The Standoff Page #8

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Right?

She didn't see anything,

because nothing happened.

Yes.

I saw it.

But it didn't happen.

He never lifted

his hand off the car.

What?

- She's lying!

- She's not lying. Amy wouldn't lie.

Oh, yeah, maybe

you're both lying.

Yeah, maybe you're in this

together, against me.

Big Jim,

you should listen to me.

Everybody knows

I'm the good guy here.

- Good guy?

- Farrell:
Ho, ho!

Yeah. You're no

good guy, dude.

Klyde, what happened to you?

I just climbed out of a sewer,

that's what happened to me.

I was stuck in the

toilet, and it was dark,

and it was scary, and...

Unspeakable things

happened in there.

Yeah.

I escaped by crawling

through a pipe

under the toilet,

the same toilet I've had to...

- Drink out of

for the last three weeks

to survive, so.

We saw you yesterday.

Klyde, can you just tell us

what's going on?

He locked me in the bathroom.

- Me?

- You, yeah.

That's ridiculous.

You were the only one

that knew where

I was going, okay?

- I know what you did!

- Oh, you know nothing.

Oh, I know plenty, Chris.

I've had nothing

but time to think.

I've contemplated everything

from "why does

the universe exist?"

To "what do

vegetarian zombies eat?"

Whoa.

Look, the point is,

I thought about you,

and all the bad things

you've done.

What?

Oh, god.

- Don't get any closer.

- Or you'll what?

Change the time on my phone

like you did with Lala's?

Wait, you did that?

He also stole

Sophie's makeup bag.

And took Jerome's headphones

to make it seem

like the cat was talking to him.

Hold on, wait. You weren't

even here for that, though.

You hear things when you are alone

in the bathroom, all right?

It's quiet.

Wait, so you poisoned

my brownie?

No, no.

That was me.

Wait, but you had Jack Guthrie

come here

- and try and lure me away?

- That was me.

- Oh.

- But we're not talking about that right now.

We're talking about you!

- I always knew you were a fraud.

- Mm-hmm.

You said that you worked

at a donut shop

every day before school.

How is that possible?

There is not an ounce

of fat on your body.

Everyone knows

you can't be around donuts

without eating all of them.

Second, you told me you worked

at a rock quarry

every day after school.

Go ahead and feel

his hands, Klyde.

I think they feel like

a newborn baby's buttocks!

You haven't seen

a day of manual labor

in your life.

We're going in now.

You said that your father

was fighting in Canada.

Well, I googled it.

There's no war

in Canada right now.

Not a single one.

Your dad isn't serving

our country.

He's serving drinks

at a nightclub in Toronto!

I am so on to you

right now, Chris.

Global warming.

Was that you?

Huh?

Bieber fever, did you do that?

What do you do

in your spare time,

hunt manatees?

And finally, you said

that you just love

working with old people.

But I know that the only

reason you have that job

is so that you can nurse

your addiction

to prune juice!

- That's a lie!

- It's the truth!

No...

It's true.

That one was a total guess.

I need that.

Klyde, give me that!

- I need that!

You almost got me!

You almost got me.

I'm just gonna put my hand back

on the... you know.

We're all...

We're all good.

Well, son, unless you have some

mystical third hand

that none of us here

know about...

You're out.

Big Jim...

They tricked me.

And I think they should be

the ones that...

That get out

of this competition,

not... not me.

You'll pay for this, Farrell!

You will pay in retail!

And you!

I thought we had

something special.

Oh, I'll be back!

Klyde!

It's in my contract!

I'm back for the sequel!

Well, then.

Unless my math fails me,

I believe we are down to two.

Ew.

Klyde, I am so sorry.

It's not fair

you're out of the contest.

You should at least have

another chance to win the car.

Hey, no worries, you know?

It's not about the destination,

it's about the journey,

you know?

And I got to body surf on a

hundred yards of raw sewage.

Anything after that

will be a letdown.

So, goggles.

Thank you.

Helmet.

Thank you.

Motorcycle.

Dude, you...

What'd you...

Did you sell my motorcycle?

Jim.

Did you sell my motorcycle?

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

- What?

- I don't know!

- Me neither!

- I can't...

I didn't know

you could make pies like that.

Well, I'm a pretty good cook.

What do you want?

Look...

- I know I might be a creep...

- Hmm.

But I'm not the type of creep

who would say weird things

about their mom.

Like, that's just not me.

And I want to express to you

in no uncertain terms

that I do not think my mom

is hot in any way.

Like, at all.

But I do think you're hot.

I think you're so hot.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I mean, you're foxy.

I mean, you're hotter

than any mom could ever be.

Yeah.

- I mean, not like...

- Whoa.

I mean, if you decided

to become a mom

- that you wouldn't be hot.

- You know what, it's okay, it's okay.

- You would be.

- It's all right.

Hey, can we just

not talk about moms?

- Right.

- Yeah.

- No moms.

- No moms.

So, are we good?

- Yeah, we're good.

- Okay.

Is that your underwear?

Yes.

But I promise

that they're clean... Ish.

Hey.

Thank you.

For what?

For defending me with Chris.

Being a jerk to you is my thing.

Come on, I can't have him

encroaching on my territory.

Um...

Can I tell you a secret?

- You would trust me with a secret?

- Oh, no.

Heh, okay.

You're just the only one

here, so I...

Um...

The real reason I need

this car is because, um...

My family can't afford

to get me one.

Aren't you, like, super rich?

Actually, my dad got fired.

My dad's looking for a new job,

and my mom is looking

for my new dad.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

As far as secrets go,

that's kind of

a lame one, though.

I'm just saying, it's not...

Everyone goes through

that kind of thing.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sophie was right.

I always compete with you

because I want you to notice me.

I really like being around you.

That's definitely something

you shouldn't keep a secret.

Farrell.

- Farrell.

- - What?

Farrell, stay awake.

Ugh, I'm so tired.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I can't believe I used

to take sleep for granted.

I mean, all those mornings

I woke up early

just to vandalize your locker

before you got to school.

I could've been at home in bed.

I just can't believe

how much time I spent

up late at night hacking

into the school's

computer system...

To change your grades

from as to cs

or slash your service hours

or give you detention

or take points off your sats.

I'd trade it all in

- for like, four minutes of sleep right now.

- Yeah.

Wait, that was you?

It's always been me.

It's always been you.

Ahem!

Hi there.

I am truly sorry to say this,

but you are both out

of the competition.

- What?

- Wait, no, no.

Both of us?

That's not fair.

After 50 hours

and eight minutes,

- we have no winner.

- No.

No, no, no.

That's not right.

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