scotch, from scotch-land?

We keep the imported stuff in the back.

I'll go and fetch it for you.

That's wonderful.

Now, I didn't hear that,

did you?

I did.

I don't know,

maybe I'm turned round.

I thought that, like,

tonight was gonna be Fajita Friday

or line dancing or something.

It just seems quiet, but y'all be good.

Stay warm.

- Hey, he's got the thumbs!

- They came with the pants!

Right on the rocks,

right on the rocks.

Oh, you're gaining on me!

You're gaining on me!

You don't even understand

what we're gonna do to...

Teach them not to mess

with the Stockburn brothers!

Smiley...

I'm watching you!

Who's that?

Ladies.

What's behind door number three?

Okay, ladies, take your clothes off

and start punching me in the face.

Sorry, carry on.

Hallelujah!

Smiley,

why don't you visit your grandma...

In hell!

Smiley.

You cannot

escape me, Smiley!

Give me my thumbs back.

It's too big, Lil Pete!

What's too big?

Uh... plan B's too big?

What the hell is plan B?

Let me show you.

Plan B!

Yeah, works better if you have knives.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Come on.

You can take 'em!

Come on!

I got the nugget! I got the nugget!

What do we do?

- He's shooting like a madman!

- Come on!

Big bullets! Big bullets!

Come on! Come on!

Next man who moves will die!

Who are you people?

We are the Stockburn brothers.

Frank's kids?

Well... this is interesting.

You know, the last time

I saw your father was in Utah.

Just rang up our biggest score.

But when we was dividing it up,

we started having trouble

with the arithmetic.

And somehow I ended up

abandoned beside a windmill,

knife stuck in my guts,

left to die like a dog.

Frank had taken it all.

But now, I get to take something.

The lives of his five ridiculous sons.

Don't forget about nmero seis!

Holy moly!

No! Hell, no!

He's giving himself

six bullets to the head!

And he's still smiling!

I was just trying to knock him out.

Well, you succeeded.

I don't think he's waking up

from that one.

You done a number on him, Ramon.

You did!

You did a number there.

- Yeah, you did!

- Hey! Hey!

Plan B was officially insane!

Here you are, Danny.

It's an old Apache remedy.

Clears your head after too much firewater.

You know everything, Tommy.

Where'd you learn all this stuff?

My father taught me.

Dad? I thought you just met him last week.

Not our father. Screaming Eagle.

He raised me since I was a kid.

He's the kindest...

wisest man I've ever known.

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