The Sex Monster Page #5

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Hi, Laura.

I need to show you something.

I'm sorry to barge in...

Hi...

- Hi, I'm Didi.

- This is Didi.

Dave and Evie Pembroke.

Billy and Carol you know.

This is our friend, Didi...

who forgot her purse

and has now located it.

I'm gonna walk her to the door.

This is a brochure on an arts fair

and sympo-see-um in Monterrey.

A symposium?

Dave, I'll be with you

in a minute...

Say goodbye, okay?

Let go of my...

you're being an a**hole.

I'm not being an a**hole...

Let go of me, pen dick.

Join us, Didi.

Honey, join us...?

I don't understand

why you're so upset.

You're the one that wanted me

to sleep with her.

Why am I so upset?

Because I think you single-handedly

blew the Pembroke deal, Laura.

That's why I'm so upset.

I don't know what's gotten into you.

Honestly, I don't know.

What do you mean,

what has gotten into me?

Are you gay?

Are you gay now?

No, I am not gay...

Are you bi?

No... I don't know...

I thought I knew, but now I don't.

I was watching some

of your moves the other night...

It was like watching

an old pro work.

I thought I was at a Pavarotti

concert for a minute.

Have you been with Didi before?

Tell the truth.

No, I haven't.

I haven't been with Didi before.

Before two weeks ago,

I had never slept with a woman.

That's the truth.

You wouldn't know that

by watchin' you work.

I know that...

I know that, because...

It's... you know what it is?

That "home court advantage" thing...

I knew... you were gonna say that.

Know how I knew?

Ask me...

you know how I knew?

How do you know, Marty?

Because I made the "home court

advantage" thing up.

It's bullshit, and I made it up.

- But it's true. It is true...

- No, it's bullshit...

Don't bullshit a bullshit artist.

I'm telling you, it's true.

It was like I knew exactly

what to do to please Didi,

And it was so... my God,

it was so powerful,

and it was nice, then - God -

she did these things to me,

and I thought I was

just gonna melt and gyrate...

I was there. I don't need to hear

the minutes read back, okay?

I was in the room. That was me...

The guy with his thumb up his ass.

That was me.

- Marty?

- Yeah?

I need to leave early today.

Donald and I are going to Big Bear

to check out this banquet hall.

There's a giant moose head

he's convinced should be

the centerpiece for our reception,

I have to be there to tell him

how wrong he is.

- All right, take the day off.

Listen, Diva...

- About yesterday...

- No, Marty, don't worry about it.

It's cool.

Laura?

Laura?

(squeaking and giggling)

What...?

Diva?

I can't believe this.

- Marty, don't be upset.

- Don't be upset? What should I be?

My wife and assistant

are in bed together, what should I be?

It's not like that.

- Oh, it's not like that?

- No...

What's it like? It is like that.

You're screwing around on me.

She's not screwing around

on you, I promise.

Diva, you lied, okay?

You lied.

You said you were going

to look at a moose head,

which I gotta say, is the exact

opposite of what you're looking at.

Marty, the showing got cancelled.

I didn't lie to you.

We decided not to go.

Okay, good! Go back to work.

Don't come here and burrow your head

between my wife's legs.

Marty? Why are you doing this?

This... was for you.

We are warming up for you.

"Warming up"? Waiting for me?

Yes, this was supposed

to be a surprise,

'cause I was planning

a little three-way... for you.

A surprise for me?

Yes - so, come on in, babe.

Laura, do you really think

I'm gonna fall for that?

(groaning and thumping)

Okay... that was a good

surprise three-way, we can stop.

Okay, Laura, everyone's good

and warmed up.

Okay, Laura...

How stupid do I look?

"Warming up" for me...?

Warming up for me?

How stupid do I look, huh?!

(Billy:
)

What's up? You seem a little low.

(Marty:
)

Low? Yeah, I guess.

- What's up?

- Nothin'.

Come on, what's goin' on?

Laura and I...

are going through something.

What, is she sleeping

with a woman?

You guessed that?

Who told you that?

- You guessed that?

- What, did I guess right?

Wait a minute. Your wife,

is sleeping with another woman?

If you wanna get technical,

she's sleeping with two women.

Your wife is sleeping

with a couple of women?!

Wow.

I begged and I pushed...

and it happened.

Good for you.

Actually, it gets worse.

You mean, it gets better.

No... it gets worse.

She's doing Diva.

Diva?

Your wife is sleeping

with your assistant, Diva?

Diva - Diva?

Yes... yes.

It's not funny, Murphy.

It's not funny.

Did she happen to mention

if she was any good?

It's not funny, Murphy!

All right, I'm sorry.

But, you know...

it's a video I would

definitely go and rent.

So, Jane, how was your week?

Eventful, I hope?

Not as eventful as Laura's.

You told her? I can't believe it.

That's a breach.

Honey, she's my best friend.

I tell her everything.

Apparently, you do.

Are you gonna tell me

you didn't tell Billy and Murphy?

No, I didn't. Of course not.

I wouldn't do that.

- Did she tell you everything?

- Oh, yeah.

She tell you

she seduced my assistant?

- I love it.

- You love it?

Good, Jane,

egg her on, that's good.

After dinner, we'll go to the Forum,

they're playing

women's basketball tonight,

she can just do the whole team.

How's that?

Just throw her in the locker room.

Hey! Open up.

Remember me?

The guy barely paying the mortgage?

Come on.

(Laura:
)

Okay, I'm coming. Hold on.

Why's the door locked?

What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- You're alone...?

You're in here alone?

Yeah, I'm alone.

Hi, Marty.

Marty, don't be mad.

Diva! Jane...!

Hello, pen dick.

Guess who brought the play toys?

Laura...!

Hey, Marty...

don't be mad.

It's just a little nightmare.

You had a dream...

that they had an orgy,

and locked you out.

Not a dream, a nightmare.

Three incredible women,

lying around,

lapping up

the little man in the canoe,

where is the nightmare in that?

The nightmare is,

they want nothing to do with me.

I was locked outside the door.

That speaks of sexual

inadequacy to me.

Exactly.

What are you talking about?

It was your dream,

all I'm sayin' is...

if that were me,

in that situation,

and I found myself

locked outside the bedroom door,

with my schmekel in my mitt,

I'd be thinking about sex therapy.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Are you mad, Marty?

Don't be mad.

Mad? I'm not mad,

I'm worried.

I'm justifiably worried.

Honey, you shouldn't be.

I'm just experimenting as a woman.

- Really, it's nice.

- Oh, that's nice...

it's "nice".

Obviously, I've been hiding

things from you... from myself...

It's gonna be okay. Either way,

it's not a big deal, all right?

Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas,

and the drive...

and the time away,

will be good for me. Okay?

You're going to Vegas

with my sister.

Listen, I'm beggin' you.

This is my baby sister.

- This is my baby sister.

- Marty, stop it.

- We go to Vegas every year...

- This isn't every year!

I am not going to disappoint her.

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