The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #8

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(REPORTER) Good luck, sir.

(# OPENING NOTES OF 'THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER'

PLAYED ON TROMBONE)

(UPBEAT VOICEOVER AND STIRRING PATRIOTIC MUSIC)

Britain's defences have never been stronger.

Take a look at the unique British 'Hover-Bomb'

which hovers over the enemy

issuing instructions to surrender.

If not shown a white flag within fifteen seconds

it devastates an area of fifty square miles!

(POTTER) I've never seen that.

Is it one of yours?

(VOICEOVER) Now, feast your eyes

on the giant new 'Caligula' missile,

computer-programmed

to home in on specific targets.

(MUSIC SWELLS)

(GENERAL STRIKE) Is it one of yours?

(VOICEOVER) And if that isn't enough

to strike fear

into the hearts of our enemies

what about this jolly little fellow

the Navy's nuclear-powered

'Water Weasel'.

When it's not annihilating our foes

it's hard at work gathering fish!

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

(CRICHTON) I've never seen any of those.

(VOICEOVER) So, for those who think

that the British Lion has lost its teeth

let them be warned

that it can still give them

a pretty nasty suck!

(MUSIC REACHES CLIMAX AND ENDS)

(RIMMER) I think this display here

will answer all your questions.

(POTTER) But they're just models!

(RIMMER) That's all we need. Thanks

to our Film Department

we have the finest

deterrent force in the world.

This will save roughly

one billion pounds a year,

enabling me to increase your own salaries

by one hundred percent.

(GENERAL STRIKE) What?

(CRICHTON) Twice as much, Willie.

(GENERAL STRIKE) Oh. Mum's the word.

(MOFFAT) What about the other ranks, sir?

Most chaps joined the army

to do a bit of

well, not to put too fine

a point on it killing.

I know I did!

Money isn't everything. The Spofforths

have a tradition to uphold.

It's Moffat of the Spofforths, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

You realise, Colonel Moffat,

that your regiment

is due to be disbanded?

But I understood

that under the Conservatives...

(RIMMER) Well, I think possibly

we might find

a special role for the Spofforths.

(MOFFAT) Oh.

(RIMMER) You see, Britain needs gold...

(MOFFAT) Yes.

(RIMMER) ...as you know, the Swiss have a lot of it.

(MOFFAT) Oh.

(RIMMER) This is where you come in...

(NO ONE TALKS)

(GLASS TANKS BUBBLE)

(SERGEANT) 'Ten-shun!

(MOFFAT) At ease, please.

(SERGEANT) Here we are, sir.

There's enough elephantiasis

in there to wipe out

the whole of China.

Just think of it

six hundred million

bloated Chinks rolling around!

(RIMMER) And where are the Union Jacilli?

- Over 'ere.

There we are, sir. The Union Jacilli.

Our latest germ for peace

incidentally, a big dollar earner

it's already gained the

Queen's Award for Industry.

And there's no known antidote?

Not as yet, sir, no.

It's an highly-concentrated

form of the English common cold.

Acts in seconds, leaves no trace.

- That's the one for us, Colonel.

- Yes, sir!

(SERGEANT LAUGHS)

Right little beggar, he is!

Once he gets in there,

there's no getting him out!

(SILENCE EXCEPT FOR FOOTSTEPS)

(HUTCHISON) Thank you, thank you!

- I'll see you again, too.

(WOMAN, TERSELY) Next!

(MAN WITH MICROPHONE) Have you

anything to tell us sir, please?

I'd just like to say

that my talks with the President

were wide-ranging, full

and exhausting.

(# BAGPIPES SKIRL)

(DRUNKENLY) And we'll sweep in...

and wipe 'em out, completely.

- No survivors?

(MAJOR SCOTT) No survivors?

That's a bit rough!

I'd better tell Mary right away.

No, sir. No survivors on their side.

Oh. That's more like it.

Simple. Effective.

And bloody good fun!

