The Stepford Wives Page #6

after a heated swimming pool.

And now he's going to get it.

Look, I've been doing

a little research, OK?

And a lot of thinking.

And I know what I'm gonna say

is gonna sound crazy,

but if you laugh at it,

I swear to God I'm gonna be sick.

OK, you remember hearing about

the Texas tranquilliser?

It was in TIME. I cut it out.

Wait a second. Sit down.

Issue dated October 4th, 1971.

'71, right.

It's about why there are

almost no murders in El Paso.

See, this scientist has this theory

that there's something that

comes from the water in El Paso.

It comes from deep wells,

and it's got some chemical tranquilliser

in it and... Well, read.

See?

Dallas is over two times as big

as El Paso,

but that year, there were 242 murders

in Dallas.

And there were only 13 in El Paso.

Joanna. Joanna, I think

that's what's going on in Stepford.

I think there's something in the water

that turns us into hausfraus, drones,

whatever you want to call it.

Charmaine's changed,

Carol Van Sant's changed,

and so have all those other

women's club members.

Well, I...

I suppose it's possible.

It can't all be coincidence.

Look at all those places.

Electronics, computers,

aerospace junk.

And labs. Who knows what?

They must all be dumping

their chemical garbage

in the Stepford River,

and it could be making

its way to us.

Listen, the 6:
00 news

scares me every night.

I don't see what's so far-out

about my theory.

All right. Why don't we write

the state environmental agency

and have them check

the water in the reservoir.

Governmental agencies.

I've worked for them, Joanna.

And I mean, if they're way above

average or any good at all,

they'll manage to lose a letter

if you send it to them.

They teach courses in misfiling

at those places.

You know what I think

we ought to do?

I think we ought to take a sample

of the water ourselves

and then get it

to a trustworthy chemist.

Trouble is,

I don't know anybody except...

...you know, guys at that

stinking Men's Association.

I lost my virginity

to a trustworthy chemist.

No kidding.

Did he do it on Blue Cross?

- His name was Raymond Chandler.

- Oh, gosh.

And we had a gag, a sort of stupid,

private thing going.

I used to ask him

why he didn't talk like he wrote.

He wasn't a bit hard-boiled,

and he hated any sort of violence.

But I kept it going.

Some nights I wouldn't let

him touch me

until he told me the plot

of his next novel.

Which was, of course,

The Big Sleep.

Sometimes it nearly drove him crazy.

Isn't it funny the things you do

when you're in love?

We were both seniors at NYU,

and it wasn't just passion. It was love.

Why didn't you marry him?

I don't know.

Maybe we took the joke too far.

Maybe the fun went out of it.

I thought Walter was going

to become Perry Mason.

So it was Farewell, My Lovely.

Did you ever see that?

Anyway, I think if I look

in the phone book

and this guy is still in New York,

then he's our man.

- Are you out of your mind?

- No.

I can't just call him up and say,

"Hi, I used to be Joanna Ingles.

"You deflowered me 12 years ago.

Would you check my water?"

Final gas-chromatograph readings

will be coming in in a minute or two.

- Thank you so much for this.

- Oh, don't be silly.

- Long time.

- Twelve years.

You married a dentist,

wasn't that it?

Lawyer.

You happy?

- Yes, very.

- Good, good.

- Are you married?

- Going on nine years.

And, yes, very.

Here's the report you ordered,

Mr Chandler.

Thank you, Elizabeth.

Well, I can say right off the bat that...

...you've got water in your water.

Now, what can I tell you girls?

I mean, I wouldn't want to drink

too much of it,

- but it's water.

- Can't you be more specific?

Yes, but in order to do that,

I'd specifically have to know

what it is I'm trying to find.

I mean, there's nothing here.

Look at that.

Well, can you go any further

in confirming my suspicions?

I'm sorry, about what?

The women in Stepford

love housework,

and I thought there might be

something in the water.

- Where did you find her?

- It's not funny.

No, it isn't.

All right. You're right.

Look, that was rude of me.

- Mrs...

- Markowe.

Markowe.

I can tell you categorically that there's

no such thing as a cleaner-compeller.

If there was, I would patent it myself,

make a million bucks,

win the Nobel Prize and retire.

I guess we're going.

I'll see you outside.

- I'm sorry. Tell her that.

- Yes.

Hey,

we blew it, didn't we?

I don't know, Raymond.

It's hard to be smart.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

I don't care what anybody says.

I'm not going to end up like

one of those pan-scrubbers.

I'm getting the hell out of Stepford.

I'll ask Dave tonight,

and we'll move.

Hey, hey, hey, you too.

You can't break up a team like us.

We're the best thing to happen

since Laurel and Hardy.

Will you think about it?

"Zoom.

"Zoot suit.

"Zulu."

And that's that.

I'm finally finished.

When was that?

Walter, would you move?

No, no.

- What? What did I say?

- I meant move, leave Stepford.

We just got to Stepford.

Hey, are you that unhappy?

Is it everything you expected?

Well...

No. No, it's not, but...

...I just didn't want to be

the first one to admit it.

You know, I'm the one that wanted

to come here in the first place.

You think the men are dull.

Well, I think the women are too.

You're right. I agree with you.

That's why I want to move.

Yeah, but the area sure is nice,

though, you know.

It's perfect for the kids.

Maybe Norwood or Eastbridge.

OK, let's move.

You mean it?

That's all there is to it?

I just had to ask?

Shouldn't we fight or something?

Well, I don't want

to move tonight, Joanna.

What is it, June already? And I got

all this work piled up here. Jesus, I...

OK, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you look around,

and we'll figure on moving in August.

That way, the kids can get settled in

before school starts.

Hey, these papers are all

in sequence, you know.

I mean, you're crushing

Mr Ziegler's will.

I'll make you a beneficiary.

I guess Mr Ziegler

can wait a little while.

- You mean it? We can move?

- Yeah.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Walter, you're really sweet.

Girls, I think after four houses,

I'm getting to know your taste.

This may be it.

He's an ITT VP transferred to

Panama, probably to start a revolution.

There will be at least eight lonely ladies

in Eastbridge Centre for a while.

I don't know how he got away

with it so close to home.

- Oh, my.

- I'll go in first. You stay here.

They gave me the key, but you

never know what you'll walk into.

Thanks. Oh, Mrs Kirgassa,

I love you.

Oh, she's fat and lovely.

She's got a big mouth, and I love her.

What a treat. When I told Dave

we were house hunting,

he nearly jumped out of his skin.

He threatened to cancel The Plaza.

- What is The Plaza?

- Oh, I forgot.

I'm supposed to ask you

if you will take our kids and the dog

so Dave and I can have a weekend,

our annual weekend, at The Plaza.

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