The Sword in the Stone Page #5

And he will also find that

the world is merely...

a tiny speck

in the universe.

- Universe?

- Oh, you're only confusing the boy.

Before you're through, he'll be

so mixed up, he'll, he'll be

wearing his shoes on his head.

Man has always learned

from the past. After all,

you can't learn history in reverse.

It's, it's, it's confusing

enough, for heaven sakes.

All right! All right.

Have it your way, Archimedes.

You're in charge.

You're the headmaster now.

So from now on,

he's your pupil.

So, from now on, boy...

you do as I say.

- Yes, sir.

- All right.

Now to start off, I want you

to read these books.

- All of them?

- That, my boy, is

a mountain of knowledge.

- But I, but I can't read.

- What, what? What? Then I don't

suppose you know how to write?

- No, sir.

- What do you know?

- Well, l...

- Well, never mind. Never mind.

We'll start at the bottom.

The ABC's.

First the A,

and now the B.

Loop and around

and there's the C.

Merlin. Look.

I can write.

Oh. Yes, yes.

That's very good, boy. Very...

Henscratch, that's all.

Henscratch. Now, come on.

D, E, F,

and now the G.

You see, it's as simple as...

No, no, no! No, boy!

Now, use your head.

Use your head, will you? How do you

ever expect to learn anything?

Archimedes!

Have you seen that, uh...

flying machine model?

I have nothing to do with your

futuristic fiddle-faddle, you know that.

- What's that thing up there?

- Hmm? Oh, yes, of course.

- Here we are.

- You mean man will fly

in one of those someday?

If man were meant to fly,

he'd have been born with wings.

I am about to prove

otherwise, Archimedes...

if you care to watch.

Here she goes.

No, no, no, no, no...

Man'll fly all right.

Just like a rock.

It would have worked if, if,

if, if it weren't for...

this infernal beard!

I never, never

in my whole...

Man will fly someday,

I tell you.

I have been there.

I have seen it.

Oh, I do hope so.

I've always dreamed about flying...

that I was a bird and

that I could go sailing all over

the sky high above everything.

Prestidigitonium.

It's my favourite dream.

Oh, but then I suppose

everybody dreams about flying.

I'm a bird! I'm a bird!

I'm a bird!

Hold it, boy.

Not so fast. Not so fast.

First, l... I'd better explain

the mechanics of a bird's wing.

Now, these large feathers...

are called the primaries.

- And, uh...

- And, uh, since when...

do you know all about

birds' wings?

I have made an extensive study

of birds in flight. And l...

And if you don't mind,

I happen to be a bird.

All right, Mr Know-It-All,

he's your pupil.

- Ouch!

- Now, boy...

flying is not merely

some crude mechanical process.

It is a delicate art.

Purely aesthetic.

Poetry of motion.

And the best way to learn it

is to do it.

Now, since we're pretty far up,

we'll start with a glide.

Spread your wings way out,

way out. That's it. That's it.

Now, fan your tail.

Tippity-toe, tippity-toe,

and off we go.

Now, tuck your feet under,

like me. That's it. That's the idea!

- Whoa! What? Oh!

- And don't fight the air currents.

Use them.

Well, say, boy!

That's pretty good.

Well, boy,

you're a natural!

Are you sure this is

the first time that you've...

Wart! Wart!

Hawk! Hawk!

Look out, boy!

Heads up! Wart!

Archimedes! Help!

Wart! Wart!

Whoa! What? Oh!

Sounds like someone's sick.

How lovely.

Oh, bat gizzards.

It's nothing but...

a scrawny little sparrow

with a beak full of soot.

Oh, l-I'm not really a sparrow.

I'm a boy.

- A boy?

- Merlin changed me with his magic.

He's the world's

most powerful wizard.

Merlin. Ho-ho!

Merlin, the world's

most powerful bungler.

Why, boy, I've got more magic

in one little finger.

Now, don't tell me you've never

heard of the marvellous Madam Mim?

Well, no, I don't guess so.

Madam Mim? Oh! Good heavens,

good heavens, good heavens!

Why, boy, I'm the greatest.

I'm truly marvellous!

With only a touch

I have the power

Zim zab rim bim

To whither a flower

I find delight

in the gruesome and grim

- Oh, that's terrible.

- Thank you, my boy.

But that's nothing,

nothing for me.

No! 'Cause I'm the magnificent...

marvellous, mad Madam Mim.

You know what?

I can even change size.

I can be huge!

Ooh! Fill the whole house.

I can be teeny

Small as a mouse

Black sorcery

is my dish of tea

Uh, it comes easy to me.

'Cause I'm the magnificent...

marvellous, mad Madam Mim.

Marvellous, boy!

Marvellous, I'm marvellous!

Say, lad, did you know that

I can make myself uglier yet?

Well, that would be some trick.

Er, um, ah, I mean, uh...

Want to bet? Boo!

You see? I win, I win!

Aren't I hideous, boy?

Perfectly revolting?

- Well, uh, yes, ma'am.

- But you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Watch this.

I can be beautiful

lovely and fair

Silvery voice

long purple hair

But it's only skin deep

for zim zaberim zim

I'm an ugly, old creep!

The magnificent, marvellous...

mad, mad, mad,

mad Madam Mim.

Now what do you think, boy?

Who's the greatest?

Well, uh, Merlin's magic

is always, um, well, useful...

uh, for something good.

- And he must see something good in you.

- Oh, I suppose so.

Yes, and in my book,

that's bad!

So, my boy, I'm afraid

I'll have to destroy you.

De-Destroy me?

Yeah, l-I'll give you

a sporting chance.

I'm mad about games,

you know.

Yeah, well, come on,

get going, boy.

You gotta keep on your toes

in this game.

I win, I win!

Oh, the game's over.

Why, you little devil, you!

I'll wring your scrawny little neck!

Mim! Mim! Wha-Wha-What...

Eh, what was you up to?

Uh! Me-Me... Oh, Merlin!

Well, you're just in time.

- We were playing a little game.

- She was gonna destroy me.

And just what are you

gonna do about it?

Want to fight?

Want to have a wizard's duel?

- As you wish, madam.

- Well, come on. Step outside.

After you, madam.

What-What-What-What, what's up, boy?

What's going on?

They're havin' a wizard's duel.

What's that mean?

Oh, it's a battle of wits.

The players change themselves...

to different things and, and attempt to,

uh, to destroy one another.

De-Des-De-Destroy?

Well, just watch, boy, just watch.

You'll get the idea.

Now, first of all, if you

don't mind, I'll make the rules.

Rules indeed!

Why, she only wants rules

so she can break 'em!

I'll take care of you later,

featherbrain.

Now, rule one,

no mineral or vegetable.

Only animal. Rule two,

no make-believe things...

like, uh, oh,

pink dragons and stuff.

Now, rule three,

no disappearing.

- Rule four, no cheating.

- All right, all right.

Now, pace off ten.

One, two, three, four...

- Merlin! She disappeared!

- Huh? Ah... Duh... Bah... Mim!

Now, you made the rules!

Ouch!

- Change to somethin' else, Merlin.

- Ah... Buh... Y-Yes...

yes, yes, yes,

give me time to think.

- Ah, higgety-piggety.

Ah, duh... No, no, no, no, no.

- Quick, Merlin, hurry!

Ah... Duh... Hoppity-hip-hip.

Ha-ha!

Got me tail, now!

Madam, just a minute.

Ah... D-D...

This is not the-the-the-the...

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