The Ringer Page #4

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Yeah. Show him what you did last year

when Pamela Anderson came to see us.

- Not so aggressive.

- It took Pamela longer to catch on.

I'm sorry, guys.

It was wrong of me to try and fool you.

Why would you do something like that?

You got no idea

what kind of pressure I'm under.

What's that mean, Jeffy?

It's not Jeffy. It's Steve.

And it's a long story.

What happened was that...

I worked with this guy named Stavi

and I was sent to fire him.

And that's how I got here.

- What?

- Do you know what he's talking about?

- I'm baffled, Jeffy.

- It's not Jeffy. It's Steve.

It's not...

It's Steve, not Jeffy.

I thought you said your name was Stavi.

- No. I'm Steve, not Stavi.

- Just get your story straight.

- Stavi lost his fingers.

- Does he have insurance? Medicare?

Medicaid? Or Aflac?

No! He doesn't have Medicare, Medicaid

or Aflac. That's why I'm in this position.

OK, let me do this again.

I'm gonna start from the beginning.

Stavi worked for me, all right?

And he lost his fingers.

So in summation...

Rudy, come on, stick with me here.

OK, wrap it up.

Stavi is the guy who lost his fingers

and I needed money

so I could get 'em sewn back on.

And that's why I did this.

Wow. Poor Stavi.

Boy, Steve, you really screwed that guy over.

What made you think you could win?

Well, I actually ran track in high school,

and I was division champion at 800 metres.

What was your best time?

2:
02, 2:03.

All right, then.

I'm gonna be going.

What?

What are you doing?

I'm packing.

Why?

Cos you guys are right. I'm a faker.

- We want you to stay.

- Yeah, right.

We're serious.

Yeah. We're sick of Jimmy

winning all the time.

Jimmy's a prick.

God. We're sick and tired

of seeing his mug on TV.

Dateline. Wheaties.

Last week, he was on According to Jim.

Let's be fair. That was a good episode.

- You guys think I can beat him?

- I didn't say that.

Maybe. But you have to start trying.

- I am.

- You're at the top level here.

Yeah.

- Hey, guys.

- Hello.

- Hi, Lynn.

- Hi, Lynn.

Listen, I hate to break this up,

but I need to have a talk with Jeffy.

What's this about?

- Hi, David.

- Hey, Jeffy.

Come on over.

Jeffy, I was a little troubled

by our talk, so I called David...

- This isn't necessary, Lynn.

- It is. He shouldn't say hurtful things.

Jeffy, did David really poke you?

No.

Then why did you say that?

Jeffy a small person.

- I think you should apologise to David now.

- Honey, he really doesn't have to.

Well, only if you want to.

- Jeffy want to.

- Great. That's very mature of you.

Absolutely.

- Are you OK?

- Get off of me!

- All right!

- Jeffy wanna go!

Get up, Steve. It's Uncle Glen.

Get up!

It's 3am.

Time to practise, butt-face.

Only a week to get you in shape.

Come on. Ten more minutes, guys.

Come on, Steve. Run.

If you want a betterjump,

you gotta push off your plant foot.

Come on, Jeffy. Push it.

- Damn!

- He's gonna be a real project, isn't he?

You can say that again.

He's gonna be a real project, isn't he?

He stinks out loud.

Protein shake. Drink up.

God. What's in that?

Milk, eggs and meat.

- What kind of meat?

- Raw.

These are my good shoes.

Hey, guys.

How's this helping me win the race?

You know, he raises a good point.

Special Olympics!

How's a blindfold gonna help me run faster?

Take it off and I'll show you.

Sic him, Killer. Get the bad man.

Go get him!

That's a vast improvement.

So this fat-ass floor manager lady

comes up to me,

and she looks like a female Ted Koppel.

She says, "If you wanna piss your time away,

why don't you

move your desk into the urinal?"

Floor manager.

I don't understand, though.

You've been working at thatjob

for two years, but you hate it?

What else am I going to do?

Well, there's always Kinko's.

You must like something, Steve.

In high school, I wanted to be an actor,

but I didn't turn out so hot.

- So you went to Hollywood?

- No.

He went to Broadway. Right, Steve?

Actually, I didn't get around to that either.

Summer stock.

No.

Everyone told me I wasn't

going to make it anyway, though.

People tell us all the time

what we won't ever do.

Won't ever read. Won't ever have ajob.

Won't ever learn to tie my own shoes.

Won't ever have a girlfriend.

I have done all of those things.

- But you can't tie your own shoes.

- And you never had a girlfriend.

- That's right.

- But, guys, acting is hard.

You have to remember lines.

Let's not kid ourselves.

Looks are important in that industry.

- It's true. Very true.

- I'm sorry. Somebody had to say it.

I mean, you probably wouldn't have made it,

but you could have tried.

- You wanna see some really good acting?

- Yeah.

Yeah. He does Chucky from Child's Play.

I'm Chucky. Wanna play?

This camping is fun.

- Is that Karen?

- Don't say her name.

What if she heard you?

I don't want her to know I like her.

Then she...

Did you know Christ was a Jew?

You should go talk to her.

What do I say?

I don't know.

I pretty much stink at that kind of stuff,

butjust go over there

and say something honest.

What a cockblock.

- Hi, how are you today?

- Hi.

- You love Lynn.

- I do not.

Hey. What's happening?

What are you laughing about?

Hello, Lynn.

Hey, Lynn. So today's Friday,

the day before Saturday.

You got any big plans for the weekend?

Big plans? I'm going to Costco.

I got a few things to pick up.

I love Costco. Costco's good.

I love baseball better.

- Can I help?

- Eye contact.

All right. Yeah. Yeah. I could use a hand.

Come along. I'll pick you up at ten, OK?

All right, cool. See you then.

See you guys later.

Can I come with you, sexy?

Smooth move, Ajax.

I would definitely bring protection.

All right.

- Come on.

- I have a terrible singing voice.

Come on.

You're right. You can't sing.

That's OK. Jeffy still loves you.

- This cart is too full.

- You're something else.

Barker?

How are you doing?

I haven't seen you since high school.

- I don't know you.

- Wow. Looks like you're doing OK.

- I think you're confusing him with someone.

- No.

Dude! Come on, it's Peter. Peter Conway.

- Peter's another name for wiener.

- Yes!

- Sir, seriously. You're mixing him up.

- No. You said the same stuff at high school.

I don't know you. I don't know you!

Please, stop! Will you just walk away, sir?

What are you doing? Just walk away.

Walk away.

Dude, you've got to call me.

Man, that is classic. Man!

- You want another gallon of mustard?

- No, thanks.

I'm still pretty full from the jug of relish.

- Jeffy likes taking long trips with Lynn.

- Yeah. Me too, Jeffy.

- Who's that?

- That's my big brother, Jeremy.

He was special. Just like you.

Is he competing this year?

Well, he died a few years ago.

I think you guys

would have been great friends.

Father, I've been

doing something bad, really bad.

- I'm a terrible person.

- There are no terrible people.

Only poor, misguided souls.

Now, please, unburden yourself.

See, I was in a real bind and...

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