The Stag Page #6

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get over that kind of thing.

Yeah, not that many

Buns in the world.

That's what I call a best man.

Do you know, it wouldn't be a stag

without some element of boldness.

I have to be honest and

say that I didn't think

there would be a right

time, but er...

Oh!

- What is that?

- MDMA.

What, like the bank?

Um, this is a drug, like ecstasy.

- I've never really done that sh*t.

- I think you'd like it.

It can connect people to their

softer, more feminine side.

Go on, The Machine. Go on.

Come on.

Yeah!

I don't feel anything.

It's in the post.

Funny taste in it.

It's like sherbet dip.

- I feel like a blanket.

- We don't have any blankets.

No, I actually feel like a blanket,

like I resemble a blanket.

All furry. Do you want

me to lie on you?

That's really kind

of you... but no.

Okay.

So what's your story, The Machine?

- Like do you have a family?

- I did.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, they're totally

alive, or whatever.

I didn't know you

were having problems.

- I know you didn't.

- Anything I can do.

The first thing you can do is not

mention a word of this to Ruth.

I don't want her going

up the aisle thinking

I've just been f***ed back down it.

Yeah, sure, The Machine.

Oh, Jesus, I've got to turn it

around before your big day.

Somehow, I mean...

I can't pitch up solo. Just...

So what happened, The Machine?

Well, as I'm sure most of you

overheard the other night,

right now financially I am up sh*t

creek with a turd for a paddle.

- Two million.

- I was under some serious pressure.

And the drinking, well, it was...

it was on an upward trajectory.

I was invited to the

races in Deauville

in France on a bit of a corporate.

I had two horses come in and we

were poured back onto the plane

from Paris. I needed to go

to the toilet, like badly,

and the seatbelt light wasn't going

off and the stewardess is all like,

"Le turbulence! Le seatbelt!

Le turbulence!"

And I'm like, "Je piss

maintenant! Je piss!"

"Le turbulence!" So I just kind

of get up and, you know, go.

What do you mean "go"?

I did a Gerry Depardieu on it,

if you know what I'm talking about.

You urinated into a

bottle on an aeroplane?

Depardieu had a bottle?

I got arrested, thrown

off the aeroplane.

I got thrown into the

f***ing clink for 24 hours.

I had to get back to Ireland by land

and sea and when I got back home,

Rachel had changed the locks.

Now I can't see the kids.

Okay, so, er, what

did you say to her?

"Rachel, why are you being

such a dick about this?

"You've got a massive stick up

your hole about this one issue.

"I love the sh*t out of you

and you know that, yeah?"

What were the exact words you used?

That's verbatim 'cause I wrote it

down so I would totally nail it.

Did you apologise?

I don't think I busted out

an actual apology per se,

but she... should know that I am...

totally... filled with

regret or whatever.

You can't say the words, can you?

- What?

- Sorry, you can't say sorry.

- That's ridiculous.

- Say it, then.

- No.

- Why not?

- 'Cause I'm not feeling it.

- Hey, I know.

Davin... you stand up and be

his lawfully-wedded wife.

- Absolutely not.

- Shut this sh*t down, Kevin.

You have one week to

turn this thing around.

Bun, get up.

Come on, Bun.

Okay, now, look at

your beautiful wife

and tell her that you

are sorry and mean it.

- Okay.

- That's Gavin.

- Davin.

- Bun.

Just pretend.

- This is very gay.

- You have one week. Be a man.

Yeah, okay.

Rachel...

- Why are you being such a dick?

- No, no, no.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Rachel...

- The seatbelt light...

- No, say it.

Come on.

Mistakes were made.

There has to be music!

I need it in my earholes.

Please, just someone sing me anything.

Just something, anything!

He's right. What are we doing,

taking this stuff without music?

It's highly irresponsible.

Ho, row, the rattlin' bog,

the bog down in the valley-oh

Ho, row, the rattlin' bog,

the bog down in the valley-oh

Now, in that bog,

there was a tree

A rare tree, a rattlin' tree

The tree in the bog and the

bog down in the valley-oh!

- Hey!

- Ho, row, the rattlin' bog...

Frre Jacques, frre Jacques

Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques

- Sonnez les matinee

- Sonnez les matinee

- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques

- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques

- Sonnez les matinee

- Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

- Frre Jacques, frre Jacques

Ding, dang, dong,

ding, dang, dong

The Camptown ladies sing

this song, doo-da, doo-da

The Camptown racetrack's

five miles long, oh, doo-da-day

Going to run all night,

going to run all day

I bet my money on a bob-tailed

nag, somebody bet on the bay

- Davin, don't be p*ssy. Your turn.

- No, I can't sing.

- Come on!

- Come on, Gav!

Er, okay.

On Raglan Road

On an autumn day I saw her first

And knew that her dark hair

Would weave a snare

That I might one day rue

I saw the danger yet I walked

Along the enchanted way

And I said let grief

Be a fallen leaf

At the dawning of the day

On Grafton Street

In November

We tripped lightly

along the ledge

Of a deep ravine

Where can be seen

The worth of passions pledged

The Queen of Hearts

Still making tarts

And I'm not making

Hay

Well, I loved too much

And such by such

Is happiness

Thrown away

On a quiet street

Where old ghosts meet

I watch her walking now

Away from me

So hurriedly

My reason...

I can't remember the rest.

That was deadly, Bun.

What are you doing?

- We passed a lake.

- Way back.

More of a pond, really.

- Where's he going?

- He's going for a swim.

I need water on my body.

- F*** it.

- This is so f***ing insane.

Why don't we walk there in our

clothes and then take them off?

Because, Fionan...

Oh.

Wait for me!

Whoo!

Whoo!

- This isn't familiar to me.

- I could have sworn it was here.

- Yeah, me, too.

- Well, it isn't.

- Oh, God, I'm high.

- Where's The Machine?

Maybe he's down at the lake.

- What are we going to do?

- Find the Machine.

He's at the lake!

Find The Machine, find the lake.

The Machine!

The Machine! The Machine!

The Machine!

Sh*t. What do we do?

- Okay, we just need to go back.

- Okay.

Wait!

- Which way is back?

- It's this way.

- It's this way.

- It's this way.

- Come on, which way is back?

- Okay, it's this way.

- I don't think it's that way!

- Which way?

- Some other way like this way!

- I came from this way!

You came from that way.

I was behind you.

- Davin, you were behind me!

- So which way did you come in?

I don't know. Possibly that way.

No, that way.

Look, come on. Okay, we're

going to go this way.

- You're winging it, Kevin!

- Shut up, Fionan!

Oh, my God.

- No, it's this way.

- It's this way!

Oh, God.

- What the f*** was that?

- Um...

Guys, we're lost. Look at the moon.

Does the moon move?

Is it a reliable instrument?

Yes.

- The moon is not reliable.

- I don't know.

- Then why did you say yes?

- Because I don't know.

We were just here.

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