The Stooge Page #7

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l want all my money in cash.

l'm nervous.

- What's my name?

- Ted Rogers.

l forgot.

Excuse me, Mr. Sutherland,

but could l use your phone, please?

Certainly.

Thank you. Here.

Thanks.

Hello, operator, would you be good

enough to get me Greenpoint 7-99 70?

Hello, Ma! Hey, Ma, look at me.

l'm in Mr. Sutherland's Revue.

No! No, Ma, l'll keep my clothes on.

And a boy named Bill

- Well, hi.

- Hi. What's all the excitement?

Oh, l... What are you hiding?

What is that?

Oh, it's just a telegram

from C.B. Cochran in London.

He wants me to star

in his new revue,

just in case you think

l'm an old has-been.

Well, you tell Mr. Cochran

to go peddle his papers.

Happy day-after-your-birthday.

Oh, Bill!

This must have cost a fortune!

Well, you know

what everybody says:

''Money isn't everything,

and l'm the guy that keeps proving it.''

You know something?

You've got your arms around a guy

who's gonna star

in Sutherland's Revue.

Really?

Signed, sealed and delivered

this afternoon.

- Ted too?

- Well, sure.

Everywhere l go, Ted goes too.

- l hope so.

- What do you mean, ''l hope so''?

Well, l...

l thought after you opened

at the Palace

it would've been nice if you'd

given him some kind of recognition.

Look, honey, will you leave the kid

to me? l know how to handle him.

He's happy, l'm happy, you're happy.

We're a big hit.

l guarantee l'll always take care

of the kid.

You promise?

You won't ever treat him like a...

- Like a what?

- You know...

Like a nobody. A stooge.

l promise.

A boy named Mary

And a girl named Bill

- Hello.

- Hi.

Hello, Ted.

Listen, l wanted to

ask you something.

Since the both of you are practically

my mother and my father

and l wouldn't do a thing

without consulting you,

and after we open

and we're a big hit...

After we open and we're a big hit,

and after l'm married,

what should l do,

buy a house or rent an apartment?

Well, whom are you going to marry?

Whom am l going to marry?

l am going to marry

Miss Genevieve Tait.

Frecklehead, that's whom.

Well, l suggest you ask

Miss Frecklehead

whether she'd rather live

in a house or an apartment.

Oh, no, l have to disagree

with you there, Mary,

because l feel it is

the husband's place to decide.

She's gonna live there with you.

She is? l mean, she is.

- That's right.

- Yeah.

- Would you do me a favor, Mary?

- lf l can.

The next time you see Frecklehead,

will you ask her to ask me

to ask her to marry her?

Because l'm gonna ask her.

- Well, l'll do my best.

- Gee, thanks, Mary. Bye.

My best too.

Freckle...

- Frecklehead?

- Yes?

- l wanted to ask you...

- Yes?

Well, l thought that maybe

you and me could...

Yes?

- l mean, if the two of us were...

- Yes?

Here.

How about it?

Not until you ask me.

Would you consider marrying

a fellow who sits up in a box?

Well, what are you bawling about?

Try it on.

Go ahead, try it on.

l'd love to marry you...

...but l gotta tell you something first.

Can't you tell me

after we're married?

No, it's very important.

l think you're a big dope

because you're letting Bill Miller

make a fool of you.

- Wait a minute!

- l won't wait a minute!

He's making a fool of you!

Frecklehead, Bill Miller is my friend.

And besides, whatever we do

is no business of yours!

lf l'm gonna marry you,

it's a lot of my business!

Well, wait until

after we're married, then!

OK!

OK!

- Curtain going up.

- First aisle to the right.

- Curtain going up.

- Straight ahead, please.

First aisle to the right.

Well, l'm happy, so happy

When you're near

My troubles just disappear

As soon as you're by my side

Well, l'm satisfied

l feel like a feather in the breeze

Having my fun, kissing the sun

And it's because you're the one

So l'm singing

Like the birdies in the trees

And feeling like a feather

Feeling like a feather

Feeling like a feather in the breeze

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

lf there's any song you'd like to hear,

just call it out and l'd be glad

to do it for you.

- ''Just One More Chance''.

- What?

''Just One More Chance'', and l'd like

to hear you play it on that zither.

''Thither''? This isn't a zither.

- No? Then what ith it?

- What ith it?

- Well, thith ithn't a thither.

- Yeth, what ith it?

Thith ith a... Thith ith...

Now he's got me doing it.

This is an ltalian lavaliere.

This is a burden around my neck.

You know what a burden is,

don't you?

Sure. A bird in the hand

is worth two in the bush.

Ladies and gentlemen,

l'd like to sing a song...

- Thanks for the warning.

- Hear, hear.

l'll have you know that my aunt gave

me $1 0,000 to cultivate my voice.

Really?

- Just one more chance

- Hey. Hey. Hey!

- To...

- Hey!

- What is it?

- You said your aunt gave you $1 0,000

- to cultivate your voice?

- That's right.

What did you do with the money?

You still wanna hear

''Just One More Chance''?

Yeah, and l'd like to hear it today.

- You like my playing?

- Sure, cut the cards.

l mean, do you like the music?

Oh, it's fine. All you need now

is a monkey and a tin cup.

Come around tomorrow,

l have the tin cup.

Look, you keep this up

and l'm gonna have you evicted.

- What's the matter?

- You said a dirty word!

l only said ''evicted''.

You said it again!

- You keep this up and l'm gonna...

- Don't you say that word again!

lt only means ''ejected''.

That's dirtier than the other one!

That does it. Usher!

- Get him out of here...

- You're not gonna let me sing?

Why don't you stop it? lf you have

any talent, come on down here.

OK. lt's easier looking

at the audience than at you.

Get off the stage.

l hope you're satisfied with the way

you embarrassed me

in front of everybody.

Lookit, the whole audience

is staring at me.

Stare back at them.

No, better they stare at you.

Go on, get off the stage,

and take this with you.

- All right, l'll go.

- Get off.

- But you'll be sorry.

- Get off!

- l'll get even with you.

- Get off the stage!

l don't know how or when,

but l will, boy.

Just one more chance

To prove it's you alone l care for

Each night l say a little prayer for

Just one more chance

l'm busy!

l've learned the meaning

Of repentance

Now you're the jury at my trial

l know that l should serve

My sentence

Still l'm hoping all the while

You'll give me

Just one more word

l said that l was glad

To start out

But now l'm back

To cry my heart out

For just one more chance

Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller,

get me down! Help me down!

Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller!

- Just one more chance

- Look what l got for you.

To prove it's you alone l care for

l picked it just for you

out of my garden

Each night l say a little prayer for

Look at all the trouble

l went through to get it

Just one more chance

Just one more night

To taste the kisses that enchant me

- l'd want no others if you'd grant me

- What?

Just one more chance

l've learned the meaning

Of repentance

l'm glad because l spoke

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