The Stooge Page #8

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to the fellows last year

and how they felt...

- Now, you're the jury at my trial

- Your Honor, this man had a murder...

l know that l should serve

My sentence

lt's gonna be all right, Rockie.

You gotta have faith in your attorney

l spoke to Fred Sunday and he said

if he can get you out...

Still l'm hoping all the while

You'll give me

What, what?

- Just one more word

- Word.

W-O-R-D.

Spelled backwards, ''Drow''.

Spelled backwards, ''Drow''.

l said that l was glad

To start out

- What made you come back?

- Well, Mother said if l came back,

she'd give me the car, so l...

But now l'm back

To cry my heart out

l know how you feel. Don't cry,

because it's those feelings

of a man who certainly...

Oh, just one more chance

l hear you talking, babe

Say just one more chance

l'm sorry.

l'm sorry.

Excuse me.

- How are they?

- How are they, how are they?

Wait till you see

what they said about me.

Look at this.

''New Revue Smash Hit.''

Here. ''One of the highlights

of the evening was the box act

''of Bill Miller and Ted Rogers.

''lt's a long time since Broadway

has seen a fellow

''as funny as the man in the box.

''And, incidentally,

though he wasn't billed anywhere

''in the theater last night,

his name is Ted Rogers.

''Make a note, everybody:

Ted Rogers.''

Well, how about a drink, everybody?

That's a good idea.

Go ahead, Bill, you make the toast.

l'd like to propose a toast

to a wonderful guy:

Mr. Sutherland.

Well, anyone like to dance

with an agent?

Yes, l'd love to.

Hello, Mary. Sit down.

What's on your mind?

Leo, do you think Bill

has any intention

of putting Ted's name up

and recognizing him as a partner?

l don't either.

Never found that sweet, wonderful

guy underneath, after all, huh, Mary?

Maybe there is a nice guy underneath,

but l'm tired of digging.

Yes?

- lt's Bill. He's outside.

- l don't want him to know l'm here.

Just a minute. Come in here.

All right, send him in.

Well, Leo, looks like l hit the jackpot.

You ever read such reviews?

Tell you what l want, Leo:

Full page ads, back page.

Variety, Billboard, all the trade papers

in the country. Shoot the works.

Full-page picture of me...

- What about the kid?

- What about him?

l think you ought to have his picture

and his name on the ads,

- right alongside of yours.

- Well, l don't.

Everybody else does: critics,

all your friends, even your wife.

Look, Leo, no critic's gonna tell me

how to run my business.

Neither are my friends or my wife.

This is my act. Bill Miller, single-O.

The kid's all right.

Nobody likes him better than l do.

There's something you wise guys

don't understand.

Once that kid's name is mentioned,

then he's no more part of the audience.

And when that happens,

he stops being funny.

You're right, and l'd agree with you

1 00 percent

if the kid was an ordinary stooge.

But he's not.

He's half your act.

Sure, and he's gone over that way

because he's still a member

of the audience. Unknown.

Look, Bill, you're a phenomenon.

l've handled hundreds of actors

in my time but you take all the prizes.

You're a ham with a double M.

- What's that?

- lt's our contract.

- Are you serious?

- Yep.

l woke up this morning

and it suddenly occurred to me,

you have to let the other fellow live.

Unless you do,

the whole thing is nothing.

All my life, l've wanted to do one thing

as a matter of principle.

Well, today, l am a man.

That was a mighty pretty speech

you just made.

- What's going on here?

- But yours wasn't.

Your little speech was petty

and kind of cheap.

l'm surprised you didn't cancel him

a long time ago, Leo.

Well, if that's the way he feels,

l don't need him.

You're right, Bill.

You don't need him, either.

And every day it'll be someone else

you don't need.

And one night, you'll be

sitting around all by yourself

in front of a pile

of your own photographs.

Well, from now on, you may consider

our contract at an end.

Mary, you don't mean that.

Well, what's the matter with you?

- Oh, nothing.

- Come on. What is it?

- l don't know if l should say it.

- Go ahead and say it.

What are you gonna do

about Mary, Bill?

- You got any ideas?

- No.

Except l don't think you ought to

let her go away.

- lt's a free country, isn't it?

- Sure, Bill.

But she loves you,

and if there's something wrong,

l think you ought to go to her

and try and straighten it out.

Maybe it's none

of my business, but...

That's right.

lt's none of your business.

- Yeah, maybe it's not.

- So shut up.

You know, l think you had

a lot to do with Mary leaving me.

Oh, don't say that, Bill.

All that stuff about

anything l do is OK with you.

l knock my brains out trying

to make something of myself.

And you, you with

your checkered suit.

What do l get for it?

You're talking crazy, Bill.

You shouldn't be thinking that way.

- l don't like to hear it.

- You don't like it?

Well, that's tough. l don't like it.

l'm sick and tired

of looking at you anyway.

You really mean that?

OK, Bill.

l'll move out of

the apartment tonight.

That makes two of us.

Bye, Bill.

Don't drink too much.

Remember, you've got

a show to do tonight.

You bet l've got a show to do.

l'll show everybody.

Gee, Mary, l wish you weren't

going to Europe.

Thanks, Frecklehead,

but it'll be good for me to get away.

Doctors say

nothing like an ocean voyage...

- Answer it, please.

- Sure.

Hello?

Oh, just a minute, Mr. Sutherland.

lt's Sutherland.

l'll take it.

Hello, Mr. Sutherland.

Mary, l hate to bother you,

but we've quite a problem.

Bill's insisting upon going on,

but there's no Ted.

He and the kid have broken up.

l can't find him anywhere.

And Bill wants to do a single.

Bill's all right. He's just been trying

to prove something

since the day he was born.

Mr. Sutherland,

would you do me one big favor?

Let Bill do his single.

But, Mary, that's too risky.

One act would never make or break

the Sutherland Revue,

but it might make or break

a great guy.

Please, Mr. Sutherland. For me?

For his sake? Let him go on.

So this panhandler walked

over to me and said,

''l haven't had a bite in three days.''

So l bit him.

Which reminds me, l was standing

in front of the Hotel Astor...

That's where l live,

in front of the Hotel Astor...

When my wife came up

to see me.

You know, my wife and l

were gonna get a divorce,

but we couldn't figure out who got

the custody of her mother.

Which reminds me, l took my

mother-in-law to the beach,

but the only thing that got sunburned

was her tongue.

Ladies and gentlemen,

l want to apologize.

This is the Sutherland Revue...

...which is supposed to bring you

the finest entertainment

that can be offered.

You've heard of an act, Bill Miller.

And Bill Miller is me.

But l'm only half an act.

The fellow that made the act work

is a little guy by the name of...

...Ted Rogers.

And he isn't here tonight.

l can play an accordion

and sing a song.

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