The Seven Year Itch Page #6

the new Dazzledent way.

Now that I have your attention,

I want to warn all you girls...

...about an evil, dangerous,

married man...

...living downstairs in my building.

His name is Richard Sherman.

S-H-E-R-M-A-N.

While his wife and son are in Maine...

...this monster is terrorizing

the girls of New York.

Mommy, come quick!

They're talking about Daddy.

He makes them sit

on the piano bench...

...and makes them play "Chopsticks."

Then suddenly he turns on them...

just like the creature from

the Black Lagoon!

Well, I might as well face it.

She knows everything.

She knows, she knows, she knows.

But maybe she doesn't.

Maybe there isn't any TV up in Maine.

I can't go on like this.

Why don't I just call Helen?

The minute I heard her voice,

I could tell if she knew anything.

All right, call her.

Hello, long distance?

I want Ogunquit, Maine.

Ogunquit-42831 J. Yeah, thanks.

What's taking so long? Maybe she's

talking to the lawyers already.

Hello, hello? Helen? Bad connection.

Who? Who is this?

I wanna talk to Mrs. Sherman.

Who is this? Oh, the babysitter.

Look, this is Mr. Sherman.

Where is Mrs. Sherman?

What do you mean she's on a hayride?

With whom is she on a hayride?

Mr. MacKenzie and some people?

What people?

She did leave a message?

What was the message?

Ricky's paddle. No, I forgot

Something came up.

I'll send it first thing

in the morning. Goodbye!

- Mr. Sherman?

- What is it, Miss Morris?

It's after 6.

Do you need me any more tonight?

No. We've come to the end

of a perfect day.

Let's go home and enjoy

the simple things.

The good things, the real things.

The laughter of a child.

A flight of swallows winging

their way back home.

Life can be beautiful, Miss Morris.

Hey!

Good evening.

I just washed my hair.

That's nice. Goodbye.

Oh, no, not tonight.

This girl's a pistol.

Got away with it once.

Why press my luck?

It's gonna be quiet around here

tonight. I promise you that.

Take a shower, poach an egg,

rinse a shirt, hit the sack...

...and that's all.

If she was washing her hair

for me, is she kidding?

Helen, what a wife!

How lucky can you get?

I'm glad she's having a good time.

People to go outwith,

take her on hayrides.

One thing, though. What's she doing

on a hayride with MacKenzie?

I wish she wouldn't hang around

people like that.

He's capable

of making a pass at her.

She'll probably like it.

She's getting older.

I'm probably very dull.

And MacKenzie is a writer.

A lousy writer.

That last book of his!

All that downwardly pulsating...

...and hair spilled across the pillow.

No woman is safe around a guy

who writes stuff like that.

No, Tom, please. The other people!

I have a confession to make.

Look around.

- There are no other people.

- Don't be angry.

I should be.

No, Tom. What about the driver?

- There is no driver.

- No driver?

I thought of everything.

Even the horses are wearing blinkers.

- Tom, I'm afraid.

- Afraid? Of me?

No, of me.

Oh, darling!

Downwardly, pulsating, striving.

Now together, ending and unending.

Now, now, now!

What a cornball. Okay, good luck.

If that's the way you wanna play it,

I can play it that way too!

Kaufman. Kaufman. Kaufman.

Hi! Did you know you left your

tomato plant down here last night?

I'd be glad to bring it up.

Maybe you'd like to have dinner.

Then maybe we could

go to an air-conditioned movie.

Didn't you love the picture? I did.

But I just felt so sorry

for the creature at the end.

Sorry? What, did you want him

to marry the girl?

He was scary-looking,

but he wasn't really all bad.

He just craved a little affection.

A sense of being loved

and needed and wanted.

That's an interesting point of view.

Do you feel the breeze

from the subway?

Isn't it delicious?

Sort of cools the ankles.

What would be fun to do now?

- It's getting pretty late.

- Not that late.

I have this big day tomorrow.

I have to get to sleep.

What's the big day?

Tomorrow I'm on TV.

I told you, The Dazzledent Hour.

Oh, here comes another one.

Tell me, Dazzledent toothpaste,

I don't think I ever tried it.

You should. It's excellent.

Oh, yes, I use it myself.

- Then you do recommend it?

- Definitely.

It costs a little more,

but 8 out of 10 oral hygienists--

You sound like a commercial.

If I believed commercials...

- You can believe this one.

- What's that you say?

"He'll never know. I stay kissing-

sweet the new Dazzledent way"?

- Now really.

- It's true! I'll prove it to you.

Well?

My faith in the integrity

of advertising is restored.

However, before I switch brands,

I wanna make absolutely certain.

A successful businessman

like Kaufman...

...probably makes 15,000 a year.

Spends a fortune on sculptures

but will not put in air conditioning.

I bet it was 95

in the bedroom last night.

Poor kid, it's awful.

Good night.

If you wanted to drop by my place

to cool off...

...before you face that Turkish bath

up there...

I left the air conditioning

on full blast. It's cold in there.

- Maybe for a few minutes.

- To bring the body temperature down.

I feel no matter how much it costs...

...if you've got to sell

the kids' bonds...

...I say in the summertime

in New York...

...you've got to have

air conditioning.

Just feel that.

I didn't tell you, but I have

air conditioning in every room.

The kitchen, the bathroom,

the bedroom.

- Heaven!

- You just relax.

I'll fix two drinks,

and we'll have a nice, quiet talk.

This is really the most!

Well, what shall we talk about?

How about psychoanalysis?

I don't know how much you know

about it, but it's a hobby of mine.

I like to wander through the labyrinth

of the human mind.

What gets me is spending $3.95

for that miserable fan.

It's absolutely useless.

I'll take it back to the store

to get my money back.

Just hope I didn't

lose the sales slip.

Two days ago we were strangers...

...and now you're here alone with me.

How did it happen? Why did we meet?

The answer lies in the unconscious.

If they won't take back the fan,

the larger size is only $3 more.

But what about tonight?

I've just got to get some sleep.

You think that plant fell by itself?

There are no accidents.

Nothing happens by itself.

We make it happen.

You didn't accidentally brush

the plant, you pushed it.

Maybe if I took the fan,

put it in the icebox...

...and left the door open...

...then left the bedroom door open

and soaked the sheets in ice water...

No, that's too icky.

Your behavior is obvious.

You pushed the plant down to kill me.

And why do you suppose you wanted to?

Could it be, could it possibly be

because you love me?

Of course I could simply ask him if--

I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

He's such a nice man.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Under this veneer we're all savages.

Man, woman, hopelessly enmeshed.

We're on a toboggan, we can't stop.

It's too late to run.

The beguine has begun.

What are we going to do?

I've been thinking about it and I...

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