The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #9

---

party points, but, erm...

...Suffer little ones

and let the little ones suffer.

He giveth and taketh away, and casts

his bread upon the waters.

Well, let's take one more look

at the tragic accident,

this time in slow motion.

(FILM ON SCREEN HAS NO SOUND)

(HENCH) Here, we see the Prime Minister

moving to one side

to give the photographers

a better view of the gold.

This is the crucial moment.

The Prime Minister slips. Michael Rimmer

rushes to his side...

...but is unable to save him.

But even so soon after the tragedy

the question on everybody's lips is

'Who will succeed?'

(SOLEMN TYMPANI NOTES)

(BREAM) I can't say I like the man,

but you must admit he's got something.

I can't say I like the man,

but I must admit he's got something.

What about you, Mandeville?

I can't say I like the man, but

I must admit he's got something on me.

(# JAUNTY POP MUSIC

ON PORTABLE RADIO)

(RADIO DJ) And there we are, folks

that's number five

in our Top Thirty this week,

and I think at the other end

of this telephone

because it's time for our afternoon

telephone call is Mrs Ferret.

(MRS FERRET) Hello?

(DJ) Hello, Mrs Ferret?

(MRS FERRET) That's right, Dave.

But Constance to you.

Great. Now what

do you do, Constance?

I'm just an ordinary housewife.

Great. What does

your husband work at?

My husband, Dave?

Oh, he's a failure.

Fine. And as

an ordinary housewife

who would you choose

to lead the Conservatives?

(WITH ENTHUSIASM) Oh, Michael Rimmer, Dave!

He's everything my husband isn't!

Well, Constance,

all I can say to that is...

(VOICE OF SMALL CHILD) ...groovy, baby!

(BUBBLING)

He's ruthless, opportunistic, dishonest,

shallow, evasive, and unprincipled.

But I'm still not sure

he'll make a good leader.

I shouldn't wait up

for me tonight, darling.

I might be a bit late.

- I want a divorce.

- Divorce? Why?

To put it in the only terms

you'd understand...

sexually speaking

we're seventy percent below

the national average.

I shouldn't pay too much attention

to one month's figures.

Seasonal variations can be

very misleading.

I mean it, Michael. I want a divorce.

That's normal. About forty-two percent

of married women

go through this phase during

the first year of their marriage.

How would it affect your chances of

being Prime Minister

if I went on television tonight

and told everybody

where the North Sea gold

really came from?

You wouldn't do that.

(PAT) I'll ring Steven Hench now.

No, you won't. Bye.

(PAT) He'd love to get you!

(RIMMER) Peter...?

(NISS) Yes?

(RIMMER) Pat's a bit upset.

I wonder if you'd look after her.

Don't let her near

a telephone till I get back.

- Right.

(PAT CLATTERS AGAINST GLASS DOOR)

I'd leave her in the bathroom

to calm down

if I were you.

(PAT, SHOUTING) Let me out!

Peter!

- Hello?

(PAT) Let me out!

I'd love to. But I can't.

Why not?

You can't stand him!

I know, but he's so nearly there.

And there are so many things

we can do together.

(PAT) Think of all the things we

would be able to do together!

I thought you loved me...

I do love you.

(PAT) And I love you, Peter.

And I love you, Pat.

Well, let me out, then.

(# MAIN 'RIMMER' THEME)

- Thank you, sir.

- Look this way, sir!

Oh, don't do that. You'll bruise

your lovely shoulders.

(PAT) If you loved me

you'd let me out!

- But I do love you.

(PAT) And I love you...

so let me out, you stupid,

spineless, sycophantic...

(APPLAUSE)

If you let me out

you can have me!

Darling Pat!

(APPLAUSE FROM TV)

May I say how proud

and privileged I am

to have been elected Leader

of the Conservative Party. (APPLAUSE)

I don't believe it.

He's done it!

So he has.

Sorry darling,

but duty calls.

(RIMMER, ON TV) ...albeit it

under circumstances

which I most bitterly regret.

This is not a time for false hopes.

The situation is critical

and I intend to take immediate action.

(RIMMER) Hello, darling.

Let's start improving

our monthly figures...

(RIMMER) Colonel Moffat,

late of the Spofforths,

is our new Minister of Defence.

(APPLAUSE)

Teddy Mandeville will be

Minister of Labour.

(APPLAUSE)

Now happily recovered from his illness.

I've chosen him because, above all,

Teddy is a deeply human man.

And nobody knows better than me

how very human he can be.

As public opinion polls

have become such a vital part

of our democratic way of life

the time has come to take them

out of private hands

where they can possibly be misused.

I've therefore created

a National Poll Board

under the chairmanship

of Mr Peter Niss.

(APPLAUSE)

Now, you know that I've

never sought power

and now that I have power

I want to share it with you.

For it is you, the people of Britain,

that have made this country great.

From now on, I want

to consult you directly.

On every major issue

there will be a referendum

in which you can vote, so at last

we can enjoy a real democracy.

Goodnight.

(# FORCEFUL MARCHING MUSIC)

Oh, look. There's more coming.

Isn't it nice!

Makes me feel so important.

We are important, Loretta. A vital cog.

Hats off to Rimmer.

(READS) Should we keep a continuing

military presence in Binwandi?

(MR SPIMM) Mmm.

(MANDEVILLE) The

whole country's gone mad.

(BREAM) The public doesn't know anything

about government.

What does he think he's doing?

(MANDEVILLE) He's off his head!

(BREAM) I suppose there's

one advantage.

He can hardly fail to stay in power.

(MANDEVILLE) In power? What power?

The public have got all the power.

Everyone's gone mad.

(WILTING) Are you going to resign?

(MANDEVILLE) I'm not mad. They are.

Well, that's done.

Bedtime, I think.

I, er...

I think I was right to take

a firm line on China.

(MRS SPIMM) Oh, guess you had to.

(BEEPER SOUNDS)

(MRS SPIMM) Ooh, quick, it's

the emergency tele-vote!

(VOICE FROM TV) Hello again.

The Government

would like to know your feelings

on water pollution.

(RIMMER) What could be more boring

than water pollution?

(NISS) Regional Development?

- That is a good one.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Oh dear...

The postmen are threatening to strike.

Good!

(DOGS BARK AND WHINE)

How can I be expected to know

about the agrarian reforms

of Nang-I-Tuot?

(MR SPIMM) Yes, I know

his heart's in the right place

and he's doing it for us.

And let's be fair

he never sought power.

But this isn't democracy.

He shouldn't try and get us involved.

That's his job. He's the leader!

I mean, that's what we're paying

him for, isn't it?

(PRINGLE) During today...

(MR SPIMM JOINS CHANT) No more polls!

...the demonstrations

against the new democracy

have reached their peak.

Pillar boxes have been blown up

and a group of twenty

Post Office workers

have chained themselves to the railings

outside Buckingham Palace.

(NEWSREADER) Earlier today,

National Poll Board chairman

Peter Niss faced a furious crowd

demanding an end

to 'government by referendum'.

(EXCITED COMMENTATOR) ...from The Grocer,

and at the post it's...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes