The Seven Year Itch Page #8

For the long, long road.

Hi.

- What are you doing?

- I need a cigarette.

They're right there on the table.

- What's the matter with you?

- I'm all shot.

It's because I took your bed

and you slept on the couch.

I knew I should've taken the couch.

It's not the couch, it's my wife.

- She found out about us and shot me.

- She what?

Five times in the back

and twice in the belly.

You're just having a bad dream.

Yeah, I guess so.

Come on now. Everything's fine.

It's just my imagination.

Some people have flat feet.

- I have this appalling imagination.

- I think it's just elegant.

I just have no imagination at all.

I have lots of other things.

I was standing in the kitchen.

Then it occurred to me.

If my wife walked in with you in the

shower, she'd probably shoot me.

Of course. If I was married...

...and came in on my husband making

toast for a blond, I'd shoot him.

- You would?

- Bang,bang,bang!

Right in the head.

Come on now, relax.

- You're just making this all up.

- That's right.

I don't suppose if she had come in

she'd shoot me.

She'd be mad, maybe throw an ashtray.

- Just that?

- She probably wouldn't even do that.

If she found you in the shower...

...she'd probably think

you were the plumber.

- A blond plumber?

- Absolutely. She trusts me implicitly.

- Doesn't she love you?

- Oh, she loves me.

She worries about me.

I had a cough,

and she made me stop smoking.

- She loves me, all right.

- Isn't she jealous?

Not really. How can anybody be jealous

of somebody with a briefcase...

...who's getting a little pot

and can't keep his eyes open past 9?

She trusts me.

It'd never occur to her that I--

Last Christmas, I came home

with lipstick on my collar.

Helen said, "What's that

on your collar, cranberry sauce?"

- That's bad.

- You know who kissed me? Mrs. Brady.

Face it, no pretty girl wants me,

she wants Gregory Peck.

Is that so? How do you know

what a pretty girl wants?

I don't know, but I imagine--

Your imagination!

You think every girl's a dope.

You think a girl goes to a party

and there's some guy...

...in a fancy striped vest

strutting around...

...giving you that I'm-so-handsome-

you-can't-resist-me look.

From this she's supposed

to fall flat on her face.

Well, she doesn't fall on her face.

But there's another guy in the room,

over in the corner.

Maybe he's nervous and shy

and perspiring a little.

First, you look past him.

But then you sense that

he's gentle and kind and worried.

That he'll be tender with you,

nice and sweet.

That's what's really exciting.

If I were your wife,

I'd be very jealous of you

I'd be very, very jealous

I think you're just elegant.

Thank you.

Aren't you going to answer it?

- Answer what?

- The doorbell.

Go ahead, I'll put the cinnamon

on the toast.

Tom MacKenzie!

- Morning, Dickie-boy.

- What are you doing here?

- Don't call me "Dickie-boy."

- Got a date with my agent.

- Is that coffee I smell?

- No.

I'm glad I caught you. We've got

important family business to discuss.

- Are you sure that's not coffee?

- Positive. My family?

I was driving down and Helen

asked me to stop by and ask you--

She did? I'm glad she did...

...because I wanna talk to you.

What's the matter, Dickie-boy?

You think you're pretty fancy

with the blinkers on the horses.

What blinkers? What horses?

And no driver and no other people.

- You drunk or something?

- No, I'm not drunk.

- You took Helen on a hayride.

- No, in fact, I didn't.

She went with the other people.

And it was like a bus.

- That's your story.

- I have terrible hay fever.

I've had it ever since the Army.

This doctor took a wad of cotton.

He went in and down--

In and down. "inwardly,

downwardly pulsating!

Now together, ending and unending!

Now, now!" I know all about it.

- You're drunk.

- Get out!

- If Helen sent you to get a divorce--

- Divorce?

I absolutely refuse!

- She sent me for the paddle.

- I'll fight it in every court!

I can explain the stairs,

the blond in the kitchen.

- Wait, what blond in the kitchen?

- Wouldn't you like to know?

Maybe it's Marilyn Monroe!

Blind, stinking drunk

at 8:
30 in the morning!

I'll get six lawyers,

I'll bribe judges, but no divorce!

Listen to me.

Helen does not want a divorce!

All she wants is Ricky's paddle!

- Ricky's paddle?

- The other kids are out on the lake.

But Ricky has to stay on the dock.

You wouldn't send his paddle!

If anybody is gonna take

Ricky's paddle back...

...I'm gonna take it back.

And I've got a good mind

to punch you.

- Why?

- Because you're a love you.

Strutting around in your vest

with that I'm-so-handsome look.

- Let me tell you, Helen loves me.

- Sure, she loves you!

She loves me because I'm sweet

and gentle and worried...

...and nervous and shy and tender!

Breakfast is ready.

- Anybody you know?

- Meet Tom MacKenzie.

- How do you do?

- He came for Ricky's paddle.

- I'm taking it to him.

- Is this a good time to pick up the--?

- I wish I was dead.

- Wait a minute, Kruhulik.

If you wanna pick up something,

pick up this.

What do you want me to do with him?

I don't care. Put him in mothballs.

Just get him out of here.

Boy, I'm telling you,

lug the fat poodle...

...lug the tomato plant, now lug this.

I'll be glad when the wives get home

and things settle down.

The 8:
47, I can still make the 8:47.

I can't stay for breakfast, I'm sorry.

Don't ever be sorry.

Do me a favor. Call Brady & Company.

Tell Mr. Brady I'm taking two weeks

off, whether he likes it or not.

Why don't you stay here?

You've got your own duplex.

Big, tall martinis, air conditioning.

- Thank you.

- Well, I guess that's all.

- Just one more thing.

- What?

I have a message for your wife.

Don't wipe it off.

If she thinks it's cranberries...

...tell her she's got cherry pits

in her head.

Wait!

Hey!

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