The Stag Page #5

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- North.

TWO:

- 2 million.

- Bingo.

My money, all of my money...

I don't have any money.

Oh...

- Oh, my God.

- Isn't that insane?

Do you want a beaker of whisky?

I do.

You do. Of course you do.

- Just go out and join the lads.

- All right.

Coming.

Yes, so, erm... Yeah, it turned

out to be... It was... It was...

- Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, Simon.

Hey!

There you go, Facebook.

Right.

You know, fellas...

You couldn't put a price on this.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my sweet God, no.

- You are not masturbating in here.

- Why not? I can't sleep.

Because it's disgusting

is why. Just eugh.

If I don't pull one through,

I'm not getting to sleep.

- No way.

- Not here.

Okay, look, two options.

A, I crack one off nice and quick,

just a straight-up very functional

little number into a sock

or what not and we

all get to sleep.

B, I fall asleep and my mind

supplies me with fantasies

that require me to grind

against the nearest object,

in which case that is you,

but we're almost family now,

so that's, you know...

A or B, you call it.

Outside, surely.

Outside is the compromise here.

I have a little hash

if you can't sleep.

I find that usually does the trick.

It's not a neither nor, is it?

Outside.

Two minutes.

- He's an animal.

- He can hear you.

It doesn't matter.

He'll be flattered to hear that.

I am flattered, hugely.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sweet mystery.

Oh, my lady.

Oh, don't neglect the balls here.

- Jesus Christ!

- Oh, my God! Oh!

- Come on.

- Further away! Further away!

Jesus!

Fire.

Fire!

Argh! It's on my ass!

It's on my ass! F***!

- Is everyone okay?

- Oh, my God, did you see that?

See it? We were inside

the tent, The Machine!

- Inside the fire!

- That was so beautiful.

- It was like voodoo magic.

- Okay, what the f*** did you do?

Yeah, I suppose a hot rock

must have landed on it.

Little f***er, didn't see it.

But there's a nodge left, Big Kevin.

Enough for a few more,

so that's a result.

A result? We nearly f***ing

died, The Machine!

Perfectly aware of that, Slick,

and I will grant you that

from a certain perspective that

I had an involvement in it,

but let's move on. Now, lodgings.

You just destroyed our property.

Officially it belonged

to the Girl Guides.

- He can't just do that!

- Do what?

Act like that! Like, like, like...

- Like what?

- We nearly died.

Fionan, you're repeating yourself

a tiny bit. You want to grab a seat?

I would f***ing kill you

right now if I could.

I hate you so much.

We all do. We hate you!

- You're ruining this whole thing!

- What is this whole thing?

A stag!

Finally.

Finally... What?

Oh, my God. Look at it.

Okay, this is just a bit freaky,

but that looks like

a pair of b*obs.

Those bright stars, that's

your nipples right there.

- Big beautiful b*obs.

- Go to sleep.

- How did you do that?

- I got up early. Couldn't sleep.

Thinking about our heritage

and what it means to me,

I had to rebuild this thing.

You didn't source some fabric and

stitch us a new tent, did you?

No, Bilbo Baggins, I did not.

We should get moving.

Mordor awaits.

- But it doesn't make any sense.

- What do you mean?

But it's spelt see-gees.

- Segue!

- But it doesn't make... Why is it?

It's S-E-G-U-E,

so I call it see-gee.

Sometimes things are different

to the way they're spelt.

Oh, my giddy aunt. That, my

friends, is a f***ing bull.

- Erm...

- Oh...

No!

Oh, I can't watch.

Oh, Jesus.

Do not look me in the eye, Mr Bull.

- He made it.

- Of course he made it.

Come on!

Okay.

Let's go through the woods.

Ow, ow, ow.

This is what happens when

we turn off our phones.

Oh, Jesus, Kevin! Savage!

I told you, nature is bullshit.

Okay, okay, okay.

Now, this, I will grant you,

is a slightly different proposition.

Does anyone want to touch it to see

what we're dealing with volts wise?

No.

- Can you feel anything?

- I can hear it.

- Ah! Oh, f***!

- Oh, whoa!

Whoo! How was it for you,

Enormous Kevin?

It's unbelievably electric.

Well, we can't get under it.

- And we can't get over it.

- Wait, now.

It's a straight-up vault, boys.

I'm telling you.

Let's see.

We can do this. Stand back,

lads. Watch yourselves.

What you need is you need a

bit of a run-up into it.

You've got to commit.

You've got to come at a

pace with a bit of zip.

It's physics.

Okay.

Yup.

No!

- Oh, Jesus! Argh!

- Oh!

- Oh, my God.

- Argh!

- The Machine, are you okay?

- One of us has to help him. Go.

- It's on my face!

- Okay, let's...

- Okay, come on.

- Argh!

Argh!

Argh! Argh! Argh! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh.

- Oh, God.

- Are you all right?

- I didn't make it, boys.

- No.

No.

I'll follow. You go on. You go. Go.

Yeah, but it isn't meaningless.

It seems to me

that it takes me liking something

in order for you to like it.

And then you have to like it and

you have to like it more than me.

You have to beat me at

liking it. It's ridiculous.

- It is. I'll give you that.

- You should think about it.

Okay, I will. Give me an example.

- An example?

- An example.

Example, okay. "The Sopranos".

You saw the show first.

It doesn't mean you own it.

I'm not saying I own it. I'm

saying that your opinion of it

was informed entirely, I

think, by what my opinion was

and just to be clear,

I'm not saying I saw it first.

You didn't decide you liked it

until I decided that I liked it.

I thought the first few episodes...

That show emerged fully formed...

According to you.

Give me another example.

Another example is the

example of risotto.

Okay, for a long time, I thought

I was allergic to Arborio rice.

- I thought they were little nuts.

- I can't even comment on that.

Let's talk about

"Mulholland Drive".

Let's talk about

"Mulholland Drive".

You can simultaneously love and hate

that film. That's the whole point.

- Listen to yourself.

- I am listening to myself.

What about Vespas?

I get a Vespa. You get a Vespa.

Right, bad news, Davin, other

people in the world own Vespas.

I got to Goa. You got to Goa.

You love Goa. You're moving to Goa.

You own an Indian province?

When did that happen?

Do you know what? I think

I'm going to hate something

that I actually like just to

see if you start liking it.

And I'm going to pretend to hate it.

You'll have to continue pretending

- to like the thing that you hate.

- Sorry, what?

I don't know. I'm cold.

Risotto.

- What is it?

- It's a bothy.

It's an old communal shelter.

We'll build a shelter

inside the shelter.

I got electrocuted in my

mouth, in the tongue.

That sh*t was sore.

Glad to be of service.

Yeah.

- Bun, yeah?

- Yeah.

Yeah, stupid nickname.

I can see why you'd like it.

Not that many Buns in the world.

- No.

- Ruth dated a Bun.

A long time ago. It was brief.

After she broke up with

him, she came to me.

This fella Bun was really cut up.

She felt guilty about it, wanted to

know if she could make it better.

What could I say?

It takes a man a long time to

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