The Snapper Page #7

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the shaggin'electric bill.

Are you readin' this?

What?

Uh, yeah.

What are you readin' it for?

Ha. Curiosity, you know?

Kimberley's after

electrocutin' herself again.

Do you get cramps, Sharon?

No.

No? Good. I'd say

they'd be a killer, what?

We'll have to keep

our fingers crossed.

Nothin'else?

- Wrong?

- Yeah.

- No.

- Good.

I'll see you. All right?

Where are yous?

Here!

Is it safe to touch her?

Come on. Get out.

I was lookin'

at another chapter there...

about, you know,

doin' the business.

Sex?

Yeah. Jesus.

I don't know. Ha.

It's very complicated,

isn't it?

I can't say I don't know.

What? Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha.

I'd say Georgie Burgess...

was a dab hand

at the old foreplay, what?

Aw, Daddy.

Only messin'.

But you know...

this business, you know...

ridin' and that, you know.

Jesus, I don't know, Sharon.

I'd better warn Mummy.

What?

Oh, very good.

Very good, yeah.

Oh, come on!

I don't want to miss

the "Antiques Roadshow. "

Your fingernail! Dessie!

Sorry.

How was that?

I love you, Kay.

Jesus!

Get out and brush your teeth.

No. Hang on.

Do that again.

What? That?

Yeah.

There?

Do you like that, Kay?

It's all right.

Where did you learn to do that?

- Let go!

- Where?

Let... in a book!

Will you let go?

I will

always remember you, Sharon.

Jesus!

What's wrong?

Is it comin'?

No. No, I'm sorry.

I just fell asleep

without knowin'. Sorry.

It's all right.

You can't be too careful

about these things.

Oh, we wouldn't want

you burstin' your waters...

all over our furniture.

Sure we wouldn't, Dessie dear.

They are new covers.

Sorry, Sharon.

That's a terrible thing

for Kay to say. Terrible!

Ah, stop it.

She was only jokin'.

Ah, there's jokin' and jokin'...

but that's the dirtiest,

foulest thing to...

Daddy!

There seems to be only

one person in this house...

takin' this thing seriously,

and that's me.

Excuse me.

I'm the one that's pregnant.

You're gettin' snotty now

because of your hormones.

I'll talk to you later.

There's nothin' wrong

with my hormones.

I didn't say there was

anything wrong with 'em.

There's nothin' wrong

with 'em as such.

"Wrong" is the wrong word.

Imbalance is the term I'd use.

The result is snottiness

and depression.

Thank you, Professor Curley.

When your mummy was...

Times have changed.

Do you know that?

When your mummy was havin'

Craig, I was in work.

When she was havin' you,

I was at me mother's.

When she had Sonny,

I was in work as well.

Lisa... don't know where I was.

For Darren, I was

in the pub with the lads.

You have a great memory.

Nowadays, the husbands are

there with the wives, you know?

I think that's much better.

You know,

'cause they're able to...

hold their hands

and help them...

and encourage them

and see their child being born.

Sharon, I'd...

Now, this is only if you want.

I wouldn't mind staying

with ya when you're havin' him.

Ah, no.

OK.

You'll take it easy, Sharon,

now won't you?

Yeah, Daddy.

Whoo!

I'm pissed.

So am I.

Oh, I shouldn't be doin' this.

- What?

- Drinkin'! Ha ha ha!

Don't be thick, Sharon.

You need to get pissed

now and again.

There's no harm in it.

I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, Jesus. Come on.

No, I won't make it!

It'll hold.

I'll bring it out

in a minute and empty it.

Ha ha ha!

I'm goin' home.

Jesus. Is it startin'?

Yeah. No.

I just think...

- I want to go home.

- Come on.

Get out of me way,

you dopey gee-bag.

Come on, Sharon.

Excuse me.

Stop forcing me

We're comin' through!

It's my life

Jesus, sorry.

It'll wash off!

Here! Come back here, you!

He saw me, the prick.

The next one.

Yeah.

Here! Here! Look at...

I'm wringing, look it!

Get your own bleedin' taxi, you.

Is anything happening yet?

No. I'm sorry, Jackie.

Ah, feck off, will ya?

Hey! Taxi!

Oh, finally.

- Sorry.

- Shut up. Hang on.

Have you the money

to pay for this?

Oh, Jesus! Oh, f***.

Shite!

Come on, Darren!

Stupid bleedin' thing.

Come on!

Seven seconds down, lads!

Seven seconds! Nine seconds

down, lads. Come on!

Nine seconds!

Come on, give it a push!

One last go!

Come on, come on, paddy last!

Give it a lash!

Poor little bastard.

He'll saw the bollocks

off himself.

Hey, Burgess! Burgess!

You know what I'd like

to do with these...

don't you, Burgess, heh?

Snip snip.

Da, Da! Sharon thinks

she's havin' the baby.

She told me to tell you...

that her contraptions

have started.

Oh, Jesus.

Red alert! Red alert!

Come on, move it, will yous?

Get down the stairs, will ya?

Let's make a bit of room!

Lisa!

Is she gonna have a baby?

You get out of here,

you gobshite.

Make room there!

Lisa, go up and get her bag

for her, will ya?

Oh, and my toothbrush, Lisa.

Mind the step now, Sharon.

There you go.

The old hedge did need

a cuttin', didn't it? What?

Whoo-hoo.

So far, so good, huh?

Da, can I come with yous?

No, you can't.

Just relax.

You're in good hands, huh?

Ha ha ha!

There you go now.

Get in there now.

Mind your head.

Do you want to take

a few sandwiches?

Sandwiches?

It's a hospital we're goin' to,

not the pine forest.

Give it to her over that side.

Go on. Over there.

Does it really

hurt you, Sharon? Does it?

- Go away, you!

- You're dead.

Bye-bye, love.

Everything'll

be all right. Wait and see.

Right.

Give us a ring as soon

as you've any news, will ya?

I'll think about it.

Rollin', rollin', rollin'

Keep them doggies rollin'

Keep them doggies rollin',

Rawhide

Dad.

- Yes, love?

- Shut up.

OK.

Turn green, you bastards!

Can't expect them all

to be green, I suppose, what?

Good girl. It's only

the old cervix dilating.

It could happen to a bishop.

Here, look, Sharon.

You take this.

You can time the contractions.

That way we'll be able to tell

'em when we get there. What?

They'll be impressed with that.

Green!

Oh, my God. Sit back.

Take deep breaths.

Good girl.

Good deep breaths.

That's what I always do.

What? Ha ha ha!

We're nearly there,

nearly there.

Is this the way to Amarillo

I've been weeping

like a willow

Daddy.

Oh, sorry.

Get out of me way,

you dozy bollix!

Look at the head on him, what?

Up for the day, I tell ya.

Here we are.

We're there!

Jesus.

Come on, love.

You'll be all right.

You all right?

I've got it.

I have it, I have it. Go.

It's to speed up the dilation,

that's all.

When you see a drip

on the telly...

you know someone's

in big trouble, but not here.

It'll make your fanny relax.

Ha ha ha!

Is this your first?

Yeah. Oh, no, no.

It's, uh,

it's me first grandchild.

Is it your first?

No, me third.

Have you read this?

How long more?

Not too long now, love.

We're nearly there.

I can see

the baby's head, Sharon.

Is it big?

Ha ha ha!

Don't push, love.

It's too early.

Don't push. Breathe.

Can you feel that?

What?

Bingo. Hmm.

Thunderbirds are go.

You come out!

Good.

Right, Sharon, once more.

Push! Push!

That's it! Good! Push.

You're doin'great. Push!

What stopped beeping?

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