The Toy Page #6

kissing your ass isn't boring?

Hey, Jack, I have an idea.

Wanna go fishing?

Wanna...? For fish?

We used to have all the hoi polloi

from town here in the stream.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Swimming, picnicking, leaving

their beer cans all over the place.

So Daddy bought

a bunch of piranhas.

The first week they were here,

a cow went in there. All gone.

Somebody's cow got eaten.

JACK:
I gotta pull my boots up high.

What do you mean?

JACK:

Because the bullshit is

getting thick. Piranhas?

I'm not kidding!

Piranha is South America.

I'm not going in there.

I'm going in there because...

You put a whoopee cushion

under me. Throw stuff over me.

There's nothing here.

Look, no piranhas!

Jack, I'm not kidding you!

There are piranha in there.

No piranha!

Come on. Get out!

Damn you!

Do you see any piranha?

Get out! Get out!

[SCREAMING]

Jack! Get out of there!

Ah!

Come on, Jack. Get...

Come on! You don't believe me?

You see? Get out.

[GRUNTING]

You didn't believe me, right?

[MUTTERING]

I'll never doubt your word again.

They're murderers!

MAN:
Shut up!

What?

MAN:
Hold the noise down.

Who the hell was that?

Mr. Morehouse.

Oh.

[SLURRING]

Eric, uh... I just, uh...

I came down to do a little

fishing this afternoon,

because I had a, uh...

Had a difficult morning.

You had a difficult morning?

I had to let Mr. Geffran,

head of accounting, go.

Why?

He's pushy, Eric.

He insisted on shaking hands

with your father.

So what?

He has very sweaty hands.

Very sweaty hands.

Your father said...

get rid of him.

My father fired a man

because he has sweaty hands?

No, he made me do it.

Good man.

Father and husband.

Mortgage.

Mr. Morehouse,

you gonna be all right?

Yeah. Mm. Shh.

We gotta go.

Good luck, Mr. Morehouse.

[]

You know, we could tell.

We could get even.

Who we gonna tell? God?

What are you gonna say?

"Hey, God! Life's unfair."

You know what he's gonna say?

"Tough titty."

No, in our newspaper.

We're not doing a newspaper,

remember?

Yeah. We could interview Fancy,

Barkley and everybody.

They wouldn't tell us squat about

your dad. They work for him.

You can make them talk.

I?

Didn't you see

All the president's Men?

Reporters make people talk,

if they're any good.

You told me you were good.

I believe you and we're gonna start

a newspaper today. Let's shove off.

Yeah.

I want to be the editor.

I wanna call you "Scoop."

JACK:

Shut up before I let you go.

ERIC:

Don't let go.

Come on. You don't know anything

about running a newspaper.

You got that, Scoop?

Quit calling me "Scoop."

Just because your father

owns a newspaper

doesn't mean you can run one,

does it?

I hate typing.

I hate you calling me "Scoop."

I want to be the editor.

Yeah.

You're doing it by yourself.

Yeah.

You are.

I'm doing it myself!

I'm doing it myself!

JACK:
Keep your head up.

I'm doing it myself!

Head up.

Jack! Jack, I'm gonna fall.

JACK:

I got you. I got you. I got you!

[BOTH LAUGH]

I got you!

One, two, three, that's all!

I was robbed!

This guy in a choke hold.

You're nuts, Jack, but I love you.

[ERIC LAUGHS]

Eric! Come on, Scoop. Get up!

Time to go to work.

Come on, I just...

Come on, Scoop. Hey, wait.

Just a minute, my friend. I'm gonna

take your picture for the paper.

All right. Say "cheese."

ERIC:

Cheese!

Jack, I'm gonna get you for this!

Ha-ha-ha.

You're in for it.

[LAUGHING]

JACK:

Couldn't we get these in a 40-low?

ERIC:

Come on, Jack.

I'll race you for a beer.

The last one in is a rotten egg.

Come on, Jack.

You gotta let me win this.

Come on. Don't do that to me.

JACK:

Let's go up there, man,

and take a rest. My butt's tired.

ERIC:

Don't stop!

Be careful. It's hot.

JACK:
Race you up to top of the hill.

Okay.

JACK:

First one up is a rotten egg.

[LAUGHS]

If my father's rotten,

does it mean I'll be rotten too?

Probably.

What if I don't want to be?

You can't do much about that.

You're hopelessly locked in.

You can't avert it.

If you're hopeless too,

I don't mind.

What's Angela like?

What's Angela like? I thought

we were talking about your father.

What's she like?

She's like America.

I mean, she loves to fight.

A good fight.

She loves to take on

chemical companies. Like that.

Stuff that pollutes the world.

And she loves the underdog.

And she loves to be filled with

righteous indignation.

She's pretty wonderful. Probably

what your father would call a pinko.

Do you mate a lot?

What? Animals mate.

Well, you know, go to bed.

Make it.

It's none of your damn business.

What's it like?

Doesn't anybody talk to you,

like your father?

What do you do with your, uh...

thing?

What do you...? Is this a hypothetical

question or is there a lady involved?

Somebody who goes

to your school?

They only have boys

at my school, dummy.

What's her name?

Megan.

Megan. You like her?

Yeah. She goes to St. Mary's.

We have stupid parties with them

all the time.

Know what to do next time

you have a party?

You go up to her, very gently.

Take her by the hand.

Gently, you know.

You kind of pull her to you

and you jump on her bones.

Oh, come on, Jack!

Are you serious? No kidding around?

No.

Why don't you call her?

Take her out.

Play bingo or something.

Buy her a puppy. Get her some

ice cream. Play tiddlywinks.

You're asking for it again.

Show her how much

money you got.

Tell her you're from

the Bates Millionaire Club.

Why won't anybody tell me?

Hey, I was just kidding, man.

[]

Listen, you gotta be nice to her.

Tell her how you really feel.

Take a chance.

Stop being so tough.

They don't like that.

Women like it when you're sincere.

They respond too.

She'll look in your face,

check out your eyes.

She'd really like you if you'd

show her what you're made of.

Do you know what I mean?

Don't worry about your thing.

Keep it in your pants.

You got plenty of time for that.

Just show her some of your heart,

what you're made of.

You're made of a lot, you know.

Yeah, but the guys at school say

if you don't make it with

a girl a week, you'll go nuts.

Heh, heh. They're nuts.

Don't you know that?

Don't you know that physical love

is the easy part?

The hard part is loving somebody

with your heart.

That's the hard part.

Yeah, but I love her with my heart.

Well, do you ever tell her,

"I love you with all of my heart"?

ERIC:

No. But I'm definitely gonna tell

her that I love her with all my heart.

And then you're gonna

jump on her bones?

You gonna jump on her bones?

Are you gonna jump on her bones?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Thank you.

Eric and I are gonna start

a newspaper tomorrow.

I just love educational toys.

I'll show him

how to do an interview,

and put the interview

into newspaper form.

Use his camera to take

pictures. He has

a photocopier in his room.

It's a shame to waste

all that equipment.

Wonderful. Splendid.

I was wondering if you'd tell us

how you and your wife met.

And we'd sort of do

a practice run on you.

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