The Thrill of It All Page #3

It is an excellent wine.

Perhaps I will take the wine.

Ah, that is better.

Ah, yes, Frulein, you will learn,

as, uh, your people will have to,

that if they want to, uh,

fill their stomachs again,

they will have to swallow a little pride

along with the food.

You... Guards!

You... you pig!

And what are you if I am a pig?

You're on.

Oh, hello, I'm Beverly Boyer,

and I'm a pig.

- A pig?

- Pig?

- Pig!

- What did Mommy say?

She said she was a pig.

Move over, move over.

Get over there.

- May I start again, please?

- Go ahead.

Um, hello, um,

my name is Beverly Boyer

and I'm a housewife.

Quiet.

And what I'd like to tell you is, um,

about how Happy soap saved my life.

'Um, last week I was in such a hassle

with my daughter Maggie.

'Uh, um, she wouldn't let me wash her hair

with our regular shampoo.'

And, um, she said that it, um, um,

it smelled like the cracks

in the school yard.

Shh! Shh!

You know how children can get.

And, um, anyway, that afternoon I purchased

several bars of Happy soap.

Pick up the bar.

The other bar.

- And, um...

- Turn it around.

Um, uh...

Uh, um... And she insisted

that I wash her hair with the new soap.

- Not new.

- Oh! No.

Happy soap is not a new soap,

it's um, it's an old soap.

I just had never used it before.

- You have used it.

- I haven't.

I really have not used this soap before.

And anyway, what I want to tell you is

that I did use it to shampoo her hair.

And she loved it.

And she said to me, "Oh, Mommy,

now I smell like my piano teacher."

She did.

And all I want to say is

that the soap worked just fine.

'And it got rid of all the traces

of the mud balls.'

- Mud balls?

- Yeah! Mud balls!

Cut! Cut!

- Bye.

- Smile!

Keep smiling.

Keep smiling. Take it off her.

She's not gonna say anything else.

That'll be four and a quarter, lady.

- Keep the change.

- Oh, thanks.

Listen, lady, I don't know

what he did to ya,

but like I always say, "To err is human,

and to forgive is humaner."

That a way, lady. Forgive and forget.

If you'll forgive, I'll try to forget.

Was it really that bad, sweetheart?

If anybody asks me to go on television

again, I hope you'll...

I will. I'll beat 'em off with my stethoscope.

Yeah, you heard me. I said I want that girl.

But Dad, we already have a commitment

with Spot Checker.

- 34 more baths at $1,500 a bath.

- Tell her she's washed up.

Dad, I think you're being a little premature.

You do, huh?

Don't you read the papers?

"Last night on Happy Playhouse

the only moment of originality

"was produced by a disarming young lady

who delivered the commercial.

"It's a sad day for television

"when the sponsor's message

has more value than the play."

Get her!

Beverly is my new Happy Girl!

Hi, Daddy! Oh, you're not my daddy.

- A wise child. Is your mother home?

- Who is it, Andrew?

It's not Daddy. It's a man.

Take me to your mother.

Well, who is it?

It's Mike Palmer.

Oh. I'm sorry, Mr Palmer,

but I'm very busy.

Mrs Boyer, would you consider becoming

the television spokeswoman

for Happy soap?

- I don't think that's a bit funny.

- I'm serious.

They want you to sell Happy soap.

That's ridiculous. I was terrible.

I stammered all over the place.

I looked like an idiot.

Yes, I thought so.

But Old Tom was enchanted

with your stammering.

Do you mean

that you're actually offering me a job?

Not me. The old man.

Well, I'm not interested.

I will never go on television again ever.

- I am definitely not interested.

- If you heard the amount, you might be.

You don't know me very well.

May I, please? Thank you.

If you don't mind,

I really have a lot of work to do.

You, uh...

You bottle your own ketchup?

Yes, yes, I do.

Oh, here, allow me.

- There we go. Where do you want it?

- Here, please.

- All right.

- Thank you. Goodbye, Mr Palmer.

I have never seen anybody make ketchup

before. It's a fascinating...

Mr Palmer, I told you before.

I am not going on television.

I have never been so embarrassed

in my life.

I made a fool of myself.

There were about 1,200 people

who didn't think so.

What 1,200 people?

The 1,200 people who called after the show

and said you were the most refreshing,

sincere person who ever sold a bar of soap.

Oh, they were laughing at me in the studio.

For just a few seconds there

you were... you were funny.

But look, when you got down to selling soap,

you sure sold soap.

Nope. There is nothing you can say

that will make me change my mind.

So you can just take your $332

and-and-and please leave.

I'm leaving.

But, uh, with more than $332.

I don't care if it's 500!

It's more than twice that.

A thousand dollars? That's ridiculous.

Not as ridiculous as $1,500... a week.

$1,500 a week?

For 52 weeks.

Fift...

How much is 52 times 1,500?

About 80,000.

Oh!

Mrs Boyer! Mrs Boyer!

Are you all right?

Hey, how's my favourite son?

- Mommy's in the cellar with a man.

- Oh? Anyone we know?

No, Daddy. We don't know him.

Did you say 80 thous... $80,000?

Yes, yes, $80,000.

Here. Let me help you up.

- What ya doin', folks?

- What?

Making ketchup, dear. Um...

You know... you know Mike Palmer.

- Yes, I remember Mr Palmer.

- He was just telling me...

- Allow me.

- Oh. Right.

Very gallant, sir.

Come all the way from the city just to help

a lady out of a basket of tomatoes.

You did tell him no?

No? What do you mean?

- Mommy, you've got tomatoes all over ya.

- Yes, darling, I know.

I assume he offered you a job.

I read the reviews.

Andy, please, don't do that.

- I was wipin' the tomatoes off.

- I'll take care of it. Go out and play, please.

- Can I play with the tomatoes?

- No.

I like to squoosh around.

Will you please stop that

and do as you're told?

- Well, darling?

- Well, um, actually, um...

Mr Palmer did offer me a job. He did.

But I turned him down flat, many times.

- Even asked me to leave.

- I did.

- Go on.

- And, um...

But I just couldn't say no to $80,000!

- 80,000?

- Yes!

- That's ridiculous!

- That's just what I said.

You two would be most comfortable

and happy

discussing my ridiculous offer in private.

I'll call you tomorrow. Bye, now.

- Beverly?

- Huh?

- Beverly, what are you thinking?

- Er, um...

- I'm thinking of taking a shower.

- Beverly!

You'll be leaving the children alone

too often.

And I can't believe they're going

to pay you $80,000

just to come down

to the studio once a week.

Why is Daddy yelling at Mommy?

Because Mommy wants to be a TV star

and Daddy doesn't want her to be.

Oh, that's mean.

It's not as if we need the money.

Our bank balance is healthy.

There's no reason for you to work.

Dr Boyer, you are a fraud.

- Oh!

- How did you arrive at that?

Oh, I've got you now, dear.

Right here, and I quote:

"In some cases, household duties,

important as they are,

"are not sufficient to gratify

a woman's desire for expression.

"Mrs America might do well

to start early in her marriage

"a planned cultivation

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