The Somewhat Normal Life Of Billie Boi (0.5th Draft) Page #4

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We cut to Sam and Bill driving in his driveway, they get out.

Sam:
For a guy complaining about a lack of money, You sure got a nice house.

Bill:
Well, It was my father’s, but he’s dead, and my mom ran out on us, so--

Sam:
Oh my god, I’m so sorry.

Bill:
Eh, It’s fine, she wasn’t the greatest mom anyway. She neglected us, and she just was way too sarcastic.

Sam:
Wow, Well, You turned out okay, I suppose.

Bill:
I suppose is the key word there.

Sam:
Why? You don’t think you turned out okay?

Bill:
Well, I suppose I did.

Sam (laughing):
You’re too cute.

Bill:
Let’s not get emotional over a Windows Vista computer, Sam.

Sam:
I’m surprised you even own one.

We cut to them climbing up into the attic.

Sam:
I need to go on the treadmill more.

Bill:
Why you say that?

Sam:
That felt like I just ran 28 miles.

Bill:
Let’s get to 29 shall we?

They laugh as they look for the computer.

Sam:
Where is this old thing?

Bill:
That’s not nice, It’s only 4 months old.

Tilly (in the attic with them): Meow?

Sam (Laughing):
I wasn’t calling her that!

Bill:
You wasn’t, now?

Sam (dusting off a box): A box labeled COMPUTER JUNK?

Bill:
That could be it--.

Sam:
No matter how bad the computer is, It is not junk, unless it is a Mac.

Bill:
I love Big Macs!

Sam:
Too bad Mcdonalds bit the dust.

Bill:
Well, Taking off 90% of their menu and replacing it with Asian style burgers with bones in them doesn’t really help them.

Sam:
I liked their bone-in burgers thank you very much!

Sam opens the box, A whole bunch of dust comes flying.

Sam:
Jesus Christ!

Bill:
What happened?

Sam:
You haven’t opened these boxes in years, have you?

Bill:
Not since 2009.

Sam:
That’s not that long ago, actually.

Bill:
I wasn’t born that long ago, either.

Sam:
How old are you?

Bill:
31.

Sam:
I’m 29.

Bill (making a joke): Shoot, looks like a match in heaven.

Sam:
Only 2 years!

Bill:
My dad was 34, My mom was 55, She was one of the longest living people of all time.

Sam:
My aunt is 134.

Bill:
Jesus Christ.

Sam:
The crap they put in those aspirin pills and allergy relief medicine.

Sam finds the PC.

Sam (pulling the PC out of the box): Jesus, You poor baby.

Bill (walking towards her): Jesus, It is bigger than I remember.

Sam:
PCs tend to be smaller nowadays, Their still bigger than my ex’s house though.

Bill:
Smaller, Huh?

Sam:
Yeah.

Bill:
Back in the day, they told me this was tiny.

Sam:
It was (small) compared to the PCs of those years.

Bill:
Oh, Yeah it was.

Sam (grabbing cables): This PC has the most cables I’ve seen for any electronic I’ve ever seen.

Bill:
That means--

Sam:
We’ve had over 700 PCS in the 11 years the Smith Tax and Job Site services.

Bill:
You began working there at 18?

Sam:
At 13, I dropped out of Middle School, and went to Eletronica Enterprises, a college all about PCs and crap like that. I graduated at 15, and worked at the Smith Labs as a Janitor until I was 18, where I was promoted and moved to the Job Site to be a receptionist/electronics manager.

Bill:
That really is a step up from Janitor, huh?

Sam:
Yeah, I didn’t think much of it back in the day, but Yeah. It is.

Bill:
It is. I’m--

Sam (dropping the PC): Crap!

The PC shatters into a million pieces.

Bill:
I think it had a virus on it, anyway. It was slow too.

Sam (looking at the parts, grabbing the bent up and destroyed motherboard): The reason why it was so small and slow was because the motherboard had a lot of sacrifices on Ram and Storage to make it small, and they still had to mess it up. I have no clue how in god’s name you were able to run GTA IV on it.

Bill:
It crashed almost every time I played it for more than 7 seconds. It was on the lowest possible settings too! I had to mod the game to make the settings even lower!

Sam:
How did you mod it to do that?

Bill:
A lot of chicken livers and grape soda with salt and pepper and bacon flavoring in the soda gave me enough energy to, I guess.

Sam:
Bacon flavored Grape Soda?

Bill:
It was a homemade soda, You want a cup of it?

Sam (grabbing some of the pieces): I’ll take it to go.

Bill (running down to make it): I’m on it.

Sam:
You like chicken livers?

We cut to Sam and Bill dragging another (huge) Mac into the room. Sam is drinking her soda.

Sam:
This is actually pretty good.

Bill (heavily breathing due to him dragging the Mac): What did I tell ya?

They put it down.

Bill:
We got really lucky for Goodwill to be selling a Mac with all its cord for 10$!

Sam:
It is still a Mac, I still freaking hate it.

They plug it up, and turn it on. It does nothing.

Sam:
Of course.

It loudly turns on.

Bill (jumping):
Jesus Christ!

Sam (drinking her drink): Well, You got a Mac.

Bill:
Thanks for the help.

Sam:
I’m sorry for breaking your outdated, non-working PC.

Bill:
As you said, It didn’t work, I’ll just sell the parts, and I’d probably get more money for selling the parts separately than selling the PC by itself!

Sam:
You would get more money for the parts, You’re right.

Bill:
PC selling is weird.

We cut to Miles on the phone with a lawyer named Dian (male).

Miles:
So, I can get it all back?!

Dian:
If the files are correct, Yes. You have the right to--

Miles:
Oh my god, thank you! Oh my god!

Miles hangs up.

Miles (throwing a whole bunch of pennies on the ground): I’M RICH! I’M RICH! I’M GETTING IT ALL--!

Miles is ran over by Field driving in a semi-truck.

Field:
What was that?!

Field gets out, and sees an injured Miles.

Miles:
Field?

Field:
Aye, Miles. What happened?

Miles:
You ran over me!

Field:
I did?

Miles:
What does it look like?!

Field:
I dunno, I guess a man with tire marks on his shirt and pants.

Miles:
I can’t feel my feet! I can’t feel my feet, man!

Field:
Oh god! I can’t have a lawsuit on my hands! My business will be dead in the water--

Miles:
Oh, You don’t have to worry about the lawsuit, You have to worry about what you don’t want.

Field:
No! Please No!

Miles (laughing): And I want every last bit of what you got.

We cut to several weeks later, the 24th of December. Field, May (Field’s wife), Miles’ Ex-Wife Angelina (Miles died from injuries), Bill, Lo, Sam, Tim (Miles’ best friend who was in the back seat), Jay (Miles’ lawyer), judge Jimmy Watson, and witness Heather.

Jim:
Heather Green, What do you have to say about this man?

Field (in handcuffs on a desk near Bill and Sam, who are not handcuffed): I didn’t do nothing--!

Jim:
SILENCE!

Heather:
Field was an employer who stole over 45% of income from my business for recruiting a man I fired within a day! He still takes 45%, and he hasn’t even talked to me since!

Field:
You liar!

Jim (banging hammer): I SAID SILENCE! I call Billie Bob Norton to the stand.

Heather goes to the side with lawyer Jay Simmens, Angelina, Lo and Tim. Bill goes to the stand.

Jay:
Okay, Billie Bob, What do you have to say about this incident?

Bill (laughing):
Incident? Sir, A man died. Look, I barely know this man, other than the fact he hired me as a tax guy--

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