The Room Page #5

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They both chuckle.

Mike:
So I come back to get it, I pretend that I need a book, you know, I’m like looking for my book, and then I reach and put the underwear in my pocket, sort of slide out real quick. Well Claudette, she saw it sticking out of my pocket, so she pulls it out, and she’s, uh, showing everybody me underwears.

Johnny:
You must be kidding. Underwear, I got the picture.

Mike:
Yeah, I dunno what…

Johnny:
That’s life.

Mike:
Nah.

Johnny:
Yeah.

Denny enters, with a football.

Denny:
Hey Johnny! Hey Mike!

Johnny:
Oh hey, Denny.

Denny:
Do you want to play some football?

Mike:
I gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.

Denny:
Oh, pshhh, come on!

Johnny:
Come on, it’s good for you, come on.

Mike:
Alright, whatever, whatever.

Johnny:
Let’s go for it.

Mike:
I’m going out.

They proceed to toss the football around in close quarters, like you do.

Mike:
Yeah, sorry you had to see that.

Denny:
I’m not sorry! (gibberish) Studying, right? (more gibberish) I don’t study like that.

Johnny:
He doesn’t.

Mark enters.

Mark:
Hey, Denny, what’s up?

Denny:
Hey, what’s up, Mark?

Johnny:
Hi Mark.

Denny:
Catch it, come on, man.

Mike:
Not much.

Denny:
He’s just telling us about an underwear issue he had.

Mike:
No, don’t…

Mark:
Underwear? What’s that?

Mike:
It’s embarrassing, man, I don’t want to get into it.

Mark:
Underwear? Man, come on…

Mark inexplicably shoves Mike into a trashcan.

Mike:
Oh, God!

Denny:
You okay? Are you okay?

Mike:
Yeah, I’m fine!

Denny:
Are you sure?

Mike:
Yeah, uh-huh.

Denny:
Do you need to see a doctor?

Mike:
No, no, I’m tough. I’m good, I’m alright, I’m fine.

Johnny:
Mark, why don’t you take him home? And Mike, listen, if you need anything, call me anytime, alright? Are you alright?

Mike:
Yeah.

Denny:
See you guys.

Mark and Mike exit

Johnny:
Let’s go home, Denny.

Denny and Johnny exit with the football.

Cut to the room, which Claudette and Lisa are entering.

Lisa:
You look really tired today, mom. Are you feeling okay?

Claudette:
I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Lisa:
Why not?

Claudette:
You remember my friend Shirley Hamilton?

Lisa:
Uh-huh.

Claudette:
She wants to buy a new house, and so I asked Johnny if he could help her with the down payment. All he can tell me is it’s an awkward situation. I expected your husband to be a little more generous.

Lisa:
He’s not my husband.

Claudette:
I know, but Johnny is part of our family.

Lisa:
Mom, I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him. I had sex with someone else.

Claudette:
You can’t be serious.

We see that Johnny is listening from the staircase.

Lisa:
You don’t understand.

Claudette:
Who? Who is it?

Lisa:
I don’t want to talk about it.

Claudette:
You don’t want to talk about it. Then why did you bring it up in the first place?

Lisa:
I don’t know.

Claudette:
You don’t know. If you think I’m tired today, wait till you see me tomorrow.

Lisa:
Are you coming to the party?

Claudette:
Sure. I suppose so.

They exit.

Johnny:
How can they say this about me? I don’t believe it. I show them. I will record everything.

Johnny descends the staircase and tediously installs a primitive tape recorder under the phone, then exits upstairs.

Cut to the room, where Johnny and Peter are talking.

Johnny:
I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?

Peter:
(laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?

Johnny:
They never say what they mean, and they always play games.

Peter:
Okay… um… what do you mean?

Johnny:
I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um, I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact I know she isn’t.

Peter:
Lisa? Are you sure?

Johnny:
Yeah I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?

Peter:
This is Lisa we’re talking about?

Johnny:
Yeah.

Peter:
I don’t know what to say.

Johnny:
But you’re a psychologist. Do you have some advice?

Peter:
It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.

Johnny:
I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say: “love is blind.”

Peter:
You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.

The doorbell rings.

Peter:
Did you hear the door?

Johnny:
Yeah. (answers the door) Oh hi, Mark. Come in.

Mark enters.

Mark:
Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!

Johnny:
We’re just talking about women.

Mark:
(long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. Ahhh. I have a girl. She’s married, I mean she’s very attractive, it’s driving me crazy.

Peter:
Why didn’t you mention this before? Is it anyone I know?

Mark:
Nah man, you don’t know her.

Johnny:
Can I meet her?

Mark:
I don’t think so. It’s an awkward situation.

Johnny:
You mean she’s too old, or you think I will take her away from you? Hunh?

Peter:
(laughs)

Mark:
(laughs) No.

Johnny:
I have my own problems.

Peter:
Tell me about your problems, Johnny.

Johnny:
Peter, you always play psychologist with us!

Peter:
Look, I’m just your friend, and I’m just worried about you.

Johnny:
Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.

Peter:
You never really know. I mean, look, you should tell her about your feelings, okay? You shouldn’t hide them. You two have been together forever. You can work out anything as long as you talk about it.

Johnny:
Not always!

Peter:
People are people. Sometimes they just can’t see their own faults.

Mark:
Hey, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.

Peter:
Look. You should tell her the truth. I mean you’re doing this for your girl, right?

Johnny:
You’re right, Peter. Ha-ha. Is she getting a divorce, Mark?

Mark:
(laughs) You guys are too much. Hey are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?

Johnny:
I am, sure.

Peter:
I’m not doing it this year.

Johnny:
Ha-ha-ha, chicken, Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeeee!

Peter:
Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s too many weirdos there.

Johnny:
(incomprehensible gibberish) I don’t mind. Mark, do you remember the one with big tits, the blondie one?

Mark:
How about the one with the bridal gown with the sign?

Johnny:
Ha-ha yeah, “can you marry me?”, ha-ha, I thought I would take her up on it, ha-ha.

Mark:
I never ate so much.

Johnny:
Yeah, the barbecue chicken was delicious, rice, that was cool.

Peter:
You guys proved my point. You’re both weird. You guys want to play cards?

Johnny:
No we can’t. I expect Lisa any minute.

Mark:
Hey come on, man, who’s the king of the house?

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