The Stag Page #4

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- I left.

- No!

- He left.

- You are Irish, right?

- What's that got to do with it?

Ah-ah-ah-ah, Private

Gav, fight your own war.

You know, Cyborg, one day,

at some point in your life,

you are going to find yourself

listening to a U2 song

with tears pouring down your cheeks

and on that day, for it

will come, my friend...

I want you to remember this face.

- What the f*** is wrong with him?

- Chill out.

This face.

I'm going to be there, Cyborg.

- Well, I'm going back.

- I'm going back.

- No, no, you're not.

- Simon, Davin, come on.

Go, go.

Go.

I was reading this thing

in "The Guardian"

about the difference between

mushrooms and toadstools.

Apparently, there's only one

toadstool that isn't poisonous

and it either is red,

or it isn't red.

I can't remember.

Fionan, have you told them

your story about Bikram yoga?

I had a panic attack and

they asked me to leave.

Why did you even do bikram

if you're not obese?

I'm not obese because I did bikram.

You did it one time and

you had a panic attack.

Once was enough.

"There's been a lot of talk

about this next song."

- That's a grave.

- "This song is not a rebel song."

This song is "Sunday,

Bloody Sunday."

We got a concert.

Simon, I'll make a deal with you.

When you design a website

that has the same

raw, emotional power as a U2 song,

then you can climb up here and

shout out the HTML code. Send.

I do more than design websites and

I don't even write HTML code.

That, like U2, stopped being

important about 20 years ago.

In fact, like U2,

it's now something

that can be replicated

by a piece of software.

Brain or heart?

- What?

- Pick an organ, brain or heart?

I get one?

- You get one.

- Brain.

Okay, do you prefer

machines to humans?

Sometimes, yes.

What do you drive?

I drive a 2012 BMW X5.

Show me the keys.

Throw them up.

When you've finished desecrating

that famine memorial

and you come down,

I will let you inspect them.

Are you afraid I will

laugh at how you throw?

If that's what you're worried

about let me assure you

that is 1,000% what

I'm going to do.

No, don't throw them, Simon...

Argh!

Are you kidding me?!

Oh, Jesus! They're gone!

- They're gone! They're gone!

- Well done, Simon.

- Why didn't you catch them?

- You threw them like an idiot.

What does your brain

say you should do?

My heart agrees with you.

That's a big rock to start with.

Okay, maybe we should just

pitch camp here for the night.

Yeah, let's stop for the night.

I saw a nice little lake over there

if anyone wants to clean up.

- We are extremely filthy.

- You guys go. I'll pitch the tent.

I'll pitch the tent, Fionan. A bit

more experience in that area.

- So you go on with them.

- I can pitch a tent, FYI.

I know you can, but we're losing the

light and we need to get it up fast.

- So I'm happy to take it.

- I can pitch it just as fast.

I have a number of the relevant

proficiency badges from the scouts.

A number of what?

Proficiency badges.

Proficiency badges, erm, okay.

Just hand it over. Give it to me.

Okay.

- Lads.

- No, let's have this one play out.

Okay, I'm going to take it.

- It's going to be like that, is it?

- It appears to be like that.

- You're being a bit of a child now.

- Bun, you're the child here.

What? Why? Just give it to me.

- Bun?

- Davin's nickname.

In primary school, someone threw

a bun at his head in the canteen

and it stuck.

The nickname, that is. And the bun.

Just give it to me. Oh my

God, is that an eagle?

- That was so easy. Too easy.

- Fine, you can co-pitch it.

- But I hold the plans.

- I don't need plans.

Why don't you go get the

little ground pegs?

Bun...

Hey.

Ah, freezing.

Your sister's great.

I love, Ruth. My brother

is a lucky man.

He didn't just get

lucky, Tiny Kevin.

It's more like he broke

the whole f***ing casino.

You boys looking forward

to the big day?

Actually, I won't be

there on the big day.

- I thought you two were coupled up.

- Six years.

Explain.

- It's my dad.

- What's he got to do with it?

He's never really been able to get

his head around the whole gay thing.

Continue.

He's never really

been able to accept

my homosexuality and my

partner, which is Kevin.

And?

My dad's an old man from a previous

generation. It's different times.

And?

He says he won't be coming to the

wedding if I'm at the wedding.

- He doesn't approve of me.

- And?

I've never met him.

It's a really tricky

situation for Fionan.

I mean, I've lived with

this, but it's his wedding.

I mean, if my dad doesn't go,

does my mum go on her own? It's...

It's a nightmare for Fionan.

Yeah, Fionan needs to man up

and bring it to the old boy.

End of story.

How do you want your steaks?

Fiona-la-cakes.

I was talking to the Kevs

here about the wedding plans.

I'm cooking my own if anyone

wants theirs done by me.

Why don't we ask them who they'd

prefer to have cook their steaks?

Me who did a course in

barbecue science, or...

Neither of you two clowns

are going near my meat.

- I'd rather eat it raw.

- You're not getting in there.

That's liquid ice.

No sneaky boners.

And I'm looking at you, Photoshop.

He's gone.

Yeah! Whoo!

- No, he's back.

- Come on, boys! Ha-ha!

- Where's Adobe Illustrator?

- You mean Simon? He's gone to bed.

- That's cheating.

- No, leave him alone honestly.

It's the same rules for every man.

He's going through a

hard time at the moment.

- How so?

- His business is struggling.

- I didn't know that.

- I had a look at his situation.

- It's not great.

- Not great how?

They're in deep sh*t. Poor guy can't

sleep. He's taking Valium and Xanax.

- They're worried about the house.

- Did you know that?

- No.

- Come here.

- The Machine, seriously.

- The Machine, just leave it.

- The Machine! He's going.

- Go back to the fire.

It's just me and you now.

How are you doing?

- Grand.

- So what do you owe?

- Owe? What are you talking about?

- Your company's debt.

- What have you been telling him?

- It was Big Kevin!

Look me in the eye and

just tell me what you owe.

- I'm not telling you what I owe.

- Why not?

Why would I tell you what I owe?

Why wouldn't you tell me what

you owe? Give me a number.

- No. No.

- Do it. Do it.

Higher or lower than three mil?

What?

- Lower?

- 2.5.

- Lower.

- Two?

- Lower.

- 1.5 mil?

- Lower.

- You're in a for a mil?

- No, you're still a way off.

- Okay, what, lower than a mil?

- What, 800?

- No.

700?

- 650?

- Oh, my God.

Six? 550?

Five? 450?

- Four? 375?

- No!

Look, okay, I owe just

under 250,000 euro

and that's with everything

leveraged to the hilt!

I'm finished, okay?

Are you happy now?

Okay.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Honestly, I know how you feel.

- You do?

- Believe me.

So how much do you owe?

Like half a million

or something nuts?

North of that.

800,000?

Due north?

- A million?

- Keep travelling north.

- A million and a half?

- Northward.

- One and three quarter million?

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