The Sitter Page #6

See what I'm saying?

Come here. Give me a hug.

Give him a f***ing hug!

Don't be shy.

You're so shy. Come here.

Hug me tight.

It's okay.

It's our little secret.

But I want you to

think about something.

Garv was my third

best friend in the world,

and I shot him in the feet

for being a bad listener.

You're my eighth

best friend in the world,

and you stole from me.

From my home!

You're gonna meet me

at that party at midnight.

And if you don't

get my seven grand,

let's just say

it's gonna be bad.

Real f***ing bad!

Now get out of here!

Stop staring at me

with those gorgeous eyes.

All right, guys, let's go.

Can we go home?

No, I have to see somebody.

I don't want to see anybody.

Let's just go home.

Believe me, Slater, I don't want

to see this person, either.

God damn it.

Hey, Beth?

Noah. What are

you doing here?

I am babysitting

these children.

Looks like we finally have

something in common, right?

I'm not your

babysitter any more, Noah.

Oh, you're not. That's right!

Because you f***ed my dad

while he was still married to my

mom and ruined my life. I forgot!

Is he home, by the way?

Seven thousand dollars?

Yes.

There is no way in hell I'm

giving you seven grand, so...

Dad, you screwed Mom and I out

of child support and alimony.

Just do this one thing.

We'll call it even. All right?

You know, I have to say, it is

always some justification with you.

You are never gonna grow up

with that attitude.

Okay, don't do that.

Don't do that. Okay?

Don't pretend like

you care how I turn out.

Let's be very, very

straightforward with one another.

Okay?

Okay.

I'm in a jam. Okay?

That's why I'm here,

because I need your help.

And I'm sorry.

I just need you to be my dad for a day.

That's it.

And I'm sorry.

I can't help you.

You know what, pal?

It's not my problem.

I mean, it's really

not my problem.

Okay.

Daddy? Can we look

at the telescope now?

Oh, hey, buddy.

Of course.

Excuse me a second.

I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to go in the kitchen

and get a little bite to eat

for the two of us.

I'll be right in, okay?

That a boy!

There's a geomagnetic

storm tonight. I forgot.

I got thrown off.

So...

I didn't even know.

Yeah, I have to go.

You smell like perfume.

You got a lot of perfume on you.

I know. I know I do.

Why?

Gotcha, b*tch.

- Shotgun!

- All right, come on, let's go!

Let's roll. Hustle.

Rodrigo, feel free to take a piss in it.

Fancy car.

It smells like hotdogs.

Was that woman at the door

your babysitter?

She was, till I found out

my dad was tipping her extra

when he'd drive

her home at night.

Where are we going?

Just got to pick up something

from my dad's store real quick.

You're breaking in?

Not exactly.

Shouldn't you tell

him about this or something?

What's wrong?

I'm typing in the code,

and it's not working.

You didn't do it right!

Yes, I did.

I'm doing it right.

Maybe your dad

changed the code.

He didn't change the code.

Okay? The code's my birthday.

It's always been my birthday.

He didn't change it.

Maybe it's

someone else's birthday.

Sorry, man.

Let me guess what it is.

Booyah!

Can I tell you my gossip now?

Oh, sh*t, yeah. Blithe.

Not now. I think we should go, okay?

Let's go. We gotta go.

I saw my daddy

kissing his assistant, Debra.

That's why he always stays

late at the hospital,

'cause he spends

all night kissing Debra.

My mom knows.

She pretends like she doesn't

know, but she knows.

That's not gossip, Blithe.

You know that, right?

Well...

Sometimes people do messed-up

stuff to each other, okay?

Why?

One time I was

walking down the street,

I punched my best friend Darius

in the nut sack for no reason.

Just both fists.

Just double-punched him.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

You're an idiot.

That's probably true.

I am an idiot.

And so is your dad.

Come on.

Hey.

Where's Rodrigo?

He's in the bathroom.

Oh, no.

No, tell me...

Tell me you didn't.

Oh, sh*t!

Why the hell did

you do that, Rodrigo?

Seriously, dude!

You said you didn't have

any more cherry bombs!

How many more do you have, huh?

You can't just go around blowing

up bathrooms! It's not cool!

Why can't you be more like

your brother and sister?

They're at least half crazy.

You're full-on nuts!

They are not my brother and sister!

They are nothing to me!

They are not my family!

She does nothing

all day but paint

her face like a puta.

She is a puta!

And this one is

sick in the head!

He goes to the head doctor

four times a week!

HEY! Stop acting

crazy, okay?

He is the crazy one.

He has this medicine!

He loco! He muy loco!

Hey, relax!

Shut up!

You shut up with your stupid fanny pack!

I take your fanny pack!

No! No! No, I need that!

Stop it! I need that!

My pills! No! No!

What did you do that for?

Pull over!

Pull over!

Okay! Okay!

- Right now! Right now!

- Okay! Okay!

Slater! Where are you going?

What the f*** is

your problem, man?

Slater.

You're not going to

find it, all right?

I need those pills, okay?

I need them.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do, okay?

I have serious issues.

You don't have serious issues.

Yes, I do! Those pills are the

only thing that keep me normal,

and I need them!

I can't do this any more.

Slater, you're gay, all right?

What the f*** are

you talking about?

Nothing. Never mind.

Take that back!

Take it back, Noah!

You're gay. All right?

You're as queer as a football

bat, and that's fine.

And if your therapist hasn't

clued you into that by now,

then you should ask

for your money back, pal.

You ever think

the reason you're so upset

your buddy Clayton doesn't

want to hang out any more

is because you have a lot

of special feelings for him

that maybe

he doesn't feel back?

It breaks your heart, man.

And that breaks my heart.

'Cause I know

what that feels like.

I feel it all the time.

I don't want to be gay!

I'm not gay!

Tough.

I don't want to be a f*ggot!

Hey! Do not say sh*t like that!

Do you understand me?

This is the worst night

of my life.

All right, high school

is going to suck.

Coming out to your parents, it's

not gonna be a picnic, either.

But trust me when I tell you

that when you get to college,

nobody will care.

And then,

when you graduate college,

you'll get an awesome job

in the entertainment industry.

You'll be super-organized and dress

really well, you'll smell good.

Smell good? What are you

talking about, Noah?

Relax. Listen to me.

My dad hates me. All right?

I got kicked out of college.

Before tonight,

this babysitting thing,

I've only ever had one job,

and I was a lifeguard.

I got fired after four days

because I kept falling

asleep in the sun.

I'm a constant

disappointment to my mom,

who's the only

decent person in my life.

I've been arrested

numerous times.

I had a month-long, intense

addiction to Robitussin.

There's only

one freak out here.

You're looking at him.

I've never had a gay thought in my

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