The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #4

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(RIMMER) Do you like them?

Nice place, too.

Have you managed to find time

for our little survey?

Yes. I think we've managed

to put our finger

on the reason for your

declining attendances.

We've tried everything, you know.

Pop groups. Bingo.

Hallucinogens in the wafers.

Son et Lumiere in the graveyard,

and, of course, these clothes are

a bit out for the 1970s.

I think that's very good thinking,

but there is one basic

stumbling block.

What's that? What's keeping them away?

God.

I had a nasty suspicion it was that.

You see, seventy-three percent

of the population

find it very difficult to believe in Him.

Well, I do think that doubt

is a terribly important part of belief.

You mean if we were

to fade out the God-side

of the worship, we'd get

better attendances?

(RIMMER) I think it's worth trying

in any case.

(GEOFFREY) Yes. A sort of Our Father,

which might be in Heaven?

(RIMMER) Yes, that kind of thing. Good.

(FAIRBURN) Delicious kedgeree!

(RIMMER) Hello, sir. Nice to see you.

(PHOTOGRAPHER) Mr Rimmer, sir!

(RIMMER) Thank you.

(FAIRBURN) Ferret...

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

(FAIRBURN) ...I'd like that mackerel!

Peter, how very super

of you to come.

Anything for a laugh.

- Have you got that dossier?

- Yes.

Better go have a word

with Tom Hutchison...

(FAIRBURN) No, not that one, Ferret...

That one!

Just shout for champagne if you need any...

Oh, excuse me.

Looks great...

Everything all right?

Sorry to neglect you, sir.

(HUTCHISON) Not at all. Excuse me...

I must say I was most impressed

with the Lymholt prediction.

Thank you very much.

I believe you're conducting a survey

as to the relative merits of

the Prime Minister and myself.

(RIMMER) Yes. Very interesting results.

Vapid. Oh dear.

Cold... tedious... uninspiring.

It's not so good over the page.

It's all very well being warm and lovable

but what this country needs is some

tough thinking at the top!

I couldn't agree more, sir.

(TANYA) Excuse me, sir.

The Prime Minister's on the phone.

Tell him I'll call him back,

would you?

You know, Rimmer. This survey of yours

isn't going to make it any easier for me

at the party conference.

There have been

some rumblings, you know.

I suppose if we only publish

the more... positive aspects

of your leadership, it might, er...

(HUTCHISON) Ah, yes, well, hmm...

Have you ever thought

of going into politics, Michael?

We need some dynamic

young blood in the party.

(RIMMER) But are there

any seats available?

(HUTCHISON) Oh, yes. There are always

seats available to the right man.

Old Eric Bentley's thinking of retiring.

(RIMMER) Well, I would be very interested.

(HUTCHISON) Of course, it depends on

what happens at the conference.

(RIMMER) I think I can help you there, Tom.

- Really?

(FAIRBURN) (LOUDLY) No, no, Ferret!

That one!

(HUTCHISON) (DECLAIMING)

And the first priority

must be that of trades union reform...

(RIMMER) (HECKLING) What about

unemployment?

(HUTCHISON) Don't talk to me

about unemployment!

(RIMMER) Very good. Keep the turn,

that was beautiful.

Now if we could just try it once again.

(HUTCHISON) Don't talk to me

about unemployment, young man.

I was... unemployed

before you were born.

My memory of those

terrible days in the Thirties

still brings tears to my eyes.

(NISS) Now. Cry now.

(RIMMER) Don't worry, Tom.

We'll supply your tears.

(HUTCHISON) Oh, thank you!

(RIMMER) Right next heckle.

(HE SINGS 'THE RED FLAG') The people's flag

is deepest red...

(NISS) It shrouded oft our martyred dead...

(HUTCHISON) Thank you for your

charming rendition

but I do not think the group

is ready to record yet.

(RIMMER AND NISS APPLAUD)

Lose the smile, love.

(RIMMER) Right, applause, applause.

(FOOTBALL RATTLES TURN RIMMER

AND NISS CHEER)

- Hurray!

- Bravo!

- Wonderful!

- Well done, Tom!

(RIMMER) Well done, Tom!

(NISS) What a ham.

(RIMMER) Tom, that was absolutely terrific!

(NISS) Fantastic warmth!

(RIMMER) So natural this time...

(NISS) You've done it again!

(RIMMER) Keep expecting the students

everything's going to be

all right on the night!

(VIOLENT CROWD NOISES)

(STUDENTS CHANTING) Police violence!

Police violence!

(CHANTING) Shame! Shame!

(CHANTING) Fascist pigs! Fascist pigs!

(NISS) And how did you persuade

the authorities

to establish a Faculty of Applied Violence?

(RANJIT X) Direct action. It's the only way,

with the minimum of non-violence.

U.S., plus napalm, equals what?

(STUDENT) Fascism, Ranjit.

(RANJIT X) First class, Gary.

Now, as I understand,

you guarantee

maximum TV and press coverage,

travel expenses, and

a bonus for speaking parts.

(NISS) Plus your usual

personal appearance fee of...

(RANJIT X) Oh, don't let's go into

bourgeois things like money.

Speak to my agent about it.

Get up! None of that old

Gandhi rubbish!

Get up and hit someone!

Oh, Che. Forgive them,

for they know not what they do.

Would you all come over here, please?

Will the group singing

'We Shall Not Be Moved'

move over here, please?

Fellow students. Next week,

the Conservative Party

is holding its annual conference...

(APPLAUSE)

(CHAIRMAN RAPS GAVEL)

(RIMMER) Hold on to the handkerchief, Tom,

and no smiling.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The next Prime Minister

of Great Britain, and leader of

the Conservative Party... Tom Hutchison!

(PROLONGED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen...

(STUDENTS SING) The people's flag

is deepest red...

It shrouded oft our martyred dead...

(CHAIRMAN) Order! Order!

Throw them out! Throw them out!

(RANJIT X) Leave me alone!

Leave me alone...

Down with the fascist pigs!

(SINGS) The people's flag is deepest red...

(VOICE IN CROWD) Throw them out!

(HUTCHISON) No, no! No, no

I would ask the ushers

not to eject our friends of the left.

(UPROAR DIES DOWN)

The Conservative Party believes

in freedom of speech.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

And I only wish they did!

(MORE APPLAUSE)

Thank you for that charming rendition

but I don't think the group of vocalists

of the left are ready to record yet!

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

(NISS) It's going very well.

(HUTCHISON) And now, if I may turn

to economic matters...

(WOMAN IN AUDIENCE) What about

the Old Age Pension?

(RIMMER) That's not in the script...

(WOMAN) What about the

Old Age Pension?

(HUTCHISON) Don't talk to me

about unemployment, young man!

I was unemployed

before you were born.

My memory of those

terrible days in the Thirties

still brings tears to my eyes.

And I, and the whole

of the Conservative Party

are strongly committed...

(CAPSULE HISSES)

and I emphasise this...

(BANGS ON LECTERN)

We are committed to a policy

of full employment...

(SOBS)

lower taxation...

social justice...

(UNCONTROLLABLE SOBBING)

and... and... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

(ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Amidst amazing scenes at

the Conservative Party conference

this afternoon

the Leader of the Opposition was accorded

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