Better master the machinery.

Know your weapon.

How do these chaps work?

Ah. (READS) Press firmly

with the index finger...

first ensuring that all ranks

are wearing gas masks.

Ah. (AEROSOL HISSES)

(SNEEZES)

(MILITARY OFFICIAL) The Swiss

have been asking for it.

I mean, what self-respecting nation

can go five hundred years

without a war?

(NISS, DRUNKENLY) The Swiss?

(MILITARY OFFICIAL) Exactly.

Enough said.

(MOFFAT) You see, people

these days have lost

their sense of values.

Honour. Decency.

(RIMMER) Courage and loyalty.

Yes. I can't tell you

how grateful we chaps

are Michael, to you, for

giving us this chance

to do something for Britain.

Ordinary people are just sick and tired

of being pushed around.

(SHOUTS COMMANDINGLY) Pipe-Major!

Gentlemen. I give you...

Operation Cuckoo!

(ALL) Operation Cuckoo...

(VOICE) God bless her.

(# BAGPIPES SKIRL)

(# MILITARY FIFE AND DRUM MARCH)

(# LIGHT-HEARTED POLKA,

GRADUALLY SPEEDING UP)

(SNEEZING FROM VARIOUS DIRECTIONS)

(TRUMPET CALL)

(HISSING OF AEROSOLS)

(# TRIUMPHANT MILITARY MUSIC)

(MOFFAT) Take that!

(AEROSOLS HISS)

(SHOUTS) Come on. At the double!

This way, chaps...

(AEROSOLS HISS SPORADICALLY)

In you go, then.

Quick as you can!

(# ORCHESTRAL STRING WALTZ)

(MOFFAT, LOUDLY) Forward!

(NEWSPAPER SELLER SHOUTS)

North Sea gold find confirmed!

Big boost for Sterling!

Swiss government break off

diplomatic relations with Egypt!

(HUTCHISON) It gives me great pleasure

to show you the first piece

of gold to be mined

from our vast North Sea gold fields!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(RIMMER) Can I give you a hand, sir?

(HUTCHISON) No, Michael, it's all right.

I think it's me they want to see.

(PHOTOGRAPHERS) Can you move

back a bit, sir?

...A bit higher, sir.

...Back a bit, sir.

...Back a bit, sir.

...Back a bit, sir.

(HUTCHISON YELLS)

Let go of the gold, sir!

(HENCH, LAUGHING) I was

really quite fond of him

but what a stupid way to go!

(ALL LAUGH)

- Talk about a floating pound!

(ALL LAUGH AGAIN)

(FLOOR MANAGER) All right, studio.

Nice and quiet, please.

(SOLEMN TYMPANI NOTES)

Tonight, the country lies stunned

by the tragic news

of the death of the Prime Minister.

(BLACKET DISGUISES INVOLUNTARY

LAUGHTER BY COUGHING)

Messages of sympathy

have been pouring in

from all over the world.

The Pope has condemned

the senseless violence of our times.

The President of the USA

has spoken warmly

of the man with whom

he recently spent so much time.

Here in the studio tonight

we have three men who knew him well.

First, the Home Secretary,

Hugh Wilting, who was

with him when he died.

This is a black day... er,

darkish sort of day for Britain.

(HENCH) Your Grace...

I think it ironic that a man

who so loved the sea

should be, so to speak, bitten

by the mouth that drowned him.

Was it St Paul, or Cole Porter who said

we always hurt the one who loves us?

But I'm sure this fine man

has found solace

in Heaven with Almighty God

if there is such a person.

Mr Blacket. You, at times, have been

on rather acrimonious terms

with the late Prime Minister.

We've had our differences.

On one occasion indeed,

on several occasions

you described him as a

'two-faced, weasel-eyed git'.

In the rough-and-tumble

of parliamentary debate

one often says things

that are easily misinterpreted.

But there was a great warmth

between us.

One hates to make, er,

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