The Rules of Attraction Page #6

She chugs my cock, which is good.

Went shopping. I think she gave me mono.

Drove a Ferrari, made out with a Dutch model.

Almost became roadkill crossing the street.

Oakie invites me to Dublin so l catch

a flight. He lets me spin discs with him.

Irish girls are as small as leprechauns.

One strips for me in the bathroom of a club.

I steal some stout at the Guinness factory.

I fly to Barcelona.

Too many fat American students.

Dropped acid at the Sagrada Familia,

which was a trip.

Cruised up the coast, but had no more acid.

Some girl rings me

so I let her listen to the church bells.

It was beautiful, but there are no girls there

so I went to Switzerland.

Took the Glacier Express,

which was beautiful.

Euro Pass to Venice, where I met a hot girl

who speaks better English than I do.

She's living on $5 a day.

My hotel room costs more for one night

than she's spending her entire trip.

I ditch her and hook up with a couple

who want a threesome.

Too much tension,

but they offer to drive me to Rome.

Traffic is bad. The wife turns out to be

a freak, the guy starts to wig out on me.

We stop in Florence, a bomb goes off

and I lose the weird couple.

Ended up in Rome. Just like LA, but with ruins.

I went to the Vatican, stood for two hours

to get into the Sistine Chapel, which looks fake.

I meet two underage Italian girls who I try

to talk into f***ing each other while I jack off.

I work out. I meet some guy who says

he knows me. He's a fag so I lose him.

I try to fart and instead sh*t my pants.

Back in my hotel room, I masturbate.

That night I dream about a beautiful girl

half in water, stretching her lean body.

I wake well rested

and masturbate in the shower.

I go back to London

and hang out in Piccadilly Circus.

I swap shirts with a Cambridge chick.

Hers was an Agns B, mine a Chanel.

She acts prudish, but is really wild.

She barely looks at my abs.

I drop some acid and get lost in the subway.

I meet a girl who lets me jack off on her

as long as no come gets on her coat.

We get stoned listening to Michael Jackson

and next morning I wake up talking to myself.

I barely make my plane back to the US.

I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

- Then I ended up back here.

- I am so there when school is out!

- You don't even know!

- No, I do know.

You don't know until you do know

and you have to go there to know.

- Still f***ing that girl from Hawaii? Page?

- No, I gave up on that sh*t.

She had issues. I moved on to this chick

named Candice. She's great.

- Does she f*** like a racehorse?

- Yeah! You know it, brother!

- I met a girl.

- Did you score some hot poon?

It's not about that.

No, it's about...

It's about good times and cuddling up [!]

She's a fag hag, right? It's cool

because they're fun and they like to dance!

I tell you, Victor,

I think I'm in love with this girl.

She's sweet...she's pure...she's innocent.

She's a virgin.

- How young is she?

- Is she out of the car seat onto my meat?

If she's bleedin', I'm breedin'!

If there's grass in the field...play ball!

- Old enough to pee, old enough for me!

- Yeah.

- Ow!

- Bateman. Bateman, what's up, man?

You got any Tutankhamen?

- How much do you want?

- Three grams.

- I don't f***ing trust you.

- Tough sh*t.

- Well, take Mitchell with you, then.

- What?!

All right. We take your car and I drive.

I...I...

[SEAN CHUCKLES]

- Go with him, b*tch.

- F***er. Ow!

I want change. Bring Daddy back change.

Hey, keep your eyes on the road!

- Bitchin' ride! You pick the colour?

- Yeah. Don't crash it.

I didn't realise it came in banana.

- Relax.

- Oh, right, relax [!]

While my car is used to run a drug deal,

I'll just relax [!]

I don't give a f*** if we do this deal or not,

but your girlfriend needs her nose candy

or she won't f*** you.

I have my terms and, if you don't live up to them,

you get no p*ssy. Deal with it.

- Here.

- Uh...it looks kinda dark.

- Maybe nobody's home.

- Rupert doesn't leave home.

- I'm gonna wait in the car.

- Rupert's cool.

- I-I don't wanna go in.

- Just come in. Let's get this over with.

[DOGS BARKING]

[RINGS BELL]

Who that? Blouse and skirt!

Sean, are you that man?

Just the man we're looking to see tonight.

Come in out of the cold, man.

Sean, Sean, Sean, welcome, bubba.

You college boys look nice and sweet and sexy!

Rupert's in the kitchen.

Rupert...extra chicken in the coop.

- Sean, who's your friend?

- This is Mitch.

- Mitch.

- Hi.

- You a cop, Mitch?

- No.

- Does he look like a cop?

- How the f*** should I know?!

Unless he's got a crack pipe,

I gotta assume he's "21 Jump Street".

I'm not "21 Jump Street", whatever that is.

It's where Richard Grieco and Johnny Depp

got their start, man!

- You can bet the boy is not a cop, man.

- Obviously.

- What can I do you boys for?

- Came by for some stuff.

Did you, now?

Where's my money, goddammit, Bateman?

Don't act crazy. Me and Mitch just came by

to pick up a couple of grams.

What the f***'s this, huh?

$300? You owe me $3,000, a**hole!

Where's my f***ing money?

- Oh, hey, wait a minute, wait.

- I-I'm gonna wait in the car.

- Wait...

- For what?! You owe me f***ing money!

Listen...

..he's got it.

I don't know what's going on!

I came for some blow, man!

- Give Rupert his money.

- What the f*** are you talking about?!

- Give Rupert his money!

- I'll wait in the f***ing car!

- Hey, boy, don't better f*** with us!

- This is absolute sh*t!

I-I don't know what you're talking about!

No, wait, this guy...

Do...Do you really have it, huh?

- I don't... This guy...

- You owe me some f***ing money!

- Would you f***ing tell him?!

- OK.

He doesn't have it.

- What you got for me? You got something.

- I have this.

Back the f*** off!

[MITCHELL SCREAMS]

[MITCHELL SOBS HYSTERICALLY]

- Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Let me in! I have the keys! Let me in!

F***!

Are you crazy?!

Define crazy.

- Wasn't that fun?

- F*** you! You're a f***ing a**hole!

- Why don't you do something about it?

- Get out of my car! Gimme my key!

Come on, come on. I know you want to.

F*** you! Just get outta my f***ing car!

Get outta my f***ing car, you piece of sh*t!

- Get out!

- Yahhhhhhhhhh!

Get outta my car!

F***ing a**hole!

Mitchell...you're a p*ssy.

[SCREAMS] A**hole!

F***ing spit in my car!

F***!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I don't know how to speak to you,

I don't know how...

[KNOCK]

What?!

Ooh!

I have good news.

- What?

- Victor's back from Europe.

Really?

Really?! Sh*t!

Lauren. Wait.

- Hey, wait, Lauren.

- Oh, my God!

- Can't we talk?

- No!

Lauren, don't walk... Hey!

I really did try to kill myself...just before I faked it.

Wow. Sean, it's over.

- No, it's not!

- Yeah, it is. I'm in love with somebody else.

- Who?

- Victor. It's none of your f***ing business!

F***ing... F***ing Victor?

Yeah.

Then why the f*** are you writing me letters?

Wow.

Deal with it, Sean, it's over. Rock 'n' roll.

Lauren, I wanna know you.

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