The Sasquatch Gang Page #8

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Sophie.

Sophie.

Sophie, can you hear me?

Wake up, Sophie.

Sophie, wake up.

Come on, we better go

get some help.

Wait, I'm gonna try

one more thing.

Gavin?

Sophie?

Did you just kiss me?

Yeah.

How was it?

It was--it was totally rad.

I wish I could remember it.

Could I get a little wine

With all this cheese?

Shut up, Hobie.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, my head

hurts a little,

but I think I'm okay.

What happened?

Oh, me and Hobie gave them

a serious beat down.

Wait, Hobie,

How'd you get here?

Well, I figured when you guys

found the tracks destroyed,

you might need some help

getting your video back

from Shane.

So I grabbed some weapons,

and I came on up.

No big deal.

So you destroyed

the tracks?

Yeah. Sorry.

You're not gonna tell anyone,

are you?

Of course not.

I'm just glad you came.

Should've paid more attention

instead of leaving you out

when we found the tracks,

you know?

I didn't mean to.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I was being kind of

a butt face too.

Come on. Over here.

Well, what's

all this, then?

Oh, nothing.

It's just--

Well, it's just two friends

overcoming their differences.

W-wait a second.

Hobie, when's the last time

you showered?

What are you talking about?

I shower every day.

No, you don't.

Sometimes you don't shower

for weeks.

Whatever.

This is not the time

or place

to talk

about your friend's hygiene.

Yes, besides, what does that

have to do with anything?

Well, he's the one

that fell on the poo.

Really, we may have

never found the tracks

if it wasn't

for my friend Hobie here.

I mean, he tripped and hit

his head in the Sasquatch poo,

and I still think there's some

stuck in his hair.

Look, yeah.

Right here, see?

Be still, my boy.

If these are real droppings,

I'll know.

Sick.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is genuine Sasquatch feces.

Congratulations,

you have a find.

Yes, yes!

I knew it.

You have a find!

A find!

Yeah.

Now, son, I thought you said

your friends were attacked?

We were attacked.

Gavin and I were able

to fend them off.

Took off down that way.

Who were they?

It was Shane Bagwell

and his atrocious friends.

Oh, that little brat's

my nephew.

I'll take care of him.

Hey, everybody,

let's go get some

of Grandma Lloyd's

apple dumplings.

Yeah!

Let's go. Come on.

What a beautiful day.

Can you guys believe

summer's almost over?

Yeah.

Hey, don't you start school

on Monday, Maynard?

Yep.

Did you get all the classes

you wanted down at the CCCC?

I'm only gonna take

two computer classes, though.

What are you doing, Hobie?

I was thinking of going

to Massage Therapy School.

Yeah, then I could go

to Hollywood

and become

an on-set masseuse,

meet all the famous stars,

and eventually

become famous myself...

or just stick around town.

It's a big dream, Hobie.

Hey, guys, I thought

you wanted to sword fight.

You're just sitting there.

Sophie?

Wow, you look amazing.

Thanks.

Your mouth.

Yeah, I decided I didn't really

need to lose that much weight.

I kind of like myself

the way I am, you know?

Me too.

So now you can talk and junk?

That's not all I can do.

# so I think

that you should go. #

Ooh, kissy, kissy.

Shut up, Hobie.

Whoa, what's that?

It's my battle ax.

Cool.

I made myself a shield too

so I wouldn't get hit so much.

Hey, what are you

gonna name your ax?

The Berserker.

Sweet.

Come on, guys.

Who wants to start first?

I do.

Get out of the way.

Prepare to meet

your doom, Maynards.

Come on.

# go, go, go, go, go. #

# you restless souls,

you're gonna find it. #

# go, go, go, go, go. #

# you restless souls,

you're gonna find it. #

Open number five.

Apparently we have no evidence

of any wrongdoing,

so you can go.

Told you I didn't do nothing,

stupid piece of crap.

You know

what your problem is, Zerk?

You can't seem

to go 20 minutes

without saying

or doing something stupid.

Now get out of here.

Check you later, Miggs.

Free.

I swear, man, I'm gonna get me

a lawyer and sue them

for wrongful imprisonment, man.

Sucks.

So lay it on me, man.

Tell me the good news.

Are we rich?

Well, the first one sold

for $400.

Yes, Scooby Dooby Doo.

What about the rest?

Well, no one

bid on the other ones.

What are you talking

about, dude?

Well, there's, like,

30 different people

selling so-called authentic

Clackanomah County

bigfoot casts

now that Snodgrass

declared it's a real find.

This is unbelievable, man.

People profiting

from our hard work.

I mean, this is America.

That ain't supposed to happen.

It's not freaking China

or whatever.

Idiots.

I don't want to cry, man.

What are we gonna do now?

That guy's coming on Monday.

We only sold one

for 400 bucks.

Well, did you know

that it only cost $300

to enter the Demolition Derby

this Saturday?

I mean,

they're gonna take the car

no matter what, right?

And if you win,

you get 5,000 bucks.

You might as well.

Plus, with all

this car's speed,

you'll probably

never even get hit.

You've got nothing to lose.

Shirts,

you're a dang genius, man.

# it's not the right time

to be sober. #

# now the idiots

have taken over, #

# spreading like

a social cancer. #

# is there an answer? #

# Mensa membership conceding. #

# tell me why and how are all

the stupid people breeding? #

# Watson,

it's really elementary. #

# the industrial revolution #

# has flipped the b*tch

on evolution. #

# the benevolent and wise #

# are being thwarted,

ostracized. #

# what a bummer. #

# the world

keeps getting dumber. #

# insensitivity is standard, #

# and faith is being fancied

over reason. #

# Darwin's rolling over

in his coffin. #

# the fittest are surviving

much less often. #

# now everything

seems to be reversing, #

# and it's worsening. #

# someone flopped a steamer

in the gene pool. #

# now angry mob mentality's

no longer the exception; #

# it's the rule. #

# and I'm starting to feel

a lot like Charlton Heston #

# stranded

on a primate planet, #

# apes and orangutans

that ran it to the ground, #

# with generals and the armies

that obeyed them, #

# followers following fables, #

# philosophies that enabled them

to rule without regard. #

# there's no point

for democracy #

# when ignorance

is celebrated. #

# political scientists

get the same one vote #

# as some Arkansas inbred. #

# majority rule don't work

in mental institutions. #

# sometimes the smallest,

softest voice #

# carries the grand,

biggest solutions. #

# what are we left with? #

# a nation of god-fearing

pregnant nationalists #

# who feel it's their duty

to populate the homeland, #

# pass on traditions, #

# how to get ahead religions, #

# and prosperity

via simpleton culture. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

# the idiots are taking over. #

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