The Sitter Page #7

life, so what does that tell you?

That tells me

you're pretty messed up.

I have seen Devil Wears Prada

about 19 times,

but that's because

it's a good movie.

It's a good flick.

Devil Wears P. You ever seen it?

D Wears P?

I think, like, once.

I don't really remember it though.

Nothing's wrong with you.

You're normal.

Just super gay.

You're a dick.

Yes, that's true.

Enough of the pills, all right?

Okay.

You know,

deep down, I think

I always kind of knew.

But don't tell

anybody yet, okay?

I won't. I won't.

What do you think

lam, an a**hole?

Yeah, sort of.

Come on, Ricky Martin,

let's get out of here.

That's an example.

Hey, Slater, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey! That's Mom's car!

Are you sure?

All right.

Let's go! Let's go!

Rodrigos jacket

must be in there!

This is my kind of club.

- Let's just go home.

- No.

All right? I have a half-hour

to get to this party,

pay off Karl,

pick my girlfriend up

off the floor,

get you kids home,

and be home in time for my mom to

tell me how awesome her night was.

I'm not gonna let some bullshit

car thief f*** this up for me.

Hey.

What's happening, my man?

How you doing, man?

You know, this ain't

no place for no kids.

These aren't kids,

these are little people.

This woman's 48 years old.

Her children have children.

Hi. I'm a grandma.

All right.

What's your name, baby?

They call me Soul, Soul Baby.

Soul Baby?

Keep it in control, baby.

I hear you, baby.

My name's

Noah J-Bird.

Noah J-Bird.

Oh, you like to fly.

I fly, baby.

Fly, fly, fly away, baby.

In the clouds, no frowns.

All right, now, that's

what I'm talking about.

Tears, no fears, man.

Is that right?

Respect it, don't neglect it.

All right. That's what I'm

talking about, baby. My brother.

Treat it, don't beat it, my man.

All right, baby.

You're a badass motherf***er.

Hey.

God, man.

What's up, white boy?

I'm here for my minivan.

What's up?

Get out of here.

What, are you stalking me now?

You're stealing my car?

I'm serious.

Give me the keys.

Look, homey, we got beef.

You understand that?

Just give me the keys.

Step back, homey!

This ain't where you belong!

All right, you're going

to listen to me, okay?

You're right, I threw up in

your grandmother's ashes.

Hell, yeah, you did.

It was an accident.

F***ed up.

I apologize from

the bottom of my heart.

I have been stuck babysitting

these three kids.

I was talked into buying

cocaine for my girlfriend,

who I realize is not

even my girlfriend.

She's just a girl

who occasionally

lets me stick

my face in her crotch

- and who's mean to me all the time.

- Okay?

And this time, making her happy

is probably

gonna get me killed.

You're acting all gangster, stealing

cars, hanging out with thugs.

Well, you know what?

A few years ago we went to the

same lame-ass high school.

The point is, you and I

are two f***ed-up kids

meeting on the playground.

I came here for my motherfucking

keys to my motherfucking minivan,

and that's what's up!

Is that supposed to be

a threat, little man?

I ain't giving you sh*t.

It's not a threat.

I'm going to put both my

hands behind my back,

and you get one punch to my

face as hard as you want.

I can punch you in the face?

You deserve to

punch me in the face.

Go on, baby.

Punch him in the face.

My face

is ready to receive you.

Noah, don't!

What?

Oh!

B*tch.

Noah!

I f***ing love you right now.

You killed my babysitter!

Noah?

That was bad.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t. I'm all right!

I'm okay!

She won this round, right?

Oh, sh*t.

She punched my face, but it's cool!

It's all good.

Looks like we're even.

Guess you ain't the little p*ssy

you used to be. Huh, Noah?

Nope, I'm a whole

different p*ssy now.

All right, boy. Respect.

Unlock it. What's inside?

Oh, sh*t, it's a bomb.

Hell, yeah. I feel that.

Let that debris

fall across your face, girl.

Look here, little homey.

I like your style, you dig?

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

You stand up for yours,

and I can respect that.

If we ever need a crazy-ass white

boy to roll with us one day

and get punched in the face by

motherfuckers, I'm-a call you.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, man.

Yo, listen. Listen.

Let me holler at you for a second.

I just wanna let you know,

I just want to throw a monster

shout-out back at you, my man.

Monster shout-out

back at me, right?

I don't understand

what the f*** that is,

but it sound good, though.

It's all good, baby.

All right, brother.

Peace to you.

I f***ing love you, dawg.

Noah, are you all right?

I feel so cool right now.

This place is cool.

I honestly might start DJ-ing here.

I don't know.

Okay, that's all right,

but do you really think that this is

an appropriate place to bring kids?

I don't know. Look, Rodrigo's over

there chatting up some prostitutes.

You got Slater schooling Bell

Biv DeVoe over there in pool.

And Blithe's doing the Riverdance

over in the bowling alley.

Honestly,

this is the first time

I've seen them

having any kind of fun,

so what the hell?

You know what that is?

What is that?

Just me being cool.

Playing it cool.

No big deal.

You're crazy.

You're crazy

slash beautiful. Whatever.

So, did you drive here?

No, I took a cab.

Maybe you should

take my dad's car,

because I can't drive

both of them anyways.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it'd actually

really help me out.

Okay. How are

you gonna find me?

Do you have a phone?

Okay. See you.

Yeah.

Just kidding.

Here, this is my phone number,

and then you can call me.

Okay.

I'll call you.

Hey, uh,

why did you say something to me

when you saw me earlier?

I feel like

you kind of ignored me

all freshman year.

I don't know. I thought you

were really funny and smart

and seemed really sweet.

I guess I was kind of nervous

to talk to you back then.

You were nervous to talk to me?

Yeah.

My phone's ringing.

Sh*t, it's my girlfriend.

I'm sorry. I have to take this.

Girlfriend.

Yeah.

Hello?

All right. See you later.

Call me about the car.

Yeah.

Noah.

Listen to me You need

to leave that party right now.

Noah, this party is breathtaking,

so I'm not gonna leave it.

Breathtaking?

Marisa, listen to me.

You need to listen to me.

You have been jerking me around all night.

And you wanna know what?

It's disrespectful and it's lame.

Just, if Karl and Julio show

up, stay away from them.

They're dangerous.

They're not dangerous.

You're being an idiot.

I'm very close.

I'm coming for you, Marisa, okay?

Okay

Oh, sh*t.

I can't decide if

this is funny or not.

It's not funny at all.

How you doing tonight, my man?

Do you have any idea

why I stopped you?

No.

You ran a red light

and you're not

wearing your seat belt.

All right, why don't you

step out of the car, pal?

Do me a favor.

Put your hands on the trunk.

Easy, cowboy.

What's this?

It's a luchador action figure.

Luchadors, I love these guys.

Look at this.

Frank, what's in there?

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