The Santa Clause Page #3

Because Santa is watchin' | his saturated fats.

- How come you don't have a beard? | - Because I shaved!

Do you want this doll or not? | Go back to sleep.

You're supposed | to drink the milk.

Look, I am | lactose intolerant.

And I am just about this close | to taking all those presents | back up the chimney with me.

"Supposed to drink the milk."

Shut your eyes.

Yo!

How do you get in | without a fireplace?

I don't know. | One just kind of appeared.

Awesome!

Oh, boy!

Charlie, look at the clouds over here. | Aren't they pret--

Charlie!

All right. | Mornin', fellas.

Mornin', sport. | We're done, Comet. Ho-ho-ho.

Back to the house.

Merry Christmas to all | and to all a good night.

When I wake up, | I'm gettin' a CAT scan!

- Is this okay, Dad? | - No, it's not okay!

Hey, does this look like home | to you guys?

No, no, no, no, no! | Hey, hey, hey!

Where you goin'? | Come back here! Aww!

In the silence of the night

- When the snow | - Hey, hey!

- Lies soft and still | - Hey, buddy!

- You, sir! Hey! | - You can see a magic light

And hear the ring | of Christmas bells

- Can you hear me? | - Though the night seems long and dark

- It is the earth | - What's that?

- Just gone to sleep | - I don't know.

- I think it's the North Pole. | - The stars that dot

- That's the North Pole? | - The sky above

- Hey, buddy, we need some help. | - Hold you in

- Hello! | - Their precious keep

- What are you doing? | - So close your eyes and come with me

The Christmas bells | will bring you home

Hey, look! | Here comes the new Santa!

And now with song | we fill the night

While magic dances | in the light

To wish you now | and all the year

The joy that comes | with Christmas cheer

- Sit back. | - Hear our voices fill the air

To drive the | winter's cold away

And so our hearts | with all will share

The love that comes | with Christmas day

The love that comes | with Christmas day

The Christmas bells | will bring you home

- Where are all the grown-ups? | - This is so cool.

Stay here.

Hey, kid, kid. | Kid, who's in charge here?

You are. And I'm not a kid. I've | pointy shoes that are older than you.

I'm an elf.

Uh, you guys, or you girls-- | Who gives the orders? Who's your boss?

- You are. | - No, no, no. Uh--

- W-Who's the head elf? | - You are.

Hey! Who's causin' all | the trouble around here?

- He is. | - She is.

Excuse me. Are we | on a coffee break?

-We don't drink coffee. | -Then I guess the break is over!

Back to work. Thanks.

Take it easy on her, will ya? | Who are you?

I'm Bernard. | Nice to meet ya, Santa.

I'm not Santa! I've had a rough night. | There's been dogs barkin', | guns goin' off.

Look, my back's killin' me. | Have you ever tried to shove | a sea kayak down a chimney?

- I'm tired of this small talk. | - Hmm?

The other Santa | disappeared, right?

Wait a minute. | Hey, I know where this is goin'.

It wasn't my fault. | The other guy fell. It was an accident.

I've got homeowner's insurance | and a good attorney.

Not as good as my wife's, | but let's not open up that wound.

Hold it a minute. | Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

How did you know | the other guy was gone?

- Can I get you a drink? | - No, I don't want a drink.

I'm thirsty and hungry too.

Charlie, I thought I told you | to stay in the sleigh.

-Who's this? | -This-- This is my son, Charlie.

I'm sorry. Charlie, | this is Buh, Beh, Beh--

- Bernard. | - Bernard.

- Hi, Bernard. | - Hiya, sport.

- Hey, Dad, he called me "sport" | just like you. | - Wonderful.

Hey, you know what. | I got somethin' for you.

Okay, now hold out | your hand, all right?

Now, be very careful. | This is very old, just like me.

Shake it up, Charlie.

Wow.

Why don't you, uh, hold onto it | for me for a while.

- It might come in handy. | - Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I promise I'll take | real good care of it.

- Make sure you do. | - I will.

Hey, Dad, look!

Huh. Fabulous ball.

- Hey, Barabbas. | - Bernard!

Bernard. Can we take a direct | flight back to reality, or do we | have to change planes in Denver?

Uh, Larry, take Charlie here | and get him some chow.

- No, Larry, don't do that. Charlie! | - He'll be okay.

Follow me. You'll want to | get out of those clothes.

I-- Uh-- No, look, Barnaby, | I just wanna go home.

Look, I am not Santa Claus! | Ahh!

Did you or did you not | read the card?

- Yeah, I read the card. | - Then you're the new Santa.

In putting on the hat and jacket | you accepted the contract.

- What contract? | - The card in the Santa suit. | You said you read it, right?

So when you put on the suit, | you fell subject to the Santa Clause.

- Here. | - The Santa Claus?

Oh, you mean the guy | that fell off my roof?

No, no, no, not Santa Claus, the person. | Santa Clause, the clause.

What?

- Look, you're-- | you're a businessman, right? | - Yeah.

Okay. A clause, | as in the last line of a contract.

- You got the card? | - Oh!

Okay, look.

The Santa Clause: | "ln putting on this suit | and entering the sleigh...

"the wearer waives any and all rights to | any previous identity, real or implied,

"and fully accepts the duties | and responsibilities of Santa Claus...

"in perpetuity until such time | that wearer becomes unable to do so...

by either accident or design."

- What does that mean? | - It means you put on the suit, | you're the big guy.

- That's ridiculous. | I didn't put on the suit just to-- | - Try to understand this!

Oo-oo-ooh!

Let me explain | something to you, okay?

Toys have to be delivered. I'm not gonna | do it. It's not my job. I'm just an elf.

It's Santa's job, but Santa | fell off a roof, your roof.

You read the card, you put on the suit. | That clearly falls under | the Santa Clause.

- So now you're Santa, okay? | - A question.

- What? | - When can I get outta here?

- Dad, you gotta see this place. | - You leave tomorrow morning.

You have 11 months | to get your affairs in order, | and you're due back here Thanksgiving.

- I'm not comin' back here | on Thanksgiving. | - I'll ship the list to your house.

- What list? | - Come on, now. The list.

- He's makin' a list | - Checkin' it twice

Gonna find out | who's naughty or nice

Look, you put a "P" | next to the kids who are nice | and a "C" next to the naughty ones.

- "P" and "C"? | - Yeah. "P" for present, | "C" for coal, right, Bernard?

- Right. | - Wait a minute. | How do I know who's good and bad?

- You'll know. | - What if I don't want to do this?

-Don't even kid about a thing like that. | -Why not?

What if I don't | buy into this Santa Clause thing? | What if I choose not to believe it?

Then there would be millions of | disappointed children around the world.

You see, children hold the spirit | of Christmas within their hearts.

You wouldn't want to be responsible | for killing the spirit of Christmas,

now, would you, Santa?

Judy will take you to your room. Get out | of the suit. It needs to be cleaned.

- And taken in. | - Then get some sleep.

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