The Toy Page #7

Sorry, you'll have to practice

on someone else.

Daddy?

It's just for your son, sir.

It's not like everybody

doesn't know already.

Around here. But the boy...

Are you ashamed of me?

U.S.:

Fancy.

Oh, it's just the sweetest story.

I love it.

It's exactly like Cinderella.

U.S.:

Well...

Off the record?

You give me your word?

Yes, sir. Absolutely. Off the record.

MAID:

Yes, sir.

Go ahead, sugar.

Well, U.S. was on his way home from

Colorado, from visiting numero two.

She's in a loony bin

in Colorado Springs.

What I was doing in Colorado

is irrelevant.

It's where I might be shortly.

I think it's real relevant.

You know, I don't believe

you know how to tell a story.

She was a little-bitty thing.

Scrawny, scared,

wobbling around

on platform sandals.

She was the newest, the youngest,

and the worst waitress in the bar.

It was a little bar outside

of Amarillo, Texas.

Right next to a motel.

I remember she was, uh...

wearing some kind of

rayon-like uniform.

It hardly covered her.

With some kind of

metal things on the front.

Propellers.

Propellers? Is that what they were?

You didn't know that?

The place was called the Fly-By-Nite.

The motif was airplanes.

All this time you didn't know

my metal things were propellers?

You're the one who doesn't

know how to tell a story.

U.S. come through that door,

like the archangel Gabriel.

And he lifted me

out of all that misery.

And he give me new hair.

And then he give me new b*obs.

And a mink coat.

And a pink Continental.

And a charge card at Neiman's.

And I swear, if you don't believe

in prayers and miracles,

all you gotta do is look at me.

I mean, I am living proof.

Fancy?

FANCY:
What?

What did your b*obs

look like before?

[WHISPERING]

Don't touch that table.

Okay. Okay.

Now get the camera ready.

Stand over here.

And don't forget to focus. Okay?

Go sit in Daddy's chair.

I don't want to be in the picture.

Just sit.

What did you turn the light on for?

Never mind.

Hit the button on the left

of the desk drawer.

[BUTTON BUZZES]

I hit the button.

Okay.

I'm waiting.

Eeh!

Jeez, no!

No. No. No.

No.

Spoilsport.

Your father is very strange.

Now take the picture.

Okay, duck.

Good. Now turn out the light.

Let's get out of here.

I can't take you anywhere.

Be careful of the table.

Let's get out.

Jack!

[DOMINOS CLATTERING]

Ooh. Ooh.

[MUTTERING]

Why did you stop?

My dominoes just went down.

He says, "You're responsible for the

lunchroom." You know how he talks.

I said, "Sure, yes. What you think?

You know that."

And he said,

"You let that black man sere."

I said, "Mr. Bates,

Mr. Morehouse hired him.

I didn't hire him."

Two more months, my pension

would've taken care of my kids.

Can I take your picture?

Oh, why, sure. Let me get fixed.

I was employed...

What was I talking about?

When you were in England, sir.

Oh, yes. Can I get past?

I'm so sorry.

Thank you very much.

I was employed by an English lord.

Lord who, sir?

A fellow called Lord Cavendish.

He met this fellow Bates.

Met him in a theater queue

or somewhere.

I don't know. it turned out

they were both gamblers.

So they arranged to play

a game of billiards.

Billiards. play it with a pole,

hit the balls into pockets.

At any rate, ha, ha, my friend,

my lord, my boss,

had a bit of luck

and he won a herd of cattle.

Herefords or something.

About 700 of them.

And Bates sent them over

on a 747, first class.

And that was 1978.

Good heavens, time goes quickly.

No, '79, it must have been.

Well, Bates came over again

and he won me.

Maybe Lord Cavendish

should get better at pool.

God bless you. God bless you.

Here's to Cavendish.

May his pool game improve.

ERIC:
What are we gonna call this?

Paste this down there.

Don't move that over here.

Why not?

It doesn't balance out

the three things.

You put it across the top.

Big headline.

That's a good idea.

You know, the morning crew

comes in at 8.

What morning crew?

At The Bugle.

So what?

Well, we need a press.

It's the only press in town, isn't it?

You wanna use your father's press

to print our newspaper?

Yeah, it's gonna irk him.

I'd think.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I got it, I got it.

Okay. Easy.

Were you ever a thief?

Shut up.

Well, were you?

Don't you know it's part

of the black cultural imperative?

Come on. Here, grab this. Take this.

What?

Hold this. Take it out.

I've got the key.

You've got the key?

If you had the key,

why didn't you tell me?

Because you didn't ask.

I didn't... Heh.

[GASPING]

Evening.

Evening. Evening.

Have a nice evening.

We really could put out

a paper every week.

Not just about Daddy,

but about everything else

that's wrong.

Best of all, I wouldn't have to

go back to that school.

Don't worry about military school.

We got our negative.

The next phase is the press.

No, gotta make a plate.

Is there anything you don't know?

Police department, please.

The Toy. Oh, man. All right!

That's it. That's it!

That is great. That's it!

COP 1:

Lights!

Police!

Let's get out of here!

Freeze!

Put your hands up!

Jesus! Jesus!

You can't arrest me.

My name is...

COP 2:

Let's get them downtown

and book them.

JACK:

Don't say nothing!

[JACK AND ERIC SCREAMING]

What is he telling them?

And one of his gang came up

and stuck a gun in my rib.

What a dirty sucker.

JACK:

I got a problem.

They're pointing at me.

What the hell is he telling them?

MAN:
I've got some friends.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute. Is there a problem?

MAN:
Those aren't my friends.

JACK:

Is there a problem?

COP 1:
There's a problem.

COP 2:
Boy, are you in big trouble.

[CHATTERING]

[FIRECRACKERS POPPING]

ERIC:

Take cover!

Can you give me

$10 for the cab?

All I need is 10. Just $10.

[SIREN WAILING]

[]

[HORN BLARING]

Here you go. Read this paper.

Sir? Sir?

Did you read that paper?

Paper! Read right here!

Read all about it!

What's your name?

[JACK AND ERIC CHATTERING]

JACK:

Read The Toy!

Amazing confessions.

Read about how U.S. Bates

found his wife one day...

Holy sh*t!

Get your paper!

Paper. Free paper.

What do you think,

Mr. O'Brien?

Forget you know me.

Jack, I gave out my last one.

Me too.

Let's go fishing.

Oh, man, am I tired.

Thank God this is over.

Mr. Bates, sir.

Morning.

Good morning.

This newspaper was distributed

by your son and Mr. Brown.

I thought you should

take a look at it.

Oof.

Eric is responsible for this?

And Jack Brown, sir.

I want them both here

in my office, now.

PILOT:

Attention, Jack Brown

and Master Bates.

Report immediately to the office.

Sure?

Repeat, immediately.

Yes, you two.

Okay.

Would you have me

stay or go, sir?

Come in.

Take a seat.

Eric, how many

of those papers

did you hand out?

About a thousand.

I want every one of those papers

accounted for.

And then I want them shredded.

Let Carter do it.

I want you back here.

We'll make twice

as many tomorrow

and sell them...

Shh. That's one little trick

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