The Squid and the Whale Page #3

F*** joint custody.

- ls Mom letting you drink soda?

- Beer.

- Since when do you drink beer?

- Since recently.

You think Don and she did it?

- I don't wanna think about it.

- lmagine Don's dick in Mom's mouth.

- Who are you? Stop it.

- Do you think they do that?

- You think she gets anal sex from Don?

- Stop, okay.

It's disgusting.

Don't.

- We have the same bone structure.

- No.

You have your dad's features.

Really?

- F*** it.

- Frank.

- I thought I had your bone structure.

- No.

You're ugly.

Pickle, why would you say that?

Because I think it's true.

I think Carl thinks you're ugly.

I'm not though, sweetie.

- I found out something last night.

- What's that?

That your dad was f***ing my mom.

- What?

- You heard me.

Supposedly going on for a year

or so about two years ago.

- I'm so horrified by this.

- Thanks.

No, I don't mean by your mom.

She's very attractive.

It was just an affair. A f***.

We're not gonna be brothers.

She said your dad's pretty f***ed up with women.

Why'd she sleep with him then?

I don't know.

Because she's an a**hole.

I read The Metamorphosis.

You were right, it's great.

Yeah. So bizarre. What do you think is

happening at the end, with the sister?

Yeah, I think she's....

- I mean, it's ambiguous, really.

- Yeah.

I mean, it's gross when he turns into a bug...

...but I love how matter-of-fact

everything is.

Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.

- Because it's written by Franz Kafka.

- Right.

- No, I mean, clearly.

- It would have to be.

You're shoving the whole tongue in me.

No, it's okay. Just do it a little--

Like, little licks.

- Like this?

- Yeah.

I wish you didn't have

so many freckles on your face.

Not really, though.

I'm feeling kind of feverish.

- Do we have any Tylenol?

- I don't know.

- I didn't see any.

- Then there isn't any.

Can we get some?

- ls this enough?

- Get a small one.

Three fifty-seven.

- I don't have enough money.

- Okay.

- I got it.

- You have any change?

Wanna play Ping-Pong?

- I'm gonna lie down.

- One game.

- F***ing sh*t.

- Nineteen-7.

Have you given more thought

to what you're interested in?

Come on.

You have to try.

It's no fun for me if you don't try.

- I wanna be a tennis pro like Ivan.

- You don't wanna be a tennis pro.

- Why not?

- It's not serious.

I mean, McEnroe.

Borg is an artist. It's like dance.

Connors has a brilliance.

But at Ivan's level....

Ivan is fine, but he's not a serious guy.

- He's a philistine.

- What's a philistine?

It's a guy who doesn't care about

books or interesting films and things.

Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.

- Then I'm a philistine.

- No.

You're interested in books and things.

Liked The Wild Child when we saw it.

Lots of people liked that movie.

No, I'm a philistine.

When am I going to meet the famous Sophie?

I don't know. She's not gorgeous,

but she's cute.

You have plenty of time

to sleep with gorgeous women.

Goddamn it!

They fell on the floor.

When my first novel came out,

I had a lot of opportunities.

I was with your mother, so I didn't partake.

I've never had an affair with a student,

though many have come on to me.

That's why you might not wanna be

attached at your age.

It sounds like Sophie's good for now.

- Why'd you yell, "Goddamn it"?

- I burned myself.

The cutlets are great.

Dad, did you hear from that agent?

- Not yet.

- But if he likes your novel...

- ...then you get it published.

- Basically.

What happened to your old agent, Fred?

He pissed me off.

Made a disparaging remark

about the Knicks at a party.

Said they played like thugs.

I found it offensive.

He's kind of a jerk.

It was important

to your mother that I achieve...

...some sort of commercial success.

And when I didn't meet

her expectations in that area....

You're going to witness

a Greenberg family tradition.

Friday night Chinese at Hunan Palace.

I hope you're prepared.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Why'd you let go of my hand?

- What?

- When we passed Wendy, you let go.

I didn't realize.

Walt, anything you'd like to order?

I'm happy to have the same amount

of dishes as people.

It's always one dish less the number of people.

That's our family tradition,

not ordering enough food.

- That's funny. Oh, he's funny, Sophie.

- I know.

- You're early.

- Hi, Joan.

- Don't feed him the generic stuff.

- What?

Frank says you're feeding the cat generic food.

Get Purina, it's what he likes.

- It's the same damn thing.

- It's not, but--

He's my cat too.

Remember when he got stuck in a wall

in New Hampshire and I rescued him?

- I know how to handle him.

- It was a radiator.

- What?

- He got stuck in a radiator.

You trimmed your beard.

Yeah, it was starting to get a little feral.

- You look well.

- Yeah?

- Thanks.

- Things are good here.

Teaching is going well.

And I'm playing the best tennis of my life.

Maybe that's an illusion...

...but it feels that way.

That's good.

I was thinking we should sit together

at Walt's performance next month.

- Okay.

- It'd be nice for him...

...if we're both there together.

Maybe we could all go out afterwards.

I don't know. Maybe.

Okay, maybe.

I think he's getting good at guitar.

I know.

The stuff he's writing is really wonderful.

- Have you met his girlfriend?

- No. He talks about her...

- ...with me, though.

- Good.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't...

...tell him about things like Richard.

My father told me you called him.

I did, yeah.

He said you....

- He said you were upset.

- Yeah.

I wanted to....

I like him.

You know that.

I just wanted to say--

I don't know.

I just wanted to say hello.

He called me right after. He said:

"Bernie, I think you can save

your marriage."

I told him...

...I didn't think there was anything else

I could do.

I did try everything.

Bye, Bernard.

Bernard?

I was wondering if you knew of any apartments.

I'm being kicked out of my sublet.

Unless I, I don't know,

blow the super, I'm out on my ass.

Oh, I don't. No.

I guess you don't know either, huh?

No.

I have an extra room in my house.

You could stay till you find something.

You wouldn't have to blow your super.

I guess....

- I'd hate to put you out.

- No, no.

- Or your kids.

- No. No.

The Mother and the Whore.

- Looks like a cool movie.

- A classic.

- I had it in my room.

- Bathroom is across the hall.

You'll share with the kids.

They can use mine.

I don't care. As long as Walt

remembers to put the seat down.

Thank you, Bernard.

Thank you, Walt.

- Joan says you don't like your sheets.

- They're fine.

And you disapprove of the food I feed the cat.

You should tell me these things, not her.

- F***!

- Fifteen.

Fifteen-20.

- Motherf***er!

- My serve.

- I wasn't ready.

- Yes, you were.

Frank, I was not ready.

This is Mother Hubbard. There is

nothing to eat or drink. No soda.

- We're not allowed soda.

- Goddamn it!

I guess there's two kinds of parents:

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote