The Romantics Page #2

want about love and loyalty

and all that other sh*t,

but the important thing is...

if she doesn't

make your wiener hard...

...forget it! Forget it all!

What are you doing?

What are you doing? No, I...

Let's face it.

My sister is perfect.

Everyone here knows it.

If you're a chick, you've spent

your life fighting the urge

to kill her in her sleep.

If you're a guy, you've spent your life

trying to sleep with her.

- Admit it, Jake. Admit it.

- You admit it.

Don't worry, Weesie,

he never got anywhere.

Mom...

...Dad.

I know it's been hard

to embrace the new in-laws.

But don't worry.

We only have to spend Christmas

and Thanksgiving with them...

...every year for the rest of our lives.

Wait... do lrish people

celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah?

''The lovely Lila sat on a wall

When she saw Tom McDevon,

her heart had a fall

He rode in on his horse

and picked up the pieces

Until that day,

she had felt like feces.''

As everybody knows, Tom is

unmatched in the swimming pool.

As everyone also knows,

Tom is unmatched on the tennis court.

But I don't think enough is said

about what a truly kind

and generous man Tom really is.

Many of you may not know this,

but I was only point two seconds

behind Tom McDevon

in the breast stroke,

our personal favorite stroke.

''Athletic and smart,

kind and charming,

Tom McDevon was

one disarming... dude.''

So I was like, ''Jake, where's Tom?''

He's like, ''I don't know.''

And I was like, ''Pete, where's Tom?''

He's like, ''I don't know.''

And we were just like...

But nobody knew where he was.

And I still maintain that

he put rufies in my Gatorade...

...and touched me

inappropriately under the water.

That was me.

- That was you?

- Such a good story.

I love that one, so...

But, OK, so one more...

Here's to that lucky lady,

here's to Tom.

I love you both, and...

''And should that egg meet

a sperm and turn into a baby,

count on me as a sitter.

I will always say, 'maybe'.''

Cheers.

Lila...

...is...

...graced with beauty and...

...intelligence and...

...determination.

Lila and I were roommates in college.

I was from the Midwest,

she was from the East Coast.

My first memory is...

...we were both on Old Campus

in line for our college lDs

and freshmen...

And all of a sudden,

this stranger comes up to me and says:

''You know we're gonna have these lDs

for the rest of the year, right?''

And, I said, ''Yes.'' And she goes,

''Well, didn't you bring your makeup?''

So, when she painted me up

with Lancome's best, I...

I knew we were gonna be...

...good friends.

And, yet, it was touch and go at first,

but we realized that our differences

made us stronger, you know? We...

We got the nickname ''La-la''

because we loved each other.

And we loved our friends.

Our friends got the nickname,

''The Romantics.''

Because of our

incestuous dating history.

We were just...

...in love with each other.

Because that's what friends do.

They...

...they fall in love with each other.

And...

...then they fall out of love and...

...they fall back in love and

this happens over and over again

for the rest of their lives.

The fact that Tom and Laura...

The fact that...

Tom and Lila found each other is...

...exceptional because they're both...

...exceptional people.

And I wish them all

of the joy in the world.

To their glittering future.

Hear, hear. Glittering future.

Did I seem nervous?

No.

No.

- You were great.

- You were really... great.

Wait! Lila!

You didn't think you could

escape that easy, did ya?

Come on, Lila,

just stay for one more drink.

No, I need hours,

maybe days of silence.

Boring.

But, I'll see you guys

at midnight, right?

Remember?

You guys said

you'd come tuck me in?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

- Remind the others, OK?

- OK.

See ya at midnight.

Hey, do you have any of those,

like, tropical umbrellas...

...I can put in...?

For like a...

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's free, it's open...

- It's open bar.

- Nothing's free.

Hey!

Hey, come back here!

Come back here, you kids!

Oh, my God!

Movement to go skinny dipping!

- Would you stop it?

- You always do that!

I guarantee he wants to see one more

piece of ass before his wedding day!

I think he got his fill

at the bachelor party!

OK, yeah, yeah. That's right.

I spent half the night trying to pull

your ass out of the champagne room.

Yeah, no... Explain that to her!

Tell me right now,

do I need to divorce my husband?

- You're a p*ssy.

- Sadly, no.

No, none of the strippers

would have him.

God knows I tried.

You dirty rat!

Get outta here!

You got my suit all wet!

He can't run for sh*t!

Come on, guys.

Hey.

I liked your speech.

- Thank you.

- I did. It was good.

You were a little nervous,

but it was good.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

It was necessary.

Yeah, it was for the best.

You know what?

It was easier than

I thought it was gonna be.

Really?

Really, because I thought it was...

I thought it was harder than I...

It was harder than

I thought it was gonna be.

So you miss me?

Not for a second.

Mom?

It's me.

Hi.

Something wrong?

Just nervous, I guess.

What are you nervous about?

You know... nothing.

Everything.

I'm nervous Mom's gonna

go psycho after the wedding.

You know how she gets

when she finishes a project,

all up in your grill and sh*t.

''Up in your grill and sh*t?''

I just don't want the attention,

I guess.

I think you'll be spared.

What about you?

Are you nervous?

I'm terrified.

You are?

- Yep. To the bone.

- About what?

I'm not sure...

Tom can...

I'm...

I'm not sure Tom...

I'm not sure Tom is...

Not sure Tom is what?

I'm... I'm just not...

...sure.

Does he make you feel beautiful?

Yes.

- Does he make you feel safe?

- Most of the time.

- Does he make you feel special?

- Don't be a dork.

You know...

...like you're his

most interesting person.

Yes, yes. He does.

You know what?

This is... this is dumb.

Let's just forget it.

OK, OK, OK, OK!

- OK, OK.

- I say we vote on

who had the best toast of the night.

- And I'm gonna say... me.

- No!

- What?!

- Me.

Chip won. And Grandpa McDevon

came in second.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

All right, guys. I'm going in.

- Do it! Who's coming with me?

- Yeah!

It's freezing, baby.

- Yeah?

- Go masturbate in your room, Chip.

Oh, come on. Have some respect!

This is our host.

Keep your clothes on. You big slut.

Hey, Tom, you didn't

make a speech tonight.

Yeah, dude, you've

been suspiciously quiet.

- Are you scared of Augusta?

- No, I was just having too much fun

watching you guys

make asses of yourself.

Yeah.

Well, how about giving one now?

Yeah!

- Speech, speech...

- All right.

I'll give you a speech.

All right!

I'll give a speech. OK...

- This better not suck.

- I'm gonna get on my stage over here.

Right here. OK... All right.

You want a speech?

I'll give you a speech.

- Speech!

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