The Seven Year Itch Page #4

It's in the icebox with the potato

chips and my underwear.

- Do you have champagne glasses?

- Yes.

Good! We'll have a wonderful time.

The man says it's very good champagne.

- Shall I bring the potato chips too?

- Sure, let's shoot the works.

Honorable mention in U.S. Camera.

U. S. Camera.

"News Events. Children and Animals.

The Human Body."

Champagne glasses. Champagne glasses.

Phone, phone. Where's the phone?

Hello? Who is it?

Oh, Helen. Well, this is a surprise!

And a pleasant one. How are you?

Sure, I'm all right.

Why shouldn't I be all right?

In what way do I sound funny?

Everything is just fine.

What's your problem?

Did I know Ricky forgot his paddle?

I've been dragging that thing

all over New York. Sure, I will.

I'll send it off first thing.

Good night.

Who? Who dropped in after dinner?

Tom MacKenzie?

Good old Tom. How is he?

Drinking? Who, me?

Whatever gave you that idea?

I was sitting here reading

a book about driftwood.

We may publish it. It's interesting.

Some of the formations are--

I'd better hang up.

The bathtub is running over.

Good night. Night!

Sorry, I was on the phone.

A friend of mine in the country--

Oh, say!

It isn't right to drink champagne

in pants.

Would you mind fastening my straps?

Oh, sure. Sure.

Potato chips, champagne.

You really think you can get it open?

Oh, yeah. I've opened one or two

before in my life.

It's simply a matter of pressure

and counter-pressure.

- There she goes.

- You've sure got powerful thumbs.

I used to play a lot of badminton.

Get the glasses.

Quick, quick! The glasses!

- Pour it.

- Seems to be stuck.

That's silly. Give it a good yank.

This never happened before.

It must be the vacuum.

The bubbles create a vacuum.

Let me see if I can do it.

I'll try to twist it.

- You're married!

- I am? Yes, lam.

I knew it. I could tell.

You look married.

Actually, my wife and I are separated.

Separated in the sense

that she went away for the summer.

- Any children?

- No. Well, just one very little one.

It's cold in there.

Finger's getting numb.

I could call the plumber.

He's very good at this.

No, let's keep the plumber out of it.

Grab hold of the piano.

Careful, I had my appendix out

last year.

- Are you all right?

- Fine.

Do you wanna waste it

now that you know I'm married?

I think it's wonderful

that you're married. Just elegant.

- You do?

- Of course.

I wouldn't be lying on the floor

with some man if he wasn't married.

That's an interesting

line of reasoning.

With a married man it's so simple.

I mean, it can't possibly

ever get drastic.

- Have a potato chip.

- In what sense can't it get drastic?

- People keep falling in love with me.

- I can believe it.

- They get this strange idea.

- I believe that too.

They ask me to marry them.

All the time.

I don't know why they do it.

- Maybe it's a kind of nervousness.

- Maybe.

I don't wanna get married.

Not yet, anyway.

That'd be worse than living

at the club.

I'd have to get in by 1 again.

Very true, you would.

At least occasionally.

That's what's wonderful

about a married man.

No matter what,

he can't ask you to marry him.

- He's married already. Right?

- Right.

You certainly don't have to worry

about me. Am I ever a married man!

I'm the most married man

you'll ever know. And I promise...

...I will never ask you to marry me,

come what may.

- Well, how about some music?

- Fine.

Let's see what we've got here.

Debussy, Ravel, Stravinsky.

Hey, how about this one?

Rachmaninoff,

the Second Piano Concerto.

You look to me

like a big Rachmaninoff girl.

I do? Funny, I don't know

anything about music.

You don't have to.

Just listen to it, that's all.

This is classical music, isn't it?

I can tell. There's no vocal.

Don't talk.

Don't fight it.

Relax. Go limp.

- Like this?

- Yes.

Let it sweep over you.

I got the biggest thing

for Eddie Fisher.

Frequently, people go to pieces

listening to this.

- No kidding?

- Yes.

It quakes them. It shakes them.

Makes them goose-pimply all over.

Did you ever dunk a potato chip

in champagne?

It's real crazy. Here.

- Isn't that crazy?

- Yeah, pretty crazy.

We'd better send Rachmaninoff off.

This wasn't such a good idea.

Don't worry, everything's fine.

A married man, air conditioning...

...champagne and potato chips.

It's a wonderful party.

Hey! Look, you've got U.S. Camera!

I do? How about that!

I've got U. S. Camera.

I bought a dozen copies of this

but people kept stealing them.

Why would they do that?

That's me, right there on the beach.

My hair was a little longer then.

Did you notice?

No, I didn't.

Let me ask you something.

When they took this,

there must've been some passersby.

Other people around.

How did they keep the crowd back?

It was taken early in the morning.

Nobody was up.

- Except-- You see that shadow?

- Is it a sea gull?

No, a coast guard helicopter.

He kept buzzing the beach.

Maybe you'd like me to autograph

this before I leave.

You're not leaving yet,

are you?

- How about more champagne?

- Love some.

Just freshen it.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

Here.

We should have some music.

Do you play the piano?

Not really. Not any more. I used to.

Just a little as a child.

- Go ahead, play something.

- Well, all right.

Let's see if I remember this.

It's a little tricky.

"Chopsticks"! I can play that too.

Shove over.

I don't know about that Rachmaninoff,

but this really gets me.

- It does?

- And how.

- I can feel the goose pimples.

- Goose pimples?

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

- Why do you stop?

- You know why.

Because now I'm going to take you

in my arms and kiss you...

...very quickly and very hard.

Hey, wait a minute!

- What happened? I lost track.

- I don't know.

This is terrible.

There's nothing I can say.

Except that I'm terribly sorry.

Nothing like this ever happened

to me before.

This happens to me all the time.

This is unforgivable.

The only possible excuse is

that I'm not quite myself tonight.

Maybe it'd be better

if you would just go.

- Why? You're being silly.

- Please go. I must insist.

Take your potato chips and go.

All right, if you really want me to.

- Good night.

- Good night.

I think you're very nice.

Nice! You're not nice. You're crazy,

that's what you are.

Helen's gone for one day

and you're running amuck.

Smoking, drinking, picking up girls,

playing "Chopsticks."

You're not gonna live through

this summer. Not like this.

Look at those bloodshot eyes.

Look at that face, ravaged,

dissipated, evil.

One morning you'll look in the mirror

and that's all.

The Portrait of Dorian Gray.

- Good morning, Mr. Sherman.

- Good morning, Miss Morris.

- Mr. Brady get in yet?

- Yes, he came in early.

- I wanna see him. Put this on my desk.

- Of course.

Would you like me to get

coffee and a doughnut?

No, thank you.

Have you had breakfast,

with the family away?

I'm capable of fixing

my own breakfast.

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