The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #6

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Are we mad? Are we mad?

Are we mad?

Are we?

Have you read this filth?

(INDIFFERENTLY) Yes, I have.

Dreadful, quite dreadful.

Dearie me. Oh, dear.

What are you going to do?

I can't be Home Secretary

in a party that condones racialism.

Don't you worry, Hugh.

I will act

I will act.

In fact, on matters of principle

I am acting the whole time.

Sir Eric is announcing his

resignation this evening.

Yes, Michael's taking his seat

at the General Election.

But that still gives the impression

we're a lot of racialists!

I admire your integrity, Hugh

but you must realise

we must win this election.

(# HUTCHISON BEGINS TO PLAY

LIGHT PIANO PIECE)

And let's face it this won't do us

any harm at all. No harm. At all.

It's no good. I must speak out!

You see, Hugh I don't think Tom wants

another five years in opposition.

I don't care. I won't be muzzled!

(PIANO CONTINUES)

Hello, whitey!

Good evening.

You're trash, man.

(BLOW LANDS)

- I'm on your side!

- I've got rhythm...

I understand your motives.

Now let's discuss this rationally.

Violence breeds... violence!

(WILTING) Cool it, baby!

(PIANO CONTINUES)

(UPPER-CLASS ACCENT) Hello, whitey.

Hello, whitey.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello, whitey.

(WORKING-CLASS ACCENT) 'ello, whitey.

(CONTEMPTUOUSLY) Hello, whitey.

Hello, whitey. Hello, whitey.

Hello, whitey. Hello, whitey.

Hello, whitey. Hello, whitey.

Hello, whitey. Hello, whitey.

(POLICEMAN) Well, sir?

I couldn't swear to it,

but it might just possibly

be the one in the green shirt...

(CHURCH BELLS RING)

(PHOTOGRAPHER) A kiss

Mr Rimmer, sir. Please.

Thank you, sir.

(GUESTS CHATTER EXCITEDLY)

(# ROMANTIC STRING MUSIC)

(MRS CARTWRIGHT)

Bye bye, my darling!

(PAT) Bye!

(PAT) Mummy, put that hankie away

you promised me!

(GUESTS) Bye!

(NISS) Calculating sod!

(PAT) Now, darling. Where's this

super secret surprise honeymoon?

(RIMMER) Have you ever heard of

a little place called Budleigh Moor?

(# ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(PHOTOGRAPHERS) One more,

Mr Rimmer, please, sir.

This way, please.

Thank you.

(RIMMER) Thank you, gentlemen.

That'll be enough.

Thank you.

(BLACKET) Deirdre? Would you say

my career-line

comes to an abrupt halt?

No, no. No need for too much

on the face, dear

I've got most of it left

from this afternoon.

Just, erm, a few drops in the eyes

to get the merry twinkle going!

(LAUGHS)

And, er, could you make the mouth

more generous?

(NISS) Keeping fit?

(PAT) That's about all there is

for me to do around here.

(NISS) Yes, I used to be pretty fit

when I was in the army.

The only trouble was, it made

me so incredibly

...randy.

(PAT) Yes. It does.

Incredibly randy.

Yes, you must be... pretty fit.

How's married life suiting you?

How should I know? I've hardly

seen him since the ceremony.

What about all those lovely pictures

of you together in the papers?

That's about the only time

we've been together

when there's

a photographer around.

(NISS) Yes.

Yes, I must admit there is

a calculating side

to Michael that I find very...

disturbing.

But do you actually

know anything about him?

I mean, where does he come from?

Never talks to me about it.

Just tells me that he was found

in the bulrushes.

(PAT) You can't stand him, can you?

No.

Er, no, no, no nothing like that.

I just don't like to see what

he's doing to you.

What he's not doing to me...

(COUNTRY SOUNDS)

Good evening!

Before you vote next week

I'd like you to remember

that basically, you know, friends,

this election isn't about money

and material things

it's about morality.

The Labour Party's nothing

if it is not a moral crusade.

It's hardly necessary for me

to remind you

what we stand for.

The Labour Party stands for...

(AUTOCUE CLICKS INEFFECTUALLY)

well, er, it stands for, er...

(AUTOCUE IS SWITCHED

OFF AND ON)

well, it stands for...

we stand for, er...

(SHOUTS) Look! I'm not standing

for any more of this!

Look, stop the cameras, get

the bloody man off the autocue!

(FLOOR MANAGER) It's live, sir!

(BLACKET, SHOUTING LOUDER)

Pull your fingers out!

(FLOOR MANAGER) It's a live broadcast, sir.

They can see you...

(BLACKET) What? Oh, oh...

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

(SHOUTS, PANICKING) Oh, oh... dung!

(LOUD CRASH OF EQUIPMENT)

(SHOUTS) I'll sack the lot of you!

Stop it! Stop the bloody thing!

Stop the machine!

Is there nobody in control here?

(HUTCHISON) I must say, Michael, you did

an excellent job with Blacket.

I hope I can continue to do well, sir.

(HUTCHISON) I've been thinking about

the composition of the Government...

(HE GASPS AT THE

COLDNESS OF THE WATER)

and I was trying to work out

where your many talents

would bear most fruit.

Well, as all my experience

has been in financial matters

I thought Chancellor of the Exchequer.

(HUTCHISON) Oh, my dear Michael.

You're not even an MP yet!

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I must say I admire

your directness and drive...

...but you must see that Mandeville

must be in charge of the Exchequer.

Of course, I've always believed

that a man's personal life is his own affair.

What do you mean?

You haven't heard anything, then?

No. What is there to hear?

Well, I hate to spread gossip, and

they're probably faked, in any case.

What are faked?

The photographs I was sent.

Of Mandeville?

...And friends.

But even if they're real, I don't see why

they should affect his efficiency

at the Exchequer.

Do you have these, erm,

photographs with you?

Yes, I thought it better

to hand them over to you

and say no more about it.

God knows where the negatives are.

That's not Mandeville.

The other way up, sir.

Good God! The continental pig!

Good heavens!

Tut, tut!

Keister!

God... I may have to reconsider.

(NEWSPAPER SELLER SHOUTS RAUCOUSLY)

Conservative Shadow Chancellor resigns

without giving his reason.

Surprise appointment

of Tory whizzkid, Michael Rimmer!

The next Conservative Government

will reduce Income Tax,

reduce Purchase Tax

and increase Old Age Pensions.

This I solemnly pledge.

And now, to help you

make up your minds,

here is a chance

to take another look

at the alternative to

a Conservative Government...

(SHOUTS, PANICKING) Oh, dung!

(SCREEN RIPS) (YELLS)

(SHOUTS, PANICKING) Oh, dung!

(SCREEN RIPS) (YELLS)

(SHOUTS, PANICKING) Oh, dung!

(SCREEN RIPS) (YELLS)

(SHOUTS, PANICKING) Oh, dung!

(SCREEN RIPS) (YELLS)

(LOUD CRASH OF EQUIPMENT)

(SHOUTS) I'll sack the lot of you!

Stop it! Stop the bloody thing!

It was clever of Michael

to have thought of that.

Now.

What would be good, now

Oh, yes. Bed.

B... E... D... 'BED'.

That's eight to you,

and I'll make 'LOYALTY'.

(NISS) Loyalty?

That is a good word.

That's a very good word.

Er, that's fifteen to you.

What can I do with my...

with my 'X'?

Oh, yes. I can...

I can make 'SEX'

with the S of 'BEDS'.

And I can add U... A... L...

Five more to me.

Yes, but you don't know what

you've let yourself in for

you see, I can use your

'LOYALTY' to make...

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