The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #3

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which particular thousand

were going to be asked next time...

Well, of course,

it would be very unethical of me

to reveal my knowledge

of IOP's next poll.

Yes. Yes, I think unethical is the word.

- Practically criminal...

- Cheers!

Inside your folders, along with your

twenty-five pound bonus,

you'll find detailed instructions

and photographs of twenty men.

These twenty men are undertaking

a survey on religious attitudes

for International Opinion Polls.

Tomorrow Wednesday

they will be in Nuneaton.

So will you. Lights please!

Those of you in Group One

will go immediately

to the Rawleigh Shopping Precinct

where you'll see this man.

(RIMMER) (SHOUTING) Ferret!

(FERRET) Sorry!

(CRODDER MOANS)

What's the matter with Crodder?

Well, I'm afraid the sex survey's

rather taken it out of him, sir.

Where you'll see this man.

(RIMMER) When he questions you,

you will give the answers provided

on your sheet.

(PUMER) Come on. Quickly.

Come on. Come on.

Twenty-five past. We want to be going

by half-past. Come on.

Okay, now you all know

your groups, right?

Now, Groups Two and Three,

go to your stations

you'll find them up that way.

Groups Four and Five, your stations

you'll find up that way.

Right, now Group One, the rest of you,

follow me. Walk naturally.

(PUMER) Morning.

(INTERVIEWER) Morning.

(PUMER) I was just, er,

cleaning my pockets out

over in that, er... thing.

Oooh! Ah, ah...

- Banged my leg on this bench...

(INTERVIEWER) Oh.

Oof, er...

Yes, I, er... banged my leg

against this... this old bench.

Erm... are you all right?

(PUMER) Yes, fine. Fine, thanks.

Yes, I like to keep fit,

plenty of exercise.

Yes, you could almost say

it was my, er, religion.

Erm, I'm awfully sorry. What I

really wanted to ask you was,

could you possibly tell me

the time, please?

Oh, sorry. Yes, er, yes...

It's just before nine-fifteen.

Ah, thank you very much indeed

because I was saying to my wife when

we were praying this morning...

(INTERVIEWER) Excuse me.

We're doing a survey

of people's religious attitudes

and habits

...er, excuse me, madam...

we're just doing a survey

of people's religious

attitudes and habits

and would very much value

your opinion.

Oh, yes. Certainly.

(INTERVIEWER) What religion are you?

- I'm a Buddhist.

- A Buddhist?

- Yes.

- I see. A practising Buddhist?

- Yes.

How long have you been a Buddhist?

All my life.

(INTERVIEWER) Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, erm...

- We're doing a survey of religious...

(CRODDER) I'm a Buddhist.

You're a Buddhist?

There's a lot of us

in Nuneaton, you know.

(INTERVIEWER) Er, well...

(PUMER) I'm awfully sorry

to bother you once again.

Could you possibly tell me

what time...?

(INTERVIEWER) Yes, yes, sorry.

Yes, sorry

It's just past nine-sixteen, so you're

all right there.

(PUMER) Oh, yes. As I was saying

to my religious father...

(INTERVIEWER) Excuse me...

excuse me, madam.

Erm, excuse me, madam.

What... what religion are you? What...

(TANYA) I'm Church of England.

Have you always been C of E?

Oh, no. Only since I married.

And before that you were...?

(BOTH) A Buddhist.

(PUMER) I'm frightfully sorry...

Look, would you please stop

asking me the time!

Now, stop it!

(PUMER) I'm a Buddhist...

There has been strong reaction in Nuneaton

to the poll published today by IOP

showing that forty-two percent

of the population of Nuneaton

are practising Buddhists, twenty-two percent

are Mohammedans, only eleven percent

are Church of England, and that nine percent

are worshippers of the Great White Ram.

From Nuneaton now,

Gerald Pringle reports.

This astonishing result

has raised strong feelings

among the God-fearing people

of Nuneaton.

The man in the street is shocked

and bewildered.

(IN BIRMINGHAM ACCENT) I'm shocked

and bewildered, Gerald.

I'm, er, bewildered and shocked!

Was that alright?

I'm not saying that Buddhism

is a bad thing.

But is it a good thing?

It's possible to approach God

in a great many different ways

but there's no need

to be silly about it.

From the angry streets

of Nuneaton... goodnight.

The Leader of the Opposition,

Tom Hutchison

in a speech at Beccles,

soundly condemned

the Government over this incident.

In our manifesto at the last election

we pointed out, in no uncertain terms,

the danger of opinion poll firms

operating without proper control.

If I may quote

There are many other fields

in which the Tory Party

might not hesitate

to take action.

(APPLAUSE)

(CLAPPER-LOADER) 'Scene One, Take Eight.'

(HENCH) Mr Rimmer, doesn't this result

clearly demonstrate that we place rather

too much trust in opinion polls?

(RIMMER) Not at all. Although

I do think it raises

some doubts about

the sampling methods of IOP.

But why should we believe

that your methods are any more reliable?

I just want to be judged

by results, Steven.

Take the forthcoming by-election

at Lymholt.

I'm prepared to guarantee

that our forecast

- will be within one percent.

(DIRECTOR) Cut!

Thank you very much.

Bloody idiot! How the hell can you

guarantee one percent?

We'll ask everybody.

(# MARCHING MUSIC)

- Oh. Mrs Spimm...

- Hello again!

We're conducting a survey

into people's voting habits.

Come on in...

(PRINGLE) And now here is the

Returning Officer, Alderman Poot

to announce the results.

The Fairburn opinion poll has predicted

a Conservative victory by 4.1 percent.

(RETURNING OFFICER, VIA PA) Edith Melon.

(PRINGLE) Liberal.

(RETURNING OFFICER) Three thousand,

two hundred and twelve.

(RETURNING OFFICER) Kevin Parrot.

(PRINGLE) Labour. (BOOS AND CHEERS)

(RETURNING OFFICER) Twelve thousand,

seven hundred and ninety-one.

(PRINGLE) That's down, and it is

possibly a low poll.

(RETURNING OFFICER) Colonel Richard Pryor-Grafton.

(PRINGLE) Conservative.

(RETURNING OFFICER) Fourteen thousand

and eight.

(PRINGLE) Oh, Conservatives in

by 4.1 percent.

Tremendous triumph for Fairburn Polls

and, of course, the Conservatives.

(HUTCHISON) Hello, Geoffrey!

(GEOFFREY) Morning, Tom.

(HUTCHISON) I must say I like the, er...

(GEOFFREY) Ah, yes.

Well, if the people won't come

to the church

the church must come

to the people.

I like the steeple particularly, don't you?

The feeling that, er...

(RIMMER) Julian! Lovely exhibition.

Thought it was absolutely super...

...marvellous. See you later.

- Lady Dorothy, how very sweet of you to come.

(LADY DOROTHY) I wouldn't have missed it...

(RIMMER) Hugh! I loved your speech

on abortion.

- It was really gorgeous.

(WILTING) Thank you...

(RIMMER) How very good of you to come, sir.

(HUTCHISON) Hello, Michael.

(RIMMER) Nice to see you. Like some champagne?

(HUTCHISON) Thank you.

(RIMMER) Lots of food all around.

You can just pick it up as you want.

(GEOFFREY) Thank you very much.

(HUTCHISON) My goodness. You seem

to have half of London here.

(RIMMER) Just a few friends, really.

(GEOFFREY) I think parties are such a good idea.

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