The Riot Club Page #3

I'm very much the ragged end of the gentry.

So, I must ask,

what's a nice Westminster boy like you doing

with all those boot-strappy regionals?

I don't know, Lauren's cool, so...

Well, you know what they say,

girls for now, girls for later.

So...

The Club...

The Riot Club connects me to hundreds

of years of history.

The dinner is debauchery raised to an art,

almost spiritual.

Something is released.

Do you know there are some people

who think they're here to get a degree?

Yeah, listen.

Could you stop flirting with me, please?

Oh, really?

Go on, then.

Help...

Off we go!

I've got the money for those fines.

I will be back very shortly.

Maestro!

Ugh!

Sh*t!

Straight,

straight, straight.

Oh!

Chateau Petrus, 1976.

What is the correct way to eat ortolan?

Which is bigger, a Mordechai

or a Methuselah?

What is a Roman shower?

Which happens first, the Cheltenham

Gold Cup or the Grand National?

What did Disraeli do three times

and Gladstone four?

What does a coprophagic like to do?

How did Edward ll die?

Which is oldest, Trinity College Cambridge

or Trinity College Oxford?

Don't answer yet. Go, go, go!

- Come on!

- OK

What is the answer to question five?

- Chancellor of the Exchequer.

- Oh, yeah!

Forty seconds!

- Answer in the right order.

- Yes.

Ortolan, eat it with a

napkin over your head.

- Come on, mate, think!

- Mordechai.

- Getting someone to vomit on you.

- Whoa! Whoo!

Cheltenham Gold Cup.

- Chancellor of the Exchequer.

- Yeah!

Sh*t! They do they...

They like to eat sh*t.

- Red hot poker up the arse.

- Come on, mate!

- And, uh...

- Ten seconds!

- Trinity College, Cambridge.

- Yes!

By nine years.

That was actually remarkably good.

I feel polluted. Those guys are hard-core.

It was total carnage.

Are you sure you want to be in this thing?

Yeah, it's actually kind of an honour

to be asked, if they want me.

You don't even know yet?

Well, apparently, I'll be sent a sign.

Here.

Well, just sip it.

Oh, I saw your post.

The Honourable Miles Richards?

You're an "Honourable"?

It's just a historical thing,

it doesn't mean anything.

God, are you sure you wouldn't prefer

one of those rah girls with all the hair?

Listen.

I've been out with those girls.

And you are so much better.

- Hmm.

- You're gorgeous.

Everything you've just said is bollocks.

Or to put it another way?

Woolly liberal bollocks.

Sorry, but calling the Beveridge Report

"a wholly positive force"...

The NHS and the welfare state were founded

on the post-war re-evaluation of society.

Which your essay suggests

is some kind of socialist utopia!

I'm just saying, the culture

of dependency it fostered...

Fostered moral citizenship!

Forcing people to pay

for other people's bad choices.

- Or bad luck!

- Gentlemen!

May I suggest, we're straying

into subjective territory.

I'm much less interested in your opinions

than I am in intellectual rigour.

We're historians. Not guests on Newsnight.

Welcome to the Riot Club.

You f***ers.

You total f***ers.

We aim to please.

Hope you weren't too attached

to your, um, everything.

- Sh*t! Oh, f***!

- Miles?

- Oh, my God, have you been burgled?

- No, it's...

Your laptop!

Oh...

Well, I think this means I'm in.

This is what they do to people they like?

No, I'm just going to clear it up.

Oh, come on, it's just a bit of fun.

- It's tradition.

- These people are not your friends.

- Oh, for f***'s sake, Lauren!

- What?

Well, maybe, you don't like it

cos you don't get to do it.

F***! Look, I'm sorry! Lauren!

Jesus.

I just wish I knew whose jizz it was-.

Well, it's one for all and all for one.

So, in a way, it's everyone's jizz.

Great, so, you did Bukkake on my room.

Proper Riot boy.

Here.

It's actually really hard to get off.

Paper's porous.

You know, in a few years' time, these

boys will be behind some very big desks,

important desks.

You as well.

College is the last time we get to disport

ourselves without anyone watching.

Let's not waste it by being squeamish.

Looks great. Looks classy.

It's a ruby wedding party, Dad,

I don't know if they want classy.

No, this is the Young Entrepreneurs.

- Students? All this?

- Hmm.

Wealthy kids, wealthy parents.

This is a fine dining market.

Yeah, we're a pub, not a Michelin Star.

And do you know how many pubs

are closing every week in this country?

Helen, they need forks

as well as spoons for dessert,

they're not having Fruit Corners.

Posh people say "pudding", Dad,

not "dessert".

No they don't, do they?

- Where did you learn that?

- University?

Must have been.

Don't drink until the president

says you can.

OK.

And absolutely no talk

of religion or politics.

- Is it always this far away?

- Oh, we're banned from anywhere closer.

And the menu is all, like, breast

of chicken wrapped in boring,

so I said to Leighton,

"Mate, let me go off-piste,

"organise something awesome."

It's great President material.

F***, is this restaurant in Wales?

- Better start my campaign, then.

- You?

Election's next term, isn't it?

What, you think I wouldn't be good?

Just didn't think you'd

be going for President.

Is it because I is Greek?

Jesus, Bellingfield,

it's because I'm Greek?

No! No, mate, come on.

- Mate, how long have we been friends?

- Since the first day of school.

And you think I couldn't be

President because I'm Greek?

Oh, my...

Wow!

Hi! George Balfour. Have you...

Is this the 60-80?

Boom! F***ing Reservoir Dogs!

- Evening, chaps.

- Hello, mate.

- What the f***?

- Mate?

- My f***ing tute partner.

- Oh, classic.

- So, Milo?

- Hmm.

Do you know, I don't think I know

a single person called Lauren.

Prolier than thou.

- Lauren what, Lauren who?

- Lauren Small.

- Oh, small, is she?

- Not where it matters.

Actually, she's, she's nice.

F***, I thought you were

just being a sex tourist.

Well, what's the point of college

if you can't experiment?

What, you mean "girls for now,

girls for later"?

Yeah, you'll learn, mate.

Girls are for gays.

- Oh, look, it's bloody Leighton!

- Yes, sorry, sorry.

Did you get held up at the nail bar?

Start the party. I am thirsty.

- Showtime, Balf!

- Oh! Oh.

Oh, uh, duty calls.

Bloody nice to meet you.

- Oh, and, uh, good luck with the llamas.

- Oh, thank you.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Ready?

All right, nice and

still, please, gents.

Ah!

Evening, gentlemen. Please do come through.

Thanks very much.

Thought you'd be in business suits,

more of a pinstripe thing.

- I'm sorry?

- Young Entrepreneurs Club.

- I'm sorry?

- Young Entrepreneurs Club.

Oh, yes, um, it's, uh, it's a retro night!

OK, we've got three soups...

OK, three soup, one prawn, two parfait,

two no starter, then two salmon,

- one haddock, five chickens.

- Five f***ing chicken! Why do we bother?

You're going to get

the lads' starters out first, yeah?

No, we've taken the ruby Wedding's order,

we should do them before the penguins.

Private diners need to feel as if

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