The Seven Year Itch Page #3

You came. I'm so glad.

- Rachmaninoff.

- The Second Piano Concerto.

- It isn't fair.

- Not fair? Why?

- Every time I hear it, I go to pieces.

- Oh?

May I sit next to you?

Please do.

It shakes me, it quakes me.

It makes me goose-pimply all over.

I don't know where I am,

or who I am, or what I'm doing.

Don't stop, don't stop.

Don't ever stop.

- Why did you stop?

- You know why I stopped.

- Why?

- Because.

Because now I'm going to kiss you...

...very quickly and very hard.

One moment, my dear.

You came.

Yeah, I came for the rugs.

The rugs? What is it you want?

The bedroom rugs.

I promised Mrs. Sherman.

Mr. Kruhulik--

- It's on account of the moths.

- Forget the rugs.

Your wife is gonna find them

full of big, gaping holes.

Who'll get blamed? The janitor.

Pick them up tomorrow

while I'm at the office.

I can't. I'm taking the missus

and the kids to the train.

- They're going to the country.

- All right, in the afternoon then.

I can't do it then. I'm going

to the barber in the afternoon.

I'm gonna take a shave,

haircut, manicure, the whole works.

I couldn't care less.

Come tomorrow evening, just not now.

Tomorrow evening?

Do you know the maid from 531 Park?

You must've seen her walking

down the street with her fat poodle.

What?

Come now, we're both summer bachelors.

Don't let's be naive.

Good night, Mr. Kruhulik!

Big, fat poodle! He's got four kids.

Something happens to people

in the summer. It's disgraceful.

It's late. Where is she?

This is ridiculous.

She could've been here,

had her drink and gone home already.

Ice, we'll need ice.

Coming!

Coming, coming!

Hi!

It's me. Don't you remember?

The tomato from upstairs.

Of course, the tomato.

Come in, please.

Honestly, I don't know

how it happened.

I was watering the plants.

I promised the Kaufmans I would.

I was using the cocktail shaker.

It's the only thing I found.

A little silver one.

Then there was this terrible crash.

You could've been killed.

It's probably criminal negligence.

You could've sued somebody.

Me, probably.

Well, not you. You'd have been dead.

Your lawyers could have.

Case dismissed.

What would you like to drink?

I don't know. Anything.

You have a nice place here.

- You live here alone?

- Yes, I live here alone. All alone.

- It's a roller skate. Mine, you know.

- Yours?

It's adjustable. I skate a lot.

What would you like to drink?

- You do drink?

- Sure, I drink like a fish.

- Do you have gin?

- Of course. You mean straight gin?

No, gin and soda, I guess.

- Gin and soda?

- That's wrong. How do you drink gin?

There's gin and tonic, and gin

and vermouth, that's a martini.

That sounds cool. I'll have a glass

of that. A big, tall one.

Big, tall martini.

This is a nicer apartment

than the Kaufmans'.

For instance,

the Kaufmans have no stairs.

- Hey, where do they lead to?

- No place.

No place? A stairway to nowhere.

That's elegant.

I wouldn't say elegant.

You see, this used to be a duplex.

The landlord made two apartments

out of it by boarding up your floor.

Oh, yes, I remember that patch

in the floor.

I dropped my cuticle pusher

down the crack.

Cuticle pusher. Yeah.

Well, here you are. Big, tall martini.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

Very good.

Maybe it needs a bit more sugar.

I'd strongly advise against

putting sugar in a martini.

- You would? Why?

- Well...

Take my word for it.

No sugar in a martini.

Back home they put sugar in martinis.

- Back home? Where?

- Denver, Colorado.

Hey, you've got air conditioning!

- How does it work? Put it on.

- Sure!

I got air conditioning in every room.

Don't the Kaufmans?

No, it's just terrible up there.

That's why I bought the electric fan.

This feels just elegant.

I'm just not made for the heat.

It's my first summer in New York,

and it's killing me.

Yesterday,

I tried to sleep in the bathtub.

Just lying up to my neck

in cold water.

Good idea.

But the faucet kept dripping.

It was keeping me awake.

You know what I did?

I pushed my big toe up the faucet.

They call that American know-how.

Then my toe got stuck

and I couldn't get it out again.

You couldn't?

But there's a phone in the bathroom.

I was able to call the plumber.

You called him?

He was very nice,

even though it was Sunday.

He rushed right over.

Everything come out okay?

- Sure. But it was embarrassing.

- I can see how it might've been.

Honestly, I almost died.

There I was with a strange plumber...

...and no polish on my toenails.

- You got a cigarette around?

- A cigarette? Sure.

Coming UP-

- Here you are.

- Are you afraid of burglars?

I'm just trying not to smoke.

The theory is:

If you don't see them,

you don't think about them.

It's not 100% foolproof.

It's only a theory.

All you do is spend half your life

dragging ladders back and forth.

You could break a leg.

It's just ridiculous.

At the club we had this girl

who only smoked cigars.

She only did it

to make herself look older.

- What club was that?

- This club I lived at.

I hated it.

You had to be in by 1 a.m.

Now I can stay out all night.

I was glad when they

practically asked me to leave.

- Why did they ask you to leave?

- It was so silly.

I posed for a picture in

U. S. Camera and they got all upset.

What was wrong with the picture?

I was-- It was one of these

artistic pictures.

On the beach, with driftwood.

- It got honorable mention.

- In U. S. Camera?

It was called "Textures."

You'd see three different kinds.

The driftwood, the sand and me.

I got $25 an hour.

- It took hours and hours.

- Very interesting line of work.

I don't do modeling any more.

Now I'm on TV every other week.

- The Dazzledent Toothpaste Hour.

- You're an actress?

Sort of. I do the commercial part.

It's a good part.

They put gray makeup on my teeth...

...to show ordinary toothpaste.

Then they wipe it off

to show how Dazzledent works.

I sit like this

for about 14 seconds...

...and I get to speak lines too.

"I had onions at lunch,

I had garlic dressing at dinner.

But he'll never know.

I stay kissing-sweet...

...the new Dazzledent way."

- You do that beautifully.

- Thank you.

People don't realize,

but when I show my teeth on

...I appear before more people...

...than Sarah Bernhardt ever did.

Something to think about.

It certainly is.

Wish I were old enough to have

seen her. Was she magnificent?

I wouldn't know.

I'm not that old myself.

I guess you're not really.

I'm 39. I will be in August.

At the moment I'm 38.

Thirty-eight? I was 22,

day before yesterday.

I didn't do anything about it.

I didn't tell anyone.

I did buy a bottle of champagne.

I thought I'd sit there,

drink it by myself.

- That sounds absolutely sad.

- Oh, no!

It would've been just elegant,

lying in a bath, drinking champagne.

- But I couldn't get the bottle open.

- You couldn't? There's nothing to it.

You think you could get it open?

I'm pretty sure I could.

I've got an idea.

I'll go up and get it.

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