The Squid and the Whale Page #4

Those who allow soda and sugar

cereal, and those who don't.

We're not supposed to use paper towels

to wipe our hands. Cloth is for that.

You're cute.

Thanks.

I don't believe this sh*t.

- Sh*t!

- Good game.

It's hard to beat your father.

Hey!

- Watch it!

- Suck my dick, ass man.

- Where you going?

- The movies.

And then to a party with Sophie.

- What are you gonna do?

- I don't know.

Frank won't leave his room.

He's being difficult.

You wanna come to the movie?

Okay.

Not the party, but the movie.

So we were thinking Short Circuit.

Blue Velvet is supposed to be quite interesting.

I love you! Love me!

He put his disease in me.

Tell me it's all right.

I opened myself to you.

No.

Stop, Frank.

No.

A student of mine writes

very racy short stories you might like.

She has one that chronicles her vagina.

- Dad.

- That sounds interesting.

Very feminist, but very interesting.

Frank, I'm back.

Frank?

Frank?

- What were you doing?

- I was going to Mom's.

You don't do that on my night.

Ever. You hear me?

- Yes.

- I'm your father.

You listen to what I say.

- But you were out.

- It's still my night, damn it.

Okay, okay.

Sh*t! Someone's taken my space.

- Goddamn it. Son of a b*tch.

- Sorry.

Frank!

Hello?

Hello?

Frank, what are you doing here?

It's not your night with me.

- I don't wanna look like Dad.

- Looks aren't everything.

It's not your night with me, sweetie.

- Did you have a party?

- I celebrated.

Knopf is publishing my novel.

Pickle, you should be at your dad's.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I need some nights without you guys sometimes.

What's up, brother?

Nothing.

Hello?

He just took off and went to your

mother's. It's my night, he knows that.

You think we could ease up

on whose night is whose?

I wanna see you guys. I love you.

Did you like Sophie?

Yeah. I think she's fine.

Is she a Knicks fan?

I don't know.

- You think she's pretty?

- Sure, yeah.

But she's not the type I go for.

You just have to decide

if you wanna be attached.

It's good to play the field at your age.

Lili is pretty.

Would you go ring the bell?

I hate walking up those steps.

It's very uncomfortable for me.

Very painful.

I used to live in this house.

As you know.

Your dad and Walt are here. They're

gonna take you back to Bernard's.

- I'll be right out.

- I'm sorry about--

I'm sorry about your seeing Ivan like this.

I would've liked to have told you

before you saw him.

Your mother.

I wanted to talk about Ivan

so you don't hear it from anyone else.

Frank may have already said something.

Yeah, he did.

I've been seeing him a short time.

But I like him.

And I thought you guys should know that.

- And do you have any questions?

- No.

There was something else I was gonna say.

I ran into Celia, Lance's mother,

on the street...

...and she was telling me

how wonderful she thinks you are.

How polite and funny and....

She said you did something

with the salt and pepper shakers.

- A little play or something?

- Yeah. It was kind of stupid.

I said, "I already know all those things

about him. But it's nice to hear it."

I remember what else I was gonna say.

I wanted to know if you'd be interested...

...in coming to dinner Saturday.

I'm having the Dicksteins over--

No. I'm going to a party on Saturday.

I'm sleeping at Jeffrey's.

- That's okay.

- I'm gonna go to bed.

Okay. Good night, Chicken.

Night.

- You think she likes you?

- I get a feeling, yeah.

- What about Sophie?

- If I can lose it to Lili, I'll do it.

I mean, I bet she's great in bed.

She can probably move

her p*ssy muscles the right way...

- ...so you blow your load in seconds.

- Yeah. It'd be pretty great.

Maybe do them both. Why not?

Hey, brother.

How's the grip?

- Do you think you and I are philistines?

- Frank.

What's a philistine?

Someone who doesn't like books

or interesting movies or things.

- You're still here. It's my night.

- I know.

I just thought I'd watch him hit.

You married?

No.

The whole thing's very complicated.

Mom's dating Ivan.

Really?

- Ivan, back there Ivan?

- Yeah.

Are you sure?

Why didn't you say something?

Why is your mother dating all these jocks?

- Very uninteresting men.

- Ivan is very interesting.

Ivan's not a serious possibility

for your mother.

I think he is.

I don't wanna badmouth Ivan.

But I don't know what Joan is thinking.

- I think Ivan--

- Frank.

- Sorry. Is that too hard?

- Yeah, a bit. A bit.

Okay.

Is that better?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's good. That's--

I guess....

I don't know what....

- Why that happened.

- Oh, it's okay. Yeah.

- It's okay.

- Okay.

- Sh*t. Sorry.

- Don't be sorry.

I don't know why I didn't last.

I usually go longer.

It's okay. I guess

I can take it as a compliment.

Did you take your shirt off for Nelson Barton?

- I don't wanna talk about it, Walt.

- It's important.

- Why is it important?

- I need to know what happened.

Well, he felt me up, and I touched him.

- Down his pants?

- Walt, yeah.

I just....

From what I could tell, not an intellectual.

I'm a virgin.

So am I.

- When's your next book coming out?

- Soon, I hope. Soon.

- Who's publishing it?

- Well, I'm looking for a new agent first.

A friend of mine's an agent with Binky Urban.

- If you like, I'll show it to him.

- Oh, that'd be great.

Hello?

- Could I stay the night at Sophie's?

- Thanks for doing that.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Or Tuesday. I'll see you Tuesday.

- You don't need me home for anything?

- No. Everything's fine.

If you're interested,

Walt and I are taking a road trip...

...to SUNY Binghamton

in a couple of weekends.

I'm giving a reading. And an

ex-student of mine, now friend...

...Jeb Gelber, is feting me

with a dinner.

Excellent.

You should read the cathedral scene

from Underwater.

I've done that one a lot.

I thought I'd do something new.

But okay, well, maybe.

Sorry, my nose is running.

I'm your teacher.

I've wondered for a long time

what it'd be like to f*** you.

I think we should wait.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, let's wait.

Okay, up next, Walt Berkman...

...who is going to play us a song.

Thank you.

I'm going to play lead guitar

and do vocals on a song I wrote.

- That song was so good!

- Thank you.

Oh, Dad, you remember Sophie.

- And Lili.

- Hi.

- How much did you win?

- Hundred bucks.

Come by my room tonight before you go to bed.

- I wanna show you something.

- Okay.

And this is my mom and Frank and Ivan.

Hi.

- Some song, brother.

- Thanks.

Hey, Bernard.

I thought we'd have dinner.

Ivan suggested Gage & Tollner. We'd

celebrate my book and your song.

- I'm gonna go with Dad.

- Well, your dad and I...

- ...talked about all of us going.

- I don't wanna do that. See you.

Ivan and I came to see your show.

Don't treat us that way.

You think you hate me, but I know you don't.

Where'd you come up with those lyrics?

They were very dreamlike.

Reminds me of my second novel, End of the Line.

- A rock-star character in that.

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