The Trip to Italy Page #7

fine, fine, fine

J "J"

'Cause I've got one hand

in my pocket

And the other one

is giving a high five

- Yeah.

Keep your hands on the wheel.

- Well, that's what she-

- That's what she's saying.

She's not driving the car,

though, with a passenger in it.

Yeah, but she's like-

- Yeah,

if she were driving the car,

I would say the same to her.

"Alanis, love, both hands

on the wheel, please. "

1' Pm working, yeah 1'

- There is light

at the end of the tunnel.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah,

but then just when you think

everything's good,

all of a sudden...

- Then suddenly...

- Out of nowhere...

- Out of nowhere,

you're in the dark again.

1' Sony, baby 1'

- Right.

Now, then.

Go-go left.

Go left. Go left.

- F***, f***, f***.

I can't go left.

F***, f***, f***?

You're being Hugh Grant.

F***, f***, fuckity f***.

That's no entry.

- Can we have the sat nav on

now, please?

. OKQY-

Where are you?

- Uh, we're-

well, I think we're in-

we're in the outskirts of Rome.

- Right.

Well, we're-we're here.

We've arrived already, so...

She says that you follow

the signs for the center.

We're near

the Piazza del Popolo.

- What signs?

There are no signs.

- If you follow signs

for the center...

Guide us in.

Ask her just to talk us in,

like a stricken pilot

in an airliner.

Have you not got your sat nav?

- Its having trouble

finding the, um, satellite.

And go left.

Go left.

I can't go left.

There's a biker.

I'll kill him.

Right, right.

You got a right, right, right,

right up there, there-

Whoa!

Bloody hell.

This is where we're going,

right?

That's where we want to be.

You need to go round.

Watch him. Watch him.

Watch the Smart car.

Watch the Smart car!

- Oh!

- Bloody hell.

What's wrong with him?

- Right, go round this wall,

and get back inside.

J' Fine

J "J"

'Cause I've got one hand

in my pocket

- Yeah, yeah, this is it.

This is it.

Oh, thank God for that.

F***ing ridiculous.

it's not like-it's not like

it's a new town.

They've had 2,000 years

to sort out the traffic system.

- Are you gonna bring up

the suitcases?

- No.

They can do that.

And they can park the car.

Steve. Steve.

- Hey.

- Hi. Hi.

How you doing?

- Hello.

- You all right?

- Yeah. It was a nightmare.

- Hello.

- How are you?

You all right?

- Oh, God.

- Good to see you.

- Nice to see you too.

- You remember Yolanda?

- Yeah, hi. How are you?

- Hi, Steve. Nice to see you.

- How are you?

Careful. I'm very, very sweaty.

- Yeah.

- Looking good.

- Thank you.

- Nice dress. Lady in Red.

Terrible song.

- Well, you've made it

in the end.

You're here now.

- Yes, all roads lead to Rome.

Absolutely.

- All the ones we were on

went round in circles.

Oh, no, thank you.

Sorry.

I'm-I'm okay.

- You're not gonna have

a glass of wine?

Come on. We're all gonna have

a glass of wine.

- Yeah.

No, I-I can't.

Uh...

- You on the wagon?

I can't,

um, because I'm pregnant.

- Oh, my God.

- Really?

- Congratulations.

- Wow.

Thank you.

- Wow.

No, um...

That's fantastic.

- Thanks.

Well, congratulations.

- Yeah, no, um-

- How far gone?

About 3112 months.

- Wow.

- So, yeah.

Why? Did you just think

I'd gotten fat?

Well, I didn't like to say.

Well, you-you look good.

- No, you're blooming.

I was-

"Blooming" is what you say

when you think

they're packing a few pounds.

No. no, you are.

- I thought

you're either pregnant

or you're depressed.

And you're eating.

Service.

Grazia.

- Prego.

- Grazia.

- Pasta's perfect.

- Very delicate.

- You can tell

that's handmade pasta.

You can tell, can't you?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.

- What's the food been like

so far in Italy,

compared to the food

in the Lakes?

- A lot of pasta.

- A lot of pasta.

Yeah.

You can't do the Atkins diet

on this trip.

That's for sure.

- Well, you are-

you are in Italy.

- I'm gonna channel

my inner Julia Roberts

'm Eat Pray Love

and get in touch

with my love of pasta.

We were gonna go to Naples

'cause Shelley lived there,

Casanova,

but he's put the kibosh

on that, so now-

- I just wanted

a bit of glamour.

In my head, I thought

we'd get a bit of glamour,

a bit of, you know, like, um,

Dolce Vita,

Anita Ekberg and Marcello-

- Ooh, yeah,

in the Trevi Fountain.

Um, what's his name?

Marcello Mastroianni.

Marcello Mastroianni.

- Very cross when I told him

I couldn't deliver Anita Ekberg.

He-he had

one of his fits then.

Driving along in a TR3

with a cigarette hanging out

the corner of his mouth-

'Ciao, belle. '

- Well, the cigarette

might fall out if you said that.

- We were gonna go there,

but he doesn't want to.

So instead, we're going

to the Amalfi Coast.

- Nice.

- Pompeii. Sicily.

- On.

Why Sicily?

Why Sicily?

Yeah.

You're asking me why?

She's asking you

what it's got to do

with Shelley and Byron.

To Sicily?

Let me tell you.

"Nothing" is the answer.

Sicily is the home

oi The Godfather.

Of course.

We think of going to Sicily

because it's where

The Godfather began,

you know, in Corleone.

I want to have a homage.

- Sounds like you're deaf.

- A pilgrimage.

I love you very much.

- He knows very well

I'm not doing a deaf person.

- I normally like

your impressions quite a lot.

That's not his voice.

It's more like that.

- I know that's not his voice

either.

it's a deaf person.

- Well, you show me the voice.

Show me the voice.

- I can't do the voice.

All I know is that

that's the deaf person.

- Come on, you can do

Marlon Brando, can't you?

- Come on, Steve.

You can do it.

- Let's have a Marlon-off.

- Come on.

Let's hear your Marlon.

Let's even things out now

with your Marlon.

- You need to put bread

in your cheeks.

- Careful.

That's crusty bread.

He finds

some of the crustier bread

a little difficult these days.

I cut it up for him.

- Oh, you have to puree it

for him.

- Yeah, I cut it up for him,

yeah, gonna be good.

- Okay.

- Oh, there you go.

Oh, now, there you have it.

It's like going to the dentist.

- You what?

- What?

It's like going to the dentist.

Say again?

- You wondered

where your tent is?

What?

Send reinforcements.

We're going to

send reinforcements.

We're going to advance.

"Send three and four pence.

We're going to a dance"?

Thank you very much.

Go on.

- You do the-do it, Rob,

the background-

The whole time, you know,

I just bite my tongue, you know,

and, hey,

don't call me Godfather.

- What is it you're playing,

Steve?

- Mandolin.

- Mandolin.

Was it a miniature mandolin?

Are they all that size?

Are they all that small?

- They're very small, yeah.

Have you seen a mandolin?

Service.

- Shall we begin?

- Yes, I think we shall.

- Let's let the expectant mother

set us off.

Okay.

- And so she plunges the knife

into the John Dory.

"Ouch," says the fish.

- Oh, don't!

- And we're away!

- Fantastic.

- Mmm.

Mary Shelley, I think,

was the most interesting

of all of them.

I agree.

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