The Ringer Page #3

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is not gonna win the next Special Olympics.

Can you believe this guy?

He can't come up with my 40 Gs

and now wants to bet 100 Gs.

- I'll put up my house.

- You have a home?

- Yeah. Under the freeway.

- Let me get this straight.

You want to bet against the great Jimmy?

You know something? You're sick.

You need help. But I tell you what.

Before you get help, I'll take your house.

Come on, athletes, only eight days

to go till the Games. Let's go.

I wanna see you beat those entry scores.

Two more laps. Let's go, guys.

Like a champion.

Come on, now. Move it out.

My name is Thomas. What's your name?

Jeffy.

Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to Karen.

She's a real good swimmer.

And she can jump high too.

And did I tell you I got a watch?

My aunt sent it to me.

Not my Aunt Helen, my Aunt Ruth.

And when I talk to Karen,

should I wear my shirt up like this?

Or down?

Or up?

Or possibly tucked in?

I don't know, man. Wear it like

you're wearing it. You look great.

What's that?

It's Jimmy.

Jimmy!

- Can I have an autograph, please?

- Get it off eBay.

Who is eBay?

How much until you guys are really happy?

Sorry.

Ignore. He has issues.

- My name is Glen.

- Yeah.

- Hey, guess how many fingers I...

- Eight.

There you go. Next.

Are these days always so brutal?

Good catching up with you.

Hi, Sally. Looking very hot today.

Is that a new hairnet?

Mylanta. You are my woman.

She's nice. I once met a girl speed dating.

We almost went out for a whole minute.

This is my Doberman, Candy.

He usually doesn't bite me,

only sometimes also he does.

Glen, could you pass the ketchup, please?

Glen, can you pass the ketchup?

Yes, I could.

You asked if I could pass the ketchup.

You didn't ask if I would.

Didn't ask if I would.

Guess what, guess what.

I work at Burger King.

You mentioned that.

If you would pass the ketchup,

I would really appreciate it.

You talk different.

- What do you mean?

- You do talk different.

Jeffy talks the same.

You talk different than you did before.

Why do you talk different than before?

- Jeffy talks the same.

- No, you talk different than you did.

Yes, you are.

And one time he talked one way

- and now you talk the other way.

- Exactly.

- Is there a problem, guys?

- Jeffy talked different than he did before.

Jeffy just wanted some ketchup

and Jeffy wanted an apple and...

- Can I have a hug?

- Sure.

- Sounds the same to me.

- Could have fooled me.

Watch out for this wisenheimer, Jeffy.

He can be trouble.

Remember last year when we were

walking just over there and you barfed?

That's cos I had spicy clams.

And then you didn't wake me up on time,

so I didn't have lunch, I had breakfast.

You know what? I'm gonna go say hi.

I'll see you later.

Jeffy, want some company?

- Hi.

- Hi. How's it going?

- Guess how many fingers I have?

- Ten?

No. I got eight. And two thumbs.

- Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

- Nothing. Why?

Well, I thought

maybe you and I could do something.

Me and you?

Yeah. I thought maybe we could have lunch.

Jeffy could maybe fit you in.

- Great. So I'll see you at one?

- Yeah.

Cool. See you.

- Hey, Jeffy. How are you?

- Good.

I want you to meet my fianc.

How are you doing? I'm David Patrick.

- What's your name?

- Jeffy.

It's Jeffy. Yeah, Jeffy.

I like Jeffy. Jeffy's a good name.

What's your last name?

- You must have a last name.

- Jeffy, you know your last name.

No. Jeffy mentally challenged, remember?

I know it. Your uncle wrote it down

on your forms. It's Dahmor. Jeffy Dahmor.

With an O.

Well, that's great.

Listen, we have some reservations.

Let's hit the road. OK, Jeffy?

I hope you don't mind. I invited Yolie along.

I know how hard it is to meet new people.

Don't worry. Just be yourself.

Hey, Jeffy, did you know

that Yolie is from Seattle?

I hear it rains in Seattle.

Sometimes.

I hear they got coffee there too.

Yes, they have all the major beverages.

You know, I heard that.

You know, I heard a greatjoke today.

This woman took her grandson to the beach

and while she's snoozing,

this huge wave comes and sweeps the boy

out to sea, so he's out there...

Honey! Honey.

That's not really appropriate. You know what

it's like when you're trying to tell ajoke.

We'll be through with lunch

by the time she gets to the punch line.

Hey, I have one that's really funny,

and it's appropriate for everyone.

What time is it

when you have to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

- It's a bit of a thinker.

- And really, really old.

- Hey, can I take your order?

- Why don't you guys go first?

I'll have a salad and some lime Jell-O.

All righty. And for you?

- I'll have the ribs.

- Ribs?

Hold on there, cowboy.

That could get kind of messy.

Do you have anything else a little cleaner?

- We have some really good chicken fingers.

- No, he can handle the ribs. Have the ribs.

Ribs. I want the ribs.

Ribs.

So, I was working

in this Baskin-Robbins one summer.

Jeffy found a $20 bill in the john.

And I was happy. I was really happy.

Cos this is the first time

that Jeffy ever caught a break.

Here, fishies.

But then I came to find out

I had a hole in my pocket.

It was Jeffy's $20 bill.

Yeah. We got that.

Excuse me. Gotta go to the restroom.

I'll go with you. You know what they say

about us gals - we always travel in pairs.

- Quite a girl, isn't she, Jeffy?

- Lynn's fantastic.

I was actually talking about Yolie,

but thanks, Jeffy.

So how is everything? Looks like

you did a number on those ribs.

- They're delicious.

- How do you all know each other?

He's in Special Olympics.

Go on, tell her, Jeffy.

I'm in Special Olympics.

That's so sweet of you to get involved.

See, I admire the hell out of these guys.

All the challenges they have to overcome.

I've been helping Jeffy here train for years.

I'd love to do something like that.

How would I get involved?

- Brandi? Is that your name?

- Yeah.

I'd love to do that.

Give me your number and I'll hook you up.

I'm sorry it didn't work out

between the two of you.

I know how hard it can be

to make new friends.

That's why I was so glad when I met David.

What? You don't like David?

David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.

- What do you mean?

- David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.

But how is he when Lynn's not around?

David poke Jeffy in the chest

and call him stupid.

What?

Why would he poke you?

Jeffy's fault.

Jeffy drank Coke wrong and spill on David.

But David very nice to Jeffy

when Lynn around.

Hello, Thomas.

- What's going on, guys?

- You are so busted.

- You're a faker.

- A motherfaker!

Jeffy doesn't understand.

Jeffy cocoa for Cuckoo Puffs. Jeffy...

- Shut up with that, you stupid A-S-S!

- Yeah, we know you're not "special".

Yeah. You think you can fool us?

- "My name is Jeffy. Can I have a hug?"

- "Jeffy likes apples. "

I've seen better acting on pornos.

- You lay it on too thick.

- Yeah. We do that too. When we want things.

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