The Riot Club Page #5

Harry, tell her, I've got my cock

out ready for her.

Oh, no, no. There's a fire exit.

Go round the back. Yeah, yeah.

Please, come through.

- After you.

- Thank you, Harry.

Ah!

Well, this is Charlie.

She's a...

What do you say? A call girl?

- Oh, an escort actually these days.

- Escort.

Oh, thank you.

Um, you've got a room, have you?

Um, where are the others going to go?

Oh, no, no, they'll be here.

Around the table.

- Right?

- And you, well,

you, under the table.

What am I doing under the table?

Um, us. One at a time.

- Maybe three at a time.

- Mate.

Well, she's got two

hands, hasn't she? So...

You're talking about oral?

On all of you?

We'd give you a cushion for your knees.

Yeah, um...

I think there's been...

- Chris?

- Dad?

Hang on there, Rach. Chris?

Rachel needs you out front,

table 12 is kicking off.

Yeah.

I do a more classy sort of service.

You know, like a date, only I don't call

in the morning. Dinner, conversation...

Yeah, we wanted to pick

your brains about fiscal policy.

Um, did the agency not say that

extras had to be agreed in advance?

I thought he was asking

if I wanted more than one girl.

They throw these f***ing

euphemisms at you.

Villiers.

Listen, Charlie,

I'm sure we can work something out,

can't we?

A considerably bigger fee,

which the agency needn't know about?

Oh, I don't do anything off the books.

Sorry, I'm trying to be a gentleman here,

but I'm actually really f***ed off.

OK, isn't she just the wrong kind of...

A different kind of...

Don't, Richards!

You might be happy

being p*ssy-whipped, but I'm not.

OK, mate.

Look, I promised these boys

they'll get a blow job tonight,

if you don't do it, then

I look like a c*nt.

I'm really sorry,

but I don't do more than two visits

in a row without a break, so...

What break do you need

if you're just lying there?

I'm not just a live version

of the sock you wank into.

I'm not sure you quite appreciate

who you're talking to.

Do it yourself, you'll be under the table,

a mouth's a mouth.

Why can't you just f***ing do it?

Why can't you just buckle down and...

Oh, for f***'s sake, you're a whore.

Right, I think I'm going now, aren't I?

Toodle Pip!

F***!

Do understand, sir,

we've been short-staffed this evening

- and your order got caught in a bottleneck.

- What about the noise?

- We could try and find you another table.

- We're leaving.

I don't suppose you want to settle up

for your drinks and starters?

I am trying to run a

family restaurant here.

Gastro pub.

You might like that sort of thing,

I find it extremely offensive.

Notwithstanding, it's against the law...

Let's not get into the legality of this.

I've just had a table of four

leave before their mains,

refusing to pay the bill

because of the noise.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

We're very, very sorry.

I think it's time for you to leave, please.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We're ever so sorry.

Most of us went to boarding school,

we don't really know any women.

I'd like you to leave.

How much was the bill?

For the table who left?

Um, maybe, 100 by the end of the night.

- And we're spending what tonight?

- Ryle, just...

We're spending what tonight?

About three and a half grand, I think.

It's not just about the money,

it's about goodwill,

these people are my customers.

OK.

Gesture of goodwill.

We'll, um, we'll call it 150, all right?

Let's say they were going

to order another bottle.

We wouldn't want you to be out of pocket.

Exactly.

This is what they teach you

at boarding school, is it?

Actually, yeah, it is.

Here we go.

Lovely!

I thought you were going to chuck them out.

We came to an arrangement.

Did you let them pay you off?

All right, so, I let them reimburse me

for a table that we lost.

What? Would you rather that I just

didn't take money off people?

I'm still paying off

your student loan, you know.

- Dad...

- Look, Rachel, if you've got comments,

just save them for after

service, all right?

Michael, I'll be behind

the bar if you need me.

"Is that what they teach you

at boarding school?"

I know. Knob-jockey.

Come on. You offered him a deal,

he took it, what's the...

Yeah, but he keeps the moral high ground.

What about, don't take the money

if you feel that f***ing strongly?

Or what about, take the money,

but shut the f*** up?

Ryle, you're a f***ing legend.

And her, right, Charlie,

you're a prostitute,

love, get on your knees.

F*** ya!

I mean, are we just going to sit here

and take it, carry on taking it?

- We're all going to come out of college...

- Which we worked f***ing hard for.

...and there's going to be no country left

for us because of people like him.

Oh, come on, that's a bit

of a hard line position, isn't it?

We never use those.

Buon appetito!

OK, join it up, shall we?

So, OK, they want all the stuff,

nice car, massive telly,

so they borrow more than

they can ever afford to pay back.

- Yeah.

- Then, when the great New Labour

shop in the sky goes up in flames,

they vote us back in to sort it out.

Sounding a lot like a conversation

about politics here, can I just say?

State of the world, mate.

Everything's political.

- I'm here for the wine and the jokes.

- Hear, hear.

Cos you've got no heritage, that's why.

- I've got a boatload of heritage.

- No, mate, you've got a boat.

F*** you, Bellingfield.

You know, they're obsessed...

- They're obsessed with upward mobility.

- Absolutely.

Don't understand why it doesn't

all just get handed to them.

- Mate.

- No, f*** you.

- Does anyone not want their pudding?

- Is that why they're all so bitter?

I can't help who my father is, but every

f***ing internship interview it comes up,

as if I haven't worked,

as if I don't work my f***ing arse off!

- It's just them and us all over again.

- Yes!

No, it's not. It's not at all.

It's not them and us.

In our village pub, we drink with everyone.

People who work in the estate, farmers.

- Who buys the drinks?

- Sorry?

Who pays for the drinks?

Well, I do.

You think they don't laugh at you

when you're not there?

George, they hate you.

F***! Oh, that's nice.

All I need now is a blo-jo.

Maybe we should just try and

find a way to, uh, co-exist.

Mate, just cos you're doing field research

doesn't mean the rest of us want to.

We apologise.

We apologise for being who we are.

We pretend we're the same,

we do it to ourselves, yeah?

We need to stop apologising.

Cos it's only going to get worse.

Sh*t! Um, lose it, lose the coke.

Um, yep-

- Hi.

- F***!

What are you, uh, sorry, hi...

Um, what are you... What

are you doing here?

You texted me?

You asked me to come.

- No, I didn't.

- Yeah, you texted me.

Sorry, who are you?

Oh, it's Miles' girlfriend.

- Lauren Small!

- I didn't text you.

No, I didn't f***ing text her!

I didn't text you.

Presumably, we could sort this out

quite easily by seeing the text?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Very good point.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

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