The Sitter Page #5

No bao.

You're a pendejo.

You're a puto.

You're a puta, b*tch.

I'm gonna f*** you up, dawg!

Noah Griffith?

Uh, hey.

That's you, right?

Yeah. What's up?

How's it going?

It's Roxanne.

I lived in the dorms down the

hall from you, freshman year.

That's right.

We were in Astronomy, right?

Yeah, I sat behind

you in Astronomy.

We were, like, the only two

students who seemed to give a sh*t.

That's right. Yeah.

You made that scale model of

Saturn with a cantaloupe, right?

Oh, sh*t, yeah.

That was you.

That thing was fresh.

That was cool. Yeah, that was me.

Did you know about the

geomagnetic storm tonight?

I did. I'm gonna

check it out. Are you?

I'm actually kind

of excited for it.

Yeah. For sure.

Yeah, it's gonna be cool.

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty cool.

Stay on that dance floor!

It's time for the hora!

Wow!

Hava Nagila, yeah.

You gonna go on the chair?

I don't think so.

Yeah?

No. No chair for me.

I can't believe you're here.

Like, I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah, I'm actually

not in school this year.

That sucks.

But I'm working

right now, obviously.

But once I get off work,

I'm going to a pool hall

with some of my co-workers.

Would you want to come?

Oh, cool.

That would be great,

but I'm actually

in the middle of

a situation currently.

Oh, yeah. No worries.

I just thought I'd ask.

No. Thank you.

Any other time.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

It was great

running into you again.

Oh, my God!

Put your f***ing dick away!

You're getting

piss all over me!

You're getting

piss all over my feet!

Watch out. Come on.

- Happy birthday, Wendy!

- Mazel tov, Wendy.

What were you doing?

You do not take a piss in the

middle of a party, okay?

You don't piss in the middle

of a Bat Mitzvah, you idiot!

Clayton?

Oh, sh*t.

What are you doing here?

What about your tarantula?

Oh, I got over that, man

It's just a spider, bro.

Since when do you hang out

with Benji Gillespie?

Look, I can hang out with as

many other people as I want.

I don't think you

understand that.

I'm getting kind of sick of going

to your house all the time

and watching tennis.

We do other sh*t.

No, we don't!

You don't do anything!

I can't just

always hang around you.

I don't get why

you're being mean to me.

He doesn't want to hang out

with you any more, bro.

How hard is it to

understand that?

Just stop calling and texting

him all the time. It's weird.

Is that true?

See you around.

Yo.

Hey, man. You all right?

Those guys f***ing with you?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You okay?

Yeah, just leave me alone!

Hi. I'm so sorry to

have to say this to you.

It's just that I can't

seem to find your car.

What do you mean,

you can't find my car?

Well, I think we lost it.

You didn't lose your Morrissey box set.

Where's my f***ing car, dude?

Did you lose it or you

taking a sh*t right now?

A little of both.

There's no "a little

bit" of taking a sh*t.

You're either shitting

your pants or you're not.

Stop crying, all right?

It's not going to solve anything.

Let's go find this sh*t.

All right?

Hey, look! There it is!

Oh, thank God we found it.

That's not finding it, you idiot.

Someone stole it.

Oh, poo.

Three thousand bucks.

Is that good?

No. It's not. We need 7,000 more.

And it's almost 11:00.

Hey, Noah, I have an idea.

How about you start your own

signature fragrance?

That's a great idea!

I'll just alert

my team of scientists,

have them invent a new perfume.

We'll start

selling it and we'll have

seven grand in

the next 45 minutes!

You're such a jerk.

God damn it, my f***ing shin.

I'm just trying to help.

All I know is, is I'm going

to be a famous celebrity

who designs on the side,

and I'm going to be rich.

What the hell are

you talking about?

You do know that just

being a celebrity and

having a good time is

not a real job, right?

Yeah, it is!

Being a famous celebrity

is the greatest

thing in the world!

It means people

take your picture.

You get to have

birthday parties at

the coolest clubs

and dance on tables.

Even for a small child,

you sound like an idiot.

What are you walking away for?

What's your problem,

drama queen?

My problem is that

my best friend Clayton

doesn't want to hang out

with me any more

because he

doesn't like me back,

and he'd rather hang out with an

a**hole named Benji Gillespie.

That is my problem!

Okay, well...

You'll make another friend.

No.

No, I won't.

Well, I don't know the inner

workings of your friendship,

but if he doesn't

like you, then screw him.

All right, train's coming!

Let's go!

If you only knew

what it was like

Hoping that you see the light

And you always put up a fight

I get lost within your stare

When we breathe the same air

I see you everywhere

Oh, if you only knew

Whoa.

It's like actual China.

Excuse me.

Is this Wing's Fish Market?

You must be Noah Griffith.

Mr. Karl is expecting you.

Wait here, all right?

So.

- Did you get my money?

- Um...

Garv, can I get some

chili flakes, please?

Garv, honey.

Look at me. Look at me!

Uh, yes,

I have money right here.

Garv? Oh, boy.

Here you go. I got it.

Not listening.

He's got the headphones on.

I got the cash right here for you.

Here you go.

So how do you guys

all know each other?

What the f***

difference does it make?

We got a problem.

What's the problem?

My man! You got $3,000 here.

You are short $7,000!

Short?

Okay, I have checks.

Are you kidding me?

Checks, yes.

Checks! What's the matter

with you?

Who the f*** is

Wendy Sapperstein?

The Sappersteins are loaded,

so they're not gonna

miss the money at all.

Garv! Please, chili flakes!

You don't listen!

So you can sign

the check over to yourself.

I'll count to three.

One.

Sign the checks over?

Two. Yeah, sign the

checks over to yourself.

Three. Good night.

Did you hear that?

Why'd you do that?

Drop him off at the podiatrist.

Make his mom a mix CD

with an apology letter.

I told you, dawg.

Now your foot match your a**hole.

Hey!

Hey, Karl!

Hey, Marisa.

Where you at?

I'm at a party!

A party?

What?

I'm always down to party.

All right, text me the address.

All right, baby.

We're gonna meet you at

this party at midnight.

If you don't

have my seven grand,

Julio's gonna tickle your

girlfriend's a**hole with a feather.

How'd you get that name

"The Feather" again?

Let me tell the story, man.

My joint got a little curve to it.

So I go up in there, and it

tickles the lady's a**hole.

Tickle, tickle, tickle,

tickle, tickle, tickle.

My joint goes in and comes

out at the same time

you know what I'm saying?

Tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle,

tickle, tickle. Yeah.

See, when I'm stoking,

I see the head,

although I'm in it,

my head is popping out.

Still, like that.

Like a U-turn.

My joint make

a U-turn in that ass.

The Feather is in

effect since 1981, son.

My joint be

pop-locking in that ass.

It go in your ass and come

out your ass, like that.

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