The Stepford Wives Page #4

I must get you a drink.

Good shot.

- All right, who's first here?

- And a medium well.

- Don't use the tongs.

- No, that's right. Use that, will you?

- This is the Wimpiris way.

- What is that? Is that medium?

That's a medium. This is a rare.

Rare.

I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.

Want another well...?

You want a well-done?

Well, I told you to move them over.

Move them over toward the centre.

I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.

I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.

- Walter?

- Yes?

- Take over, will you?

- OK.

How many of these have you had?

Don't you know

you can't handle this stuff?

Don't you remember

what this stuff does to you?

I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.

Why the hell do you do this

in public?

Come on.

We'll just go and get a little coffee.

Well, it was this problem I had,

you see. I...

I couldn't handle it.

It was out of control.

I guess that's one of the reasons

Ted moved us to Stepford. The...

The drinking was getting so bad,

and he blamed the city

and all its pressures.

And, oh, I knew I shouldn't have

touched the stuff.

But I did, and I'm sorry I ruined it all.

- You don't have to apologize, Carol.

- Not to us.

We just felt that it was important

that you two understand,

you being the newest in Stepford.

We didn't want you

getting the wrong opinion.

"We"? Who is "we"?

Oh, well, Ted, naturally.

And lke was there, and...

Oh, he's so old and smart that, after I'd

sobered up some, we asked him and...

You mean the men made you come

and apologize like this?

Oh, no.

No, I wanted to, really.

All they did was

sort of confirm my feelings.

- Well, why don't you come in.

- Oh, no.

No, I've got to get back. I...

I've seen Charmaine and...

Well, I...

I ought to get back.

Incredible.

Absolutely unbelievable.

If I was forced to apologize

every time I got smashed,

I'd spend my whole life

wandering around saying,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

That is a lady

that could use some help.

I told you I...

...messed a little bit

with women's lib in New York.

Didn't we all?

I'm not contemplating

any Maidenform bonfires,

but they could certainly use

something around here.

- Oh, yeah.

- You game?

I'm game.

Boy, am I game!

Wow!

Gee, it sounds like fun.

But I've got three kids,

and the oldest is 6.

And that doesn't leave me

with a whole lot of extra time.

We really understand, Marie.

And we're not after you

to change your whole lifestyle,

but doesn't it ever bother you

that the most important organisation

in Stepford is sexually archaic?

- Archaic?

- Old-fashioned. Out-of-date.

Does it ever bother me?

No.

I've never been

much of a joiner, I'm afraid.

I guess it's because I've just been

so busy, what with baking and all that.

This isn't any kind of a lifelong

commitment we're after.

We just want to see

if there's any interest

for some kind of activities in Stepford.

That's all.

Well, there isn't any interest here,

Joanna.

I know I shouldn't say this,

but I just love my brownies.

I'm sorry. I just can't waste my

spare moments on something like that.

But you do go out sometimes,

don't you?

Go out?

Of course I go out.

I'm out now, aren't I?

Which one do you like?

Oh, I don't think either one.

- This is who?

- Cornell.

Husband owns the pharmacy.

She works there sometimes.

What I'd give for her chest.

There's this thing they've invented.

It's called knocking.

Doesn't interest me.

I'm a natural-born barger.

God, I just love that.

- Hey.

- Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, yes.

Nobody's ever touched me

the way you touch me.

Oh, there.

Oh, you're the best, Frank.

Oh, God, are you the best.

Oh, there.

- Wait.

- Oh, God.

- God, are you the best.

- Let's go.

You're the king, Frank.

Oh, you're the champion, Frank.

Oh, you're the master!

- Is this the right place?

- Must be.

- Last house on Snowflake Lane.

- You're sure, now?

- We don't want to strike out again.

- "Oh, God, Frank, I'm sure. I'm sure."

Wasn't that awful? All your fault too.

I know, but this time,

I got us an invitation.

Listen, her name's

Charmaine Wimpiris.

And we were buying our kids shoes.

And I got to talking, and she said,

"Come on over.

It sounds interesting."

The way we've been bombing out,

I consider that a triumph.

- She said her court's in the back.

- OK.

Game.

- Five-one. Let's change.

- OK.

God, this is fun.

No!

- Oh, that was great.

- Oh, I haven't played

- in such a long time.

- Oh, you're good. You're really good.

I can tell that.

You're just out of practice.

Really. Hey, didn't you think

she was terrific?

I thought you were terrific.

Oh, well, listen. Play at my place

any time you want. I really mean that.

Now, Jenny Fisher used to play.

She finked out on me.

The only competition I've got left

are two teenage boys

with permanent erections.

- Send them to my place.

- Are you kidding?

I'd be lost without them.

Why don't you get her that...

- Give you some lessons.

- I'll give you a lesson.

- Thank you. No.

- Come on, I need the workout.

Thank you, Nettie.

Isn't Nettie marvellous?

A German Virgo.

Their thing is, you know, to serve.

Oh, that's why we won the war.

Well, girls, I didn't get you here

on false pretences, really. I...

I'm interested. I'm no fanatic,

but I'm really interested.

Actually, we moved here

about two months ago,

and Ed joins

this Men's Association.

Believe me,

I know that it's unfair and sexist,

but, frankly, anything that gets him

out of the house nights is fine with me.

If we could get a consciousness-raising

group going, you'd come?

- What?

- A consciousness-raising session.

- A bitching session, you mean.

- Sure.

Like a shot, I'd come.

You wouldn't believe

what Ed tries putting me through.

He has a rubber suit

made for me in England.

- Well!

- How about that, sports fans?

What is a rubber suit?

I'm an accent freak.

I'm not sure why.

Probably on account of...

I don't know if you've noticed

or not, but I stammer.

- When you were young, you mean?

- No, no.

I still do.

Just I work extra hard to control it.

Now, here.

I want you to write down

every place you've ever lived,

from when you were born until now.

And this is just standard vocabulary.

See, just straight through the alphabet.

"A. Aback. Abandon." Like that.

And this here's easy to operate.

Just push the switch and talk into it.

I think I can manage that,

- but what's this for?

- Just a lifelong hobby.

- Don't touch.

- See, once I get enough samples,

I aim to feed them all

into a computer and program it.

What I'll get back is an instant

geographical rundown on a person.

I really think it'll be more important

than fingerprints in police work.

That's very interesting, Claude,

but it's too much work.

We Stepford wives are busy, busy,

busy. You know, like your wife.

- Is he going to take your fingerprints?

- No, sweetie.

Just like your wife.

Bobby and I tried to involve her

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