The To Do List Page #8

- No.

I think she might be in some trouble

and I need to talk to her.

Can I wait here? Is that cool?

You got a dick under that poncho?

Why?

Maybe we should get a condom.

Good idea.

Last thing we need's a baby, right?

Or aids.

- I need to tell you something.

- It's okay.

I know you're a virgin.

I'll be gentle, okay?

No, not that.

I mean, I am a virgin, but...

I wanna be on top.

It'll increase my chance of orgasm

by 4o percent.

Those are some good odds.

- You good?

- Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Did you just...?

- Yeah. Didn't you?

- Have an orgasm?

- Yeah.

No. That was like less than a minute.

Sh*t.

- You've gotta be kidding me.

- Look, I usually last like way longer.

You just really got me,

like, riled up, okay?

Just please take me home now.

Look, if you just wait like two minutes,

like, he'll be ready to go again.

I think I just saw Brandy.

Oh, no. I'm certain that's not Brandy.

Brandy's with Cameron

and he drives a Ford festiva.

- Why are you certain she's with Cameron?

- I gave her the lube and...

You gave her the lube?

You had your talk with her, didn't you?

Of course I did.

If I waited for you to do it...

She would be 40

before she has her first orgasm.

This is really decent of you.

It's cool of you to do this.

- Stop talking to me.

- Okay. Sorry.

You're just doing me a real solid,

that's all.

I might look like a rock star, but I'm

really a pretty traditional type of guy.

You know,

like a missionary type of guy.

Like a good old-fashioned me on top,

you on bottom.

Not like this crazy... you're super

aggressive. I mean, come on.

Look, I'm a pretty sensitive dude, all right?

I'm a meat-and-potatoes type of guy.

You jerk!

- Cameron?

- Jerk face.

Cameron, calm down.

Please calm down.

No, I will not calm down.

Did you make love with him?

Yeah, dude. We did it.

Put the meat right in the taco.

- Get off me.

- Oh, yeah.

I can't believe I was so stupid.

I get it. It's not having sex

that's a big deal, it's this.

All these feelings and emotional crap.

That's why it's better

if you leave feelings and sh*t out of it.

Feelings are everything, Brandy.

Why don't you wait

until you've done it once, virgin?

Then you'll see that sex

isn't such a big deal.

- How do you know I haven't had sex?

- Look at you.

- Look at you!

- Hey, stop it. Stop it.

You're animals. And you are wrong.

- Yeah, you're wrong.

- Feelings matter.

And having sex

with the right person is a big deal.

Cameron, come here.

Look, I owe you an apology.

People talk about sex all the time

like it's no big deal...

But when you haven't done it,

when you're a virgin, it is a big deal.

And I think the list was me

trying not to mess up.

But I did mess up.

I messed up when I hurt you.

And I'm really sorry.

Well, I still can't believe

you chose rusty over me.

- Dude, I'm standing right here.

- Shut up, rusty.

You wanna go, growing pains?

You retarded Zack Morris.

- Rusty, shut up.

- Both of you shut up. Both of you shut up.

Cameron...

You are super nice and cute...

And kind and reliable.

You're the kind of guy a girl

would love to be in a relationship with.

- Will I regret messing that up?

- Probably yes.

No. No. I'm a teenager.

Teenagers don't have regrets.

That's for your 30s.

And, rusty, rusty, rusty.

You are superhot and ripped...

And you play the guitar

and I can't believe I had sex with you.

Am I gonna regret

losing my virginity to you?

Probably. Most girls do.

No. Definitely not.

You are gonna be an awesome story

to tell my friends.

All right.

Speaking of which...

That is where I should be right now.

With my friends. Not here.

Carry on, men.

You're animals.

Oh, ship.

Put a vibrator in her stocking,

for God's sakes?

No, I was saving it for her birthday.

- I'm coming, honey.

- Wait.

Just because you have lube,

doesn't mean you have to use it.

Wait. George. Wait.

I'm really... I'm there.

- Amber.

- Dad!

Dad? Hey. Hey, Mr. klark.

Hey, I'm Willy.

- Judge.

- Judge, that's right.

- Judge klark.

- You're a f***ing judge.

Hey, look, I'm Brandy's boss

at the pool and...

She's a great girl, by the way.

And so is this one.

You've raised two amazing,

amazing daughters.

I want you off my house

and out of my daughter!

- Dad, gross.

- You know what I mean.

- Anything else I can do for you, sir?

- Right now!

- I just did it.

- Amber.

- Mom.

- That's not chip.

No sh*t, mom.

Get the f*** out of my room!

No, leave it. Just leave it.

Finish up, please.

I'm the one who won't live to see

my daughter grow into a woman...

Who won't be able to protect her

from the world.

And I hate it. I hate that she'd rather

be with you, who has energy, who is fun.

You told me to play with her.

I know I did, but I didn't know

it was gonna make me feel like this.

Okay, you know what?

You can't handle this. I'm turning it off.

- No, I can handle it.

- No, you can't. Look at you, you're a mess.

What the hell are you doing?

I don't want her here.

She said she doesn't want you.

Get out.

Okay, Jesus, stop.

What's wrong with you?

You think you can start singing

and we're gonna forgive you?

It doesn't work like that, okay?

Wendy.

- Fiona.

- I don't know the words.

- Yes, you do.

- Yes, you do.

That was super gay. Oh, my God.

Don't tell anyone we did this.

I'm serious.

- I'm really sorry, you guys.

- We know. We know.

Also, I f***ed rusty waters.

- Look at you.

- How was it?

Yeah.

It was quick.

Brandy, please tell me

you were not getting pregnant tonight.

- Don't worry, she was here.

- Don't worry, she used a condom.

Can we please

talk in the hallway, dad?

It's okay.

- Just lie.

- I'm sorry.

You're gonna be okay.

Let me just start by saying...

If you ever need to talk about

birth control or rubbers or...

Did you at least use the lube

that your mother...?

Dad, I don't wanna talk

about that stuff with you.

Thank goodness.

Because neither do I. Ever.

I just...

I need to know that you're okay.

Dad, I'm fine.

Seriously.

- You don't have to worry about me.

- I'm afraid that's not gonna be possible.

Because you're my daughter

and I love you.

Now, please go back to playing

with your loose friends.

Okay, dad.

Never thought I'd see you

on the guard stand.

- Well, hello.

- Hi.

You can't stay away from here.

I heard that you stopped by my house

to save me, so to speak.

I just wanted to come by

and thank you.

Yeah, I tried to do the right thing, but

I ended up f***ing your sister instead.

She's hot. Your dad walked in.

- And my boner did not go away.

- I didn't need to hear that, Willy.

I guess I'll be seeing you a lot now

that you're hanging out with my sister.

No, we're not going out or anything.

It's not like I didn't try,

but she said something like:

"Fish needs a man

like a woman needs a tricycle"?

I don't know.

Something you taught her.

Hey, speaking of teaching,

I never paid you for the swim lessons.

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