The Riot Club Page #4

they're being given VIP treatment.

Right, then! Well, good evening, gentlemen,

and welcome to the Bull's Head this evening.

Please feel free to sit down

and make yourselves at home.

Can't sit before the president.

Yeah, sit down, sit down.

Well, just a bit of housekeeping

before we serve your dinner,

hoping there's no dietary requirements

we haven't heard about.

I don't eat sh*t food.

I'm afraid you can't smoke in here,

but if you wish to partake,

please feel free to go outside.

The fire extinguisher is just over there.

Just hoping we won't be needing that, eh?

And, urn, lavatories are just

through the door where we came in,

so you don't have to go through

the main bar to access the facilities.

May I?

- Wants to be a waitress.

- Sommelier.

Gentlemen, let's start

this again, shall we?

Right.

Now just a bit of housekeeping

to go through...

Boo!

Yes, before we get onto the proper

business of the evening,

getting chateaued beyond belief!

Huzzah! Hear! Hear!

Chunder bag.

It's our time, gentlemen.

Let us eat till we explode,

drink till our eyes fall out,

let us dance footloose upon the Earth,

and carpe some f***ing diem!

We who are about to dine, salute you.

Imbibe.

Mmm!

# God save our gracious queen

# Long live our noble queen

# God save the queen

# Send her victorious

# Happy and glorious

# Long to reign over us

# God save the queen #

Shall we make him a member.

Milo, wine.

Foie gras, mate.

Sorry, do you want yours

wrapped in a vine leaf? It'd be lovely.

This man needs some taramasalata!

I'm sorry, they're just

very excited to be here.

Chanel, Coco Mademoiselle.

Um, yeah. Well done.

All right, we're going in!

- See, they're nice, aren't they?

- Yeah, all right, they're nice.

I can't see them on The Apprentice, though.

What?

- She did...

- Villiers, you booked a prozzer?

Stick her under the table, yeah?

- Oh, yeah?

- What? Oh...

Villiers, how grubby!

I asked her to bring a false moustache

for when she does you.

Are you trying to make President?

- I'm just bringing sexy back.

- Villiers, if this gets out...

Worried about your CV, Leighton?

Carpe some diem, didn't you say?

- "We are legends"!

- Never mind.

Mmm and by the way, scrunching

Harry Villiers for sharking the waitress.

Oh, yes!

Oh, my God, that girl is tasty.

- OK, OK.

- Up you get, Villiers.

Scrunch! Scrunch! Scrunch! Scrunch!

- How would you like it cooked?

- Medium rare.

Medium rare!

Is there anything you

can do about the noise?

I'm sorry.

I think they're just enjoying themselves.

You know, boys...

Excuse me!

Yes.

- Any sign of that parfait?

- It's just coming.

It's just if Mum doesn't eat something

soon, she'll be singing as well.

All right, chaps, Banbury Toasts

while we're still upright.

- It's f***ing cool, man!

- What? What is this?

- Just a game, come on.

- Excuse me, I'm in charge.

OK...

Quiet now, OK, OK...

Quiet!

OK, grasshoppers, here are the rules.

If the word means new person

or some sort of beginner,

you take a shot. Best of five.

Abecedarian!

- Advantage Ryle's.

- Advantage Ryle's. Very good.

- No, it's fine.

- Good work.

- You'll get into the swing of it.

- You've done it.

Don't. Get away from me.

Whoo! Novitiate.

Come on! Come on!

Richards!

- Milo! Milo.

- He's back in this.

Here.

Neologism!

What? He said "gism".

OK, OK, OK!

Whippersnapper!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Draw! That's neck in neck, it's a draw.

- This is fantastic!

- Next round.

OK, OK, OK, come on.

Didn't I say? Come on, fight it, fight it.

- Come on!

- Fight it!

Shh!

Catechumen!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

That's Richards! We have a winner!

Come on, mate, come on.

Did you see? That was brilliant!

Really brilliant, honestly.

Three shots, mate!

All right, shh!

Raise your glasses

to Lord Riot and the dead members.

Dead members!

You've got a dead member,

haven't you, Bell-end?

Only cos your mum's

been sitting on it 24/7.

Once more unto the drink,

dear friends.

Once more! And give a roar

for all our English drunk.

On, on you noblest Riot,

whose blood is fed from vodka 80 proof!

Be envy now to clubs of weaker blood.

And teach them how to drink.

The game's afoot!

Pour out your spirits,

and with glasses charged,

Cry, "God for Harry,

"Dimitri and Alistair,

"James, Toby, Edward, Milo,

"Hugo, Guy and George!"

Plates, please, quick, quick, quick!

Size of that. Let's get a photo, yeah?

Oh, my Christ! That's a very big chicken.

That, gentlemen, is a 10 bird roast.

- Well, it's not actually...

- Good man.

What is a 10 bird roast?

- Porn?

- Exactly what it says,

a bird inside a bird inside a bird

inside a bird etcetera...

- We did have a tiny problem with...

- Bellingfield, it's amazing!

- It's amazing!

- Bravo, mate. Good work.

- What's pudding going to be?

- A 10 trifle, trifle?

Ten cake, cake.

Great! Who wants to do the honours?

How about I do it with this.

- Oh, Milo!

- Milo!

Yes, Milo!

Oh, I love a roast potato! I love them!

Absolutely disgraceful.

Why 10 birds specifically?

Because there's 10 of us.

Ten birds bound in the heat

of the fire into one entity,

i.e., the club.

- What birds is it?

- Must be something tiny in the middle.

- A tiny shrew?

- Birds, you wad.

- Duckling?

- No, that's not a bird.

I think it's a budgerigar.

- Poussin? Woodcock.

- Oh, no, woodcock are tiny.

They'd be a bugger to shoot.

So that woodcock's been inside

more birds than Villiers.

Nine? Nine squared, mate.

- Seriously, what birds is it?

- Dims, OK.

Uh, woodcock.

Uh, duck, chicken, goose.

Guinea fowl, quail, partridge,

turkey, pigeon, pheasant.

Ten birds.

There's no guinea fowl in here.

What?

Dad, they won't notice, will they?

Just couldn't get hold

of a guinea fowl this week.

I mean, maybe we should change suppliers.

- Table eight away.

- The amount they've drunk,

I did try to tell them.

Unless

there was, like, a blue tit

smashed up in the stuffing.

- Nine f***ing birds!

- Mate, I hate broccoli.

- Did he tell you?

- No, he f***ing didn't!

- Come on, guys, it's still pretty cool.

- It's delicious!

Are we going to complain?

It's just that when we arrange something,

we expect to get it.

OK, is anyone still hungry?

- Cos I could make you an omelette.

- No, no, sorry.

Rachel, I don't think you understand,

these chaps have eaten in some

of the finest restaurants in the country.

- The world, mate.

- What are you doing in Kidsbury, then?

- I'm sorry, what?

- You might want to keep the noise down a bit.

Well, that could have gone better.

- Oh, well, there goes the neighbourhood...

- What?

She went to school with my sister

and now she's

a sex worker.

Thank you, but we'd prefer it if

you took your business elsewhere.

- Leighton got totally f***ing rinsed.

- No, I didn't.

It's really not that important, is it?

It's important we get what we want.

Yes, thank you, Ryle.

Gentlemen, it's cock o'clock.

Yes! Yes, brilliant.

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