The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #7

---

'SEXUALITY'.

(HE LAUGHS)

Well, all I can do is this

N...

O...

'NO'? But you can't do that.

I mean, it isn't connected to anything.

Oh yes it is.

Goodnight, Peter.

(# CURRENT AFFAIRS THEME)

Good evening and welcome

to Election Grandstand.

The first result should be coming in

quite soon from Clitheroe.

This is Hugh Wilting's seat

and traditionally

the first constituency

to complete the counting.

But first, with no results in,

let's ask Peter Niss

of Fairburn Polls, what he thinks

of the situation.

Well frankly, Steven, I think we've started

the programme about an hour too early...

(HENCH LAUGHS) Well, let's go over

to Freddie Daring

at Clitheroe, to see

if there's any news yet.

Well, these lads have

a great reputation to maintain

and they're absolutely determined

to give us the first result!

I've never seen such

fast, hard counting,

and I think we should have something

to tell you in a few minutes.

Well, thank you Freddie.

And now let's take one more look

at the state of the parties.

Well, that's the position at the moment

with no results in yet,

and now perhaps we can get

a reaction from New York.

So over there now, by Early Bird,

to Tom Stoddart.

I am not your buddy.

Neither am I your mother!

Appalling people!

Ah, yes, well

over here in New York

we are all, as they say over here,

'dog-gone keen' to hear the first result...

(HENCH) ...And so are we here in London.

And we must go back up to Clitheroe

as I think they may

have something for us.

Come in, Freddie.

(HENCH) Freddie?

Can you hear me?

In that case, back to New York!

Here in Stockholm, we are

extremely excited...

(HENCH) We don't want to talk to you

at the moment, Doctor Luns

if we could talk to you later.

We're going back to Clitheroe

to get the first result.

- Oh, but I want...

(HENCH) Thank you, Doctor Luns,

we'll come back to you in a moment.

So over to Freddie Daring

in Clitheroe for the first result!

(HENCH) Hello, Freddie?

- Hello, Freddie?

(TOM STODDART) Over here in New York...

(HENCH) Hello, Freddie?

If we could just get Freddie...

No, we don't have

the result yet, but

in the closing minutes

these lads are going really berserk.

George Winthrop, one of the most

experienced counters,

broke a finger just now

but he's carrying on.

(DR LUNS) Hello, London!

(HENCH) Well, thank you, Freddie.

Well, still no results from Clitheroe.

Peter Niss?

In that case, let's rejoin our

good friend Doctor Luns in Stockholm.

Are you there, Doctor Luns?

He has gone to the...

He will be back.

In that case, let's go over to Paris

where Pierre Dubois is waiting.

Bonsoir, Pierre!

(WAITER) Bonsoir!

(HENCH) Pierre Dubois,

both candidates at Clitheroe

are keen supporters

of the Common Market.

What's the French reaction

to this phenomenon?

Ecoutez, Monsieur.

Je ne comprends rien

et je m'en fou!

Salut! Le service non compris.

Comme d'habitude d'ailleurs!

...Well, I don't think we've located

the right Pierre Dubois.

But while we were talking to Paris

we did get the first result

not from Clitheroe

but from Beccles and here it is.

A Conservative gain of 17,000.

Now let's see what swing that is.

Over to Magnus Orbison

on the swingometer.

(HENCH) Peter Niss...

Well, that's just under a twenty percent

swing to the Conservatives.

It's exactly what we predicted at Fairburn.

If it's repeated it'll give the Conservatives

an overall majority of, what, 265?

Ah. Well now the results

are coming in thick and fast.

And here's an interesting result.

Michael Rimmer has held Budleigh Moor

for the Conservatives

with a greatly increased majority.

(# MAIN 'RIMMER' THEME)

(MRS FERRET) He's in. I knew he'd do it!

(FERRET) But only by 17,000.

(HENCH) That's another Conservative gain.

And so, with 435 results in,

we have the news

that the Prime Minister

has conceded defeat.

(TV EXPLODES)

And now it's six-fifteen in

the morning, there's only

the Clitheroe result to come in.

And here it is. After three recounts

Hugh Wilting has retained his seat

with a majority of only five.

That's over 18,000 down

from the last election,

due no doubt to his courageous stand

on the race issue.

So now we leave Election Grandstand

with a new Conservative

Government in office.

And it's thanks to all our experts,

and good night.

(FLOOR MANAGER) Right, that's it, studio.

Wrap it up.

(# CURRENT AFFAIRS THEME)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(ON MONITOR) Luns, here. Doctor Luns.

Er, hello. Hello, London...

This is Stockholm...

(NEWSREADER) The Prime Minister is holding

an emergency Cabinet meeting at Chequers

to discuss what he describes

as the very grave financial situation...

(GENIAL CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER)

Gentlemen.

The Chancellor is bringing

the exact figures

but I do feel that unless

we announce strong measures

there is a grave danger

of another run on the Pound.

I wonder if you would

excuse me a moment?

I have a rather important call to make

to my wife in Zurich...

Gentlemen. I must ask you

as patriots and ministers

not to speculate against the Pound.

(HUTCHISON) Michael. There you are!

Sorry to keep you, Tom. I wanted

to have all the figures.

(HUTCHISON) Good. We've

just been discussing

the appalling mess

we've been left by the Socialists.

(HUTCHISON) We have inherited

a mess, haven't we?

- Oh yes, yes. Yes, we have.

- Good, fine!

In fact, overall, the financial situation

could be described as disastrous.

- Catastrophic!

- 'Hopeless' is another good one.

I think we're all agreed

on the nature of the problem.

Now, Michael. What are your proposals

for dealing with this, er... crisis.

Well, first of all I'd

reduce Income Tax,

reduce Purchase Tax, and increase the

Old Age Pensions.

You must be mad!

Well, I think we ought to honour

our pre-election pledges.

(HUTCHISON) No, no, Michael.

- Nobody expects that of us.

- Hear, hear!

No, the normal routine is to say

that we are all staggered and horrified

and then blame it all on the last lot!

I mean, what are our gold reserves

at the moment?

- Two-and-a-half million.

- God Almighty!

No, seriously, Michael.

What are your proposals?

Well, I've been having a word

with our friends

in Paris and Bonn.

I didn't know we had any friends

in Paris and Bonn.

And I think that while

I'm sort of, sorting things out

it would be best to sit back

and do nothing for a couple of weeks.

Good idea!

Will all those in favour of sitting tight

and doing nothing

for two weeks, raise one arm?

(LAUGHTER)

(HUTCHISON) Carried unanimously!

Thank you, gentlemen.

That's all I want to say to you.

- Goodbye, Prime Minister.

- 'Bye, Michael.

Oh, and I do think

we should try and create

the impression of some activity.

What about a summit?

That would pass the time.

Very good indeed.

And talk about things

in terms of keeping our options open.

(HUTCHISON) Right.

(CHAIRMAN) Jolly good idea. Very good idea.

No comment, gentlemen.

I shall speak on my return. Goodbye.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes