The Stag Page #7

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This is where we were!

No, we weren't. We were just

somewhere that looks like this.

Maybe we should just shelter

here until daylight.

- We are naked.

- I am aware of that!

I'm f***ing freezing.

I think we should keep

moving and stay warm.

Let's do the Emperor Penguin.

- Yes.

- Go in front of me!

- Go in front of me!

- Right, okay.

Close up, go!

- Keep alternating!

- Okay, okay.

Enough. Oh, I got like

eight minutes sleep.

I simply cannot be dealing

with this madness any longer.

Oh, God, where did you get to?

- Well, good morning, Fionan.

- Did you kill an animal?

I did not, but I may have

borrowed some of its clothes.

You're a f***ing lunatic.

I've just decided that your

Indian name is Sulks Like A Baby.

- How long have you been up there?

- Since daybreak.

Gentlemen, we are in it now!

The bothy is nowhere to be seen.

- Why are you happy?

- Just playing it as it lays hombre.

What does that even mean? Look!

Look at what you've done to us!

We could have died of

pneumonia last night!

But you didn't. I see you improvised

a shelter, which is good.

Because you got us lost!

We all got lost, Sulks Like A Baby.

- Fionan, it's fine.

- No, it's not fine.

I have to deal with this nut job

for the rest of my f***ing life.

Hey, hey, calm down.

Just leave him alone.

- I beg your pardon!

- Just... leave him alone.

Let me get this straight,

you're mates now?

I think we need to accept

we are where we are

and we've all contributed

a little bit to that.

So let's ease up on the

theatrics and move on.

Jesus, Davin. You're a joke!

You're a total f***ing p*ssy!

He never wanted you here, right?

He screened your calls.

I'm sorry, it's true!

I'm sorry. That is true, but

it was per your insistence

and it was your decision,

so can we leave that now?

No! We can't leave it now, because

the other problem we have here is

- you're f***ing full of bullshit!

- What are you talking about?

I think you're overtired.

You need to sit down.

- Breathe, try not to speak.

- Typical!

- Whatever.

- You're so f***ing superior!

You have to retain the upper hand

no matter what! It's so relentless!

You act like you

understand something

nobody else can

possibly understand!

Always a little ahead of us all!

Jesus, the size of your ego!

I mean, he's never

even been in love!

- Fionan!

- At ease, Tiny Kevin.

You don't know what you're

talking about, Fionan.

Six months, Davin, your

longest ever relationship.

You had so many chances!

- Six f***ing months!

- That is none of your business!

What kind of man never

lets himself fall in love?

Even that Neanderthal man is in love

whereas you always beat a retreat.

You let yourself

experience nothing.

You haven't the faintest

idea what it feels like

because you've never had

the balls to be in love!

- You're such a f***ing idiot.

- I beg your pardon.

- You're wrong. I was in love.

- Oh, which one, Una? Clare?

- F***ing little Brenda?

- No, no.

The one... about

Christmas six years ago.

- Six years ago?

- Yeah.

Christmas?

Ruth?

You're so f***ing stupid sometimes.

Are you telling me

Ruth broke your heart?

No, actually, she f***ing

smashed it to smithereens.

I was a mess.

I was a pitiful mess.

My heart...

My heart was...

And you just cruise in there and

sweep her away, simple as that.

- I didn't know.

- Of course you didn't f***ing know!

- You told me you broke up with her.

- Yeah, well, there you have it!

Right. Did you know?

Yeah.

And you actually hid it from me?

- Why didn't you tell me?

- The damage was done.

What the f*** does that mean?

Why didn't you tell me?

- Because you started seeing her.

- That was a year later!

Maybe I didn't feel I could

tell you any of that sh*t.

Jesus! Are we actually

friends at all?

What the f*** is going on?

I mean... Wait, okay.

Okay, oh, Jesus, Davin.

Are you still in love with her?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh.

- Ow!

- Oh.

Aow! F***!

This is my f***ing stag!

This is my f***ing stag and you tell

me that you're in love with Ruth!

The love of my life!

And now! Now! After

all these years!

You decide that this... this

is the best time to tell me!

- You!

- Get off me, you f***...

- Ah! No! Ah!

- Ah!

- Ow! Ow!

- Stop,

Just stop it! Just

stop now! Oh! Oh!

Christ! One of my lenses has rolled

back into the back of my eye!

Good! Kevin, will

you be my best man?

Yeah, will you, Kevin? Because

there's no f***ing way I'm doing it!

- Guys, you're being ridiculous!

- You are being ridiculous.

The Machine, what do we do now?

It's pretty clear what

Fionan and Davin need to do.

- Never see each other again!

- Davin, grow a set of balls!

Ask your friend to forgive

you for being such an idiot!

And then we can go, because

it's getting really cold.

- Apologise now! Say sorry!

- No!

- Fionan!

- No.

- Apologise for what?

- Jesus Christ, Davin.

- F*** off!

- Shake hands! Shake hands!

Gentlemen, we're on the move.

Follow me.

Right, well, we can't all go.

I'm naked. Simon has ivy.

I have one tiny piece of ivy over

my balls. Worse than being naked.

- I am simply not going.

- Right, you lads, stay here.

What is he doing?

Eggs, genius.

He's having breakfast.

Mm.

Easy, now.

Easy boy.

Easy, easy, okay, okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay.

Apparently, if you forcibly

insert your finger

into the dog's anus,

it will stop attacking.

- God.

- He's dead.

- Come on!

- What... are you doing?

- Oh, my God.

- Why is he doing that?

Easy, easy.

Easy, easy.

I just know that I'm not going

to be any good at this.

Easy! Throw me a weapon!

- What the...

- I'm sorry!

Haughey!

Nudey, crusty hippy bastards!

I'll shoot the sh*t out of ye!

Ah!

I don't want to die!

I tell you one thing boys...

I am looking forward

to this wedding.

Oh, good, I think

he's letting us on.

Clear up the bus.

Hi.

Stay off my land!

Absolutely.

Good bye.

Yes!

Can you open this up, Simon?

I don't have the keys.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Jesus, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

F*** it.

You know what,

it's a car. It's a car.

It's just a f***ing car.

It's just a f***ing car. A car.

Simon...

It's just a f***ing car.

Simon...

It's just a car.

Got there!

Ah!

Oh, f***.

Oh, Jesus, no! Uli is

going to destroy me!

- How do you turn the alarm off?

- I don't know!

You're f***ing kidding me.

You're out here destroying your

Jeep with the f***ing boulder

and I'm inside pinching a loaf!

Why didn't you wait till I came out?

- Wait How did you do that?

- Oh, yeah. Here you go, chief.

I found them the morning after.

You're mad.

Seriously, The Machine,

you really are quite mad.

Yeah.

See you boys at the wedding.

Seven new messages.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah, it was... It was interesting.

Listen I just need

to say something.

Erm, the two Kevins are

coming to the wedding

and I'd really like

you to come, too.

Yeah, I know that. Well,

of course you're still invited.

Well, that's up to you, Dad, but

that's what's going to happen, okay?

